


Take Me Home

by otp_tears



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future Fish, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Bottom Nanase Haruka, Bottom Tachibana Makoto, First Time Blow Jobs, Kisumi is in one chapter, M/M, Minor Hazuki Nagisa/Ryuugazaki Rei, Minor Matsuoka Rin/Yamazaki Sousuke, SOMA inspired AU, Science Fiction, Top Nanase Haruka, Top Tachibana Makoto
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-05-02 19:18:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 51,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5260544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/otp_tears/pseuds/otp_tears
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(The video game Soma presented some pretty heavy questions about what makes a person a person, and inspired this AU. It is not a horror fanfic and it only borrows the concept of copying a person’s consciousness from the game’s plot. There are no apocalypses or robots in this fic.)</p><p>Rei invents a brain scan that has the ability to copy a person’s consciousness—the very thing that makes a person who they are. He scans Haru before an illness takes Haru’s life. Five years after the scan, and two years after Haru’s death, Rei and Nagisa bring Haru back in a bio-engineered flesh and bone body. Haru’s memories begin the day of his brain scan five years earlier, so he must cope with his new life and the events and changed relationships missing from his memory—including a romance with Makoto.</p><p>His friends, Makoto included, must decide if Haru’s copy is still Haru and what it means to be human.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Matters of the Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I go heavy on unrealistic advances in science, but don't think too hard about the "how would that even work" or "that would take way more time" logic. Enjoy the angst. Enjoy the makoharu slow burn. Enjoy the existential crisis soma gave me that inspired this fic.
> 
> Thank you, Nicole, for the beta read~!!
> 
> I also used a time line to fit my story. Not that we have confirmed dates for Free...

**Chapter One**

“It’s a very experimental scan, but it could change how we view human life,” Rei said, nudging his glasses into place with the pad of his finger. “It could also destroy many of the more philosophical views of what it is to be human.”

Sousuke stared at Rei from the other side of the kotatsu, his palm bearing the weight of his tired head. “Philosophical how?”

“Matters of the heart,” Rei answered. “Logically it makes no sense why humans tie emotions to a muscle at all. It’s all in the brain. Everything. A human’s consciousness is their complete identity which includes every emotion possible to experience.”

“So unlocking the key to emotions lie in the brain?”

“Of course!”

Sousuke glanced at Rin beside him. “You should get one of these scans.”

“I don’t need one,” Rin grumbled, pushing an elbow into Sousuke’s side.

“Rin-chan, you _should_ get a scan!” Nagisa leaned across the table and grabbed for Rin, but Rin ducked out of reach. “Then we could play with your consciousness without you knowing!”

“Like hell I’d allow that. Leave my consciousness alone.”

“But Rin-chaaan.”

“No.”

Rei adjusted his glasses and cleared his throat. “Nagisa-kun, we will not _play_ with anyone’s scanned consciousness.”

Nagisa sat back with a bright smile. “Of course we won’t.”

Makoto had stayed silent during the rise of conversation, but now leaned forward slightly to gain Rei’s attention. “Is this a part of your degree program?”

“In a way, yes, it’s a part of my program, but it isn’t the usual curriculum. I’m lucky enough to have had some professors who were impressed by my theories and backed my research. If I succeed, the technology could be implemented on a larger scale.”

“Rei-chan’s too smart to do school the normal way,” Nagisa complained. “I have to do regular courses during the day and then assist him at night.”

“You volunteered to assist.”

“I couldn’t allow someone else to.”

Makoto smiled softly and shifted his gaze to Haru who had fallen silent almost an hour ago. Exhaustion made itself known in his face and posture, but if anyone else had noticed, they hadn’t said anything.

The late hour was uncommon for Haru, but it was a rare occasion when everyone could get together. Rei and Nagisa would finish university in the spring, and Sousuke and Rin lived and worked in another district. When Rin retired from swimming at an early age, he moved in with Sousuke and became a coach. Sousuke had entered the police academy almost immediately following high school. Matching everyone’s schedules was a battle.

“I still don’t know why you would ever want to scan a person’s consciousness,” Sousuke stated into his glass of beer. “What’s the point?”

“To copy the individual,” Rei answered without insult. “A body will fail. The scan will remain.”

“Sounds creepy,” Rin added and stretched his arms out. “What happens after the body is gone? The person lives in your computer?”

“Perhaps.” Rei touched his chin as if considering the question for the first time. “One step at a time. Science doesn’t happen overnight.”

“I think I’m fine with my own mortality,” Rin decided. “Don’t ever scan me into a computer.”

“It’s strictly volunteer basis,” Rei promised.

Haru stood and drew everyone’s attention. “I’m going to bed.”

His announcement was met with silence until Makoto smiled and said, “Good night, Haru. We’ll be quiet.”

Haru nodded and left the group. Rin watched his retreating back until he moved out of view. He then shifted his gaze onto Makoto, catching the lines of worry before he cleared them with a smile. A brittle smile. A sorry excuse of a mask.

But no one else noticed.

“If we scan Sou-chan and Rin-chan and observe them in a computer simulation, could we predict the future?” Nagisa asked.

“You’re not scanning me,” Sousuke said over Rei’s thoughtful hum.

Makoto got to his feet and took his empty glass into the kitchen. A moment later he heard footsteps behind him. He wasn’t too surprised to turn and find red hair. “Do you want another drink, Rin?”

Rin shook his head. “What’s up with Haru?”

“Oh.” Makoto’s mask slipped just enough for Rin to catch. “He’s just tired.” Makoto opened the fridge and ducked his head, hiding his face. “Haru might be discouraged about how long it’s taking to find work as a head chef, but he hasn’t complained about being a line cook. I’m sure it’s exhausting though. He has long hours.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

Makoto closed the fridge and looked at Rin. He knew if he continued the charade of plastic smiles, Rin would notice, so he let him see his fear without barriers. “Haru hasn’t been well.”

“How so?”

“It started with headaches. He then started to have dizzy spells. The other night he fell in the hallway outside. It had never been that bad before.”

Rin rested his hip against the counter. “Has he seen a doctor?”

“No.” Makoto shook his head. “Last week, he didn’t know who I was.”

“What?”

“Haru got home and said hello. Everything was normal. He started to make dinner, but came back out, confused about where he was and who I was. It lasted only a few minutes, but it was enough to convince him to see someone.”

“Wow.” Rin blew out a breath. It sounded bad. But it didn’t mean it had to be bad. “It could anything.”

“Yeah. You’re right.” Makoto smiled, grateful to have Rin’s optimism even though a part of him didn’t believe it.

 

* * *

 

The diagnostic gave Haru nothing more than an estimated expiration date and a countdown hanging over his head. Doctors had no idea how to help him. Each one determined he still had time—some time, but not much.

A few years had felt like forever until there wasn’t any “few years” left.

Each one suggested he use the remaining time to get his affairs in order, but as a single man just starting out, the task was easily accomplished and left Haru with enough time to visualize every moment he’d miss.

Haru told Makoto first and after watching his best friend barely conceal his breaking heart behind a comforting smile and hopeful words, he decided to not tell the others. Not until he couldn’t avoid it. Makoto had agreed to keep the information to himself until Haru was ready.

Six months after he’d been forced to face his own mortality, and after countless of specialty doctors who gave him nothing more than confirmation of the time running out, Rei and Nagisa barreled into his apartment he shared with Makoto.

“Rei-chan was approved for human testing!”

Haru and Makoto shared a confused look. “Testing for what?” Makoto asked.

“The brain scan to copy a human’s consciousness,” Rei explained with a puff of his chest. The project he had spent his entire university career perfecting was finally functional. “To demonstrate it, I had myself scanned. The process was a success.”

“So. There’s another you?” Makoto asked.

“In a computer, yes.”

“Does it”—Makoto hesitated around his next word—“ _know_ it’s there?”

“No. It’s a computer, Makoto-senpai. Computers are not yet sentient. Perhaps in another hundred years I’ll live on as a form of AI that isn’t _artificial_ at all, but for now the copy of myself is stored on a computer for later use.”

Makoto nodded and smiled. He didn’t quite understand it, but it was Rei’s work so it mattered. “I’m glad it was successful. Does this mean you’ve been funded for more research?”

“Yes.” Rei adjusted his glasses. “I just need to find more volunteers to agree to a brain scan.”

“Rei-chan won’t take mine,” Nagisa whined.

“I fear what your consciousness will do to a computer.”

“I’ll be good.”

“I’m sure you will. But as my assistant, you’re not obligated to volunteer. Since this is for medical research, we need to begin with terminal patients seeking new opinions.”

“Medical research?”

“Yes.” Rei turned his attention back to Makoto. “Medical science is lacking in the ability to correctly diagnose and treat many ailments—especially those dealing with the brain. My technology copies the consciousness, but since it maps the human brain perfectly, we can use the computer to run a diagnostics on the individual and pin point exactly what’s wrong and how to repair it. Half the battle is discovering the ailment.”

“Is that why you were funded?”

“Yes. There simply isn’t a need to store humans in an electric form, but medically, I can help thousands of people. The scans will simply be disposed of instead of stored indefinitely.”

Makoto glanced at Haru and back at Rei. “That’s great, Rei. I’m glad. I can’t believe I know someone as smart as you. You’ll be famous.”

Rei flushed a light pink and covered his face with his hand to move his glasses. “That’s. Well. That can’t possibly be true. It’s a very simple concept and scan. The technology would’ve been implemented eventually.”

“Yes, but it’s here now because of you.”

“Rei-chan’s a genius!” Nagisa tugged on Rei’s arm. “We should celebrate! I’ll call Rin-chan and Sou-chan!” He bounced for the door and disappeared outside before anyone could argue.

“Rei,” Haru said for the first time since the two entered the apartment. “Congratulations.”

Rei flushed again and smiled. “Thank you, Haruka-senpai.”

“I want to volunteer.”

“Haru,” Makoto whispered.

“You want—?” Rei shook his head. “The show of support is unnecessary, but I do appreciate the gesture.”

“No, Rei. I need your help.”

 

* * *

 

“Are you sure you want to go alone?” Makoto asked in their doorway, watching Haru tie his shoes. Haru had spent the morning ignoring the crease of worry across Makoto’s brow and sipping a drink Rei had called tracer fluid. It would supposedly make the scan clearer, and it left a terrible after taste.

“I’ll be fine.” Haru stood. “Rei said it won’t take long.”

“Okay.” Makoto smiled. In his green eyes, Haru could see the many things he wanted to say but didn’t know how. “Here. Take this.” Makoto pulled back his sleeve and unfastened his orange watch. “For good luck.”

Haru thought he should decline it. He didn’t need a charm. But it would make Makoto feel better, and maybe Haru too. “Thank you.” He held out his arm and let Makoto fasten it around his wrist.

“It’s a little big, I guess.”

Haru slid the watch, testing the risk of it falling off. It wouldn’t. “It’s fine. Thank you, Makoto.”

Makoto smiled but it was brittle and filled with something Haru couldn’t read. He thought there was nothing left between them he couldn’t understand, but Makoto held something back from Haru. It felt important. The weight of it filled the space between them.

“I should be back at two,” Haru said.

“Hm.” Makoto smiled again. This one was hopeful. The brightness warmed Haru. “I’ll be waiting.”

Haru nodded and stepped outside. He felt Makoto’s gaze on him until he cleared the steps and turned toward the subway.

On the train, Haru texted Rei and let him know he was on his way. He read a message from Rin, typed out a reply, but hesitated to send it. He hadn’t told Rin yet. It was unlikely Rin would know Haru was keeping something from him through a text response, but Haru locked his phone and slipped it back into his pocket. Just in case.

For the rest of the ride, he tried not to think about the scan and whether or not it could stop the countdown of his life.

Rei’s equipment was located across from the university in an older, nondescript building of weathered brick. Haru found the unmarked office despite the terrible directions Nagisa had given him.

“Haruka-senpai,” Rei greeted Haru at what Haru assumed to be reception but it lacked furniture. He led him through another door into a room with a large chair flanked by computer equipment. “This is the neurograph room.” Rei placed his hand on the gray chair with a large back and something that looked like a helmet. “I’ll run the scan here.”

It looked nothing like any of the medical machines Haru had seen the inside of many times during the prior months for more tests than he could recall. Haru began to wonder if Rei could really help.

“It won’t hurt,” Rei said, interpreting Haru’s silence as fear. “It just looks intimidating.”

Haru lowered his gaze and studied the wires carefully laid across the floor. It didn’t look professional, but the scan had only just been approved for human trials. It wouldn’t look like anything a hospital would have.

“It’s fine.” Haru placed his hand over Makoto’s watch. The plastic acted as an anchor to calm his nerves that had begun to fray. “When do we start?”

“We can start now. Just sit down and I’ll connect you. In about thirty minutes, we’ll be done.”

“That long?”

“Yes. It needs time to copy your brain. Not everything is quick.”

Haru nodded and sat down. Rei used gel and connected some sort of wires to Haru’s temples and lowered the helmet-looking cover from behind the chair. It blocked Haru’s vision and made him feel slightly claustrophobic.

“I’ll turn on the radio so it isn’t too quiet, Haruka-senpai. If you need anything, please let me know. I’ll be here monitoring the scan. Conversation isn’t suggested, but it won’t harm or change the results.”

“Okay.”

“I’m going to start now, Haruka-senpai.”

Music filtered from under the visor blocking Haru’s view of Rei. The soft hum of machines soon followed. Haru closed his eyes, prepared for thirty minutes of pop music he didn’t like and the calming ambient noise of computer and machine.

The music cut off abruptly and Haru opened his eyes. He heard footsteps. At least two sets. Someone had joined them.

“Did it work, Rei-chan?”

Nagisa. Haru moved his fingers to indicate he hadn’t fallen asleep.

“He moved,” Nagisa whispered.

“Of course it worked.” Rei’s voice drew closer. The visor lifted away and Haru blinked at the sudden light. “Haruka-senpai?”

“I’m fine.” Haru blinked a few times. The light hurt his eyes. The room seemed much brighter than before.

“Haru-chan,” Nagisa choked back a sob and Rei touched his shoulder. Haru frowned. Rei had probably told Nagisa about his illness. He was now one less person Haru had to worry about breaking the news to.

“I’m fine,” Haru repeated.

“How do you feel?” Rei asked.

Haru shrugged. “The same. That didn’t take very long.”

“What didn’t?”

“The scan.”

“Of course. That’s what you’d remember. It makes sense. Everything to that point—” Rei noticed Haru watching him and dropped his thought. “What day is it?”

Haru narrowed his eyes and glanced at Nagisa again. He had regained composure but there was something different. Something not right. “September 2nd.”

“And the year.”

“2019.”

Rei and Nagisa shared a look. “That’s good. Expected.”

Haru realized what had seem different about Nagisa. “Your hair.”

Nagisa blinked and touched the blond locks that were definitely shorter than Haru remembered. “My hair?”

Haru looked at Rei. The differences didn’t end with Nagisa. “Your glasses. They’re different.” The red frames Rei had worn since high school had been replaced with black.

Rei’s eyes widened and he nodded. “Yes. I know you’re probably confused, Haruka-senpai, but there’s a reasonable explanation for everything. Well. It might not seem reasonable at first.”

“What’s going on?” Frustration bubbled into Haru’s chest. He shifted to stand and noticed his wrist. It was bare. “Makoto’s watch.” Haru leaned forward to check the floor. The many wires that had covered worn tiles were gone, concealed under the floor of clean, white tiles. The chair itself was also white with a smaller cover.

“What watch?” Rei asked but Haru couldn’t hear it. Haru’s clothes were gone, replaced by light pink scrubs. Everything in the room had changed.

“Where am I?”

“You’re in Pace Laboratories.”

Haru couldn’t recall the name, but he knew it wasn’t the building near the university. “What’s that? Where are my clothes? And Makoto’s watch.”

“Please stay calm, Haru-chan.” Nagisa reached out but pulled back his hand. “Rei-chan can explain everything.”

Haru contained his flare of annoyance. He _was_ calm.

Rei gestured toward a small table and two folding chairs directly across from Haru. “Please sit down over there, Haruka-senpai. If you can.”

Haru narrowed his eyes again. Why wouldn’t he be able to move to the other chair? He stood and winced at the discomfort in his legs. They felt tired. He stood for a moment longer before walking across the small space and dropping into the folding chair. Soreness, as if he hadn’t used them for a day or two, settled into his legs like painful weights.

Something was wrong.

“This is going to be strange to hear, Haruka-senpai, but it isn’t 2019.” Rei sat down across from Haru. Haru waited for him to continue. “It’s 2024. Five years ago I scanned your brain in order to find a way to help you. We discovered the cause, but medical advances just weren’t enough to stop or reverse the damage.”

Haru shook his head. “What are you talking about?”

“You allowed me to keep your scan for my research outside of diagnostics.”

The prank wasn’t funny. Haru glanced at Nagisa, expecting to find a grin, but Nagisa wasn’t laughing. “What are you saying, Rei?”

“I couldn’t help you then. I’m sorry. However, I was able to help you after the fact, by using the scan and bioengineering advances.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You died, Haru-chan.” Nagisa blinked back fresh tears.

“I’m not—” Haru looked at his hands. He was still alive. He was still here.

“Haruka-senpai, this might be difficult to accept, but Nagisa-kun and I have placed your brain scan into a synthetically grown copy of your body. It isn’t entirely organic, because it houses the cortex chip needed to utilize your brain scan, but you’re flesh and bone again.”

Haru flexed his fingers. “I feel the same.”

“That’s probably your brain compensating or coping. I don’t know for certain. You’re the first of this caliber. In theory, the brain copes with small changes by ignoring them. Like how your eyes ignore the existence of your nose for sight, your brain compensates for certain discomfort.”

Haru studied the room. It now resembled the sleek and professional design many of the specialty doctor offices Haru had seen. He had only closed his eyes for a moment. Maybe he had fallen asleep. But his dreams had never been so vivid.

“It’s so good to see you again, Haru-chan.” Nagisa sniffed and Haru directed his gaze to him. The lingering youth in his face had faded into sharp lines of manhood. With a glance at Rei, Haru observed a similar evidence of passing time.

It wasn’t a prank. And Rei wouldn’t lie.

“I died?” Haru asked Rei.

“Yes. I’m sorry.” Regret and remorse glistened in Rei’s eyes.

“It’s not your fault.”

Rei’s wry and short laugh rattled a feeling deep inside of Haru’s chest he immediately pushed down.

“I had hoped my scan would’ve been more useful, but it just wasn’t enough.”

“It’s okay, Rei.”

Rei removed his glasses and wiped his cheek. “That’s what you said five years ago.” Returning his glasses, he gave Haru a smile meant to be comforting, but he knew Rei well enough to see his concern just beneath the surface. And it unnerved Haru. “Are you okay with this, Haruka-senpai?”

Haru touched his face. The question shouldn’t be easy. The situation seemed unreal. Haru wondered again if he had fallen asleep. “If I wasn’t, what would change then?”

Rei looked uncomfortable but answered honestly, “We would terminate the project.”

“That’s murder,” Nagisa accused and Rei winced. “We can’t lose Haru-chan again. I won’t allow it.”

“I know, Nagisa-kun,” Rei whispered.

A thought occurred to Haru. “Where’s Makoto?”

Rei’s expression changed and he shot a panicked gaze toward Nagisa. “Er. Well. Makoto-senpai is—”

“I constructed your body, Haru-chan.” Nagisa leaned onto the table, blocking Rei from Haru’s view. “Rei-chan helped, of course.”

Haru recognized the attempt to redirect him and wouldn’t be persuaded. “After I died, what happened to Makoto?”

“Do you want to know how we created the organic structure—?”

“Nagisa,” Haru said firmly, stopping him from rambling further. “What happened to Makoto?”

Nagisa frowned and stepped back, bringing Rei back into view. Rei sighed. “Makoto-senpai is still in the city. Rin-san and Sousuke-san moved closer to help. Makoto-senpai is very strong, and he’s still at the same firehouse. He’s coping. In his own way.”

“I want to see him.”

“You can’t.”

“Why not?”

Rei lowered his gaze. “We’re not certain how he’ll react.”

Haru could imagine the devastation his death would’ve caused Makoto. “How is he really doing, Rei?”

 

* * *

 

“Makoto!” Rin pounded on the door. Sousuke shifted on his feet to Rin’s left. “Open the door!”

“He’s not going to answer,” Sousuke said. His patience was shorter than Rin’s. “Use the key.”

“I want to at least give him a chance.”

“We go through this every day.”

Rin agreed with a click of his tongue and fished his copy of Makoto’s key from his pocket. He unlocked the door and shoved it open as far as the chain would allow. “Dammit, Makoto,” he hissed. He pounded on the metal and yelled inside, “Makoto, let us in!”

“We came prepared.” Sousuke hoisted up the industrial bolt cutters. “I’ll get us inside.”

Rin frowned. It was necessary but still felt wrong. “Makoto, we’re cutting the chain unless you come let us inside,” he yelled into the silent apartment. “Your landlord will be pissed!”

“You’re just wasting time.” Sousuke shoved the cutters inside and grabbed the chain. He strained but the metal gave way under the pressure and broke apart. “There. Easier than shouting.”

“I hate this,” Rin muttered and pushed open the door.

“I just hope Makoto hasn’t done something permanent.”

“Makoto wouldn’t kill himself.”

Sousuke grunted and set the bolt cutters beside the door. “Let’s find him and get his ass to work before he’s late.”

Rin nodded and started their search in the bedroom, expecting to find Makoto buried under blankets. But finding the bed empty, they continued down the hall into the bathroom.

“Are you in here, Makoto?” Rin slid open the door and Makoto looked up with surprise.

“Rin?”

It wasn’t the first time Rin had found him sitting on the bathroom floor, fully clothed, without a concept of time. “What are you doing, Makoto?”

Makoto shook his head and smiled. It was dull and no longer reached his tired eyes. “Thinking.”

“Have you eaten?” Rin asked and Makoto shook his head again. “You wore those clothes yesterday. Have you bathed?”

“No.” Makoto smiled sheepishly and pushed to his feet. He swayed and Rin took a step forward just in case he needed to catch Makoto’s fall. Closer, he could see the dark circles under Makoto’s eyes.

“You haven’t slept either.”

“I might have.”

Rin sighed. “Sleeping on the bathroom floor doesn’t count.” Makoto nodded and offered nothing more. “Look. Just take a quick shower. Sousuke will make you something to eat. I’ll find you clean clothes.”

“Thank you, Rin.”

“Yeah. Well. Just hurry.” Rin left Makoto and joined Sousuke in the hall.

“The usual?”

“Yeah.”

Sousuke grunted and followed Rin back down the hall and into Makoto’s room. “How much longer are we all going to pretend this is okay?”

Rin gave him a soft glare and opened the closet doors. “He’s coping.”

“He’s barely functioning.”

“It isn’t easy for anyone, but—” Rin ran his fingers over a blue jacket from Haru’s side of the closet. “Makoto has it worse.”

“It would be easier if he got rid of Haru. Holding onto his things isn’t helping.”

“Makoto has to be the one to let him go.” Rin moved to the other side of the closet and picked a shirt. He studied the material and size, expecting it to look a tad too large on Makoto. Last year it would’ve fit fine.

Rin lowered the hanger and caught Sousuke’s gaze. “Just go cook something,” he said softly.

Sousuke took a deep breath and turned toward the kitchen.


	2. Shadow of Brilliance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru goes home with Rin and faces rejection that makes him question whether or not Makoto will accept him.

**Chapter Two**

After an hour of reviewing physical therapy exercises he needed to do twice a day until the ache in his muscles eased, Haru spent the rest of the afternoon reading news from the internet. Rei worried the exposure to everything he had missed would complicate things—things being his emotional stability and mental health, but in the end Haru had won and Rei relinquished a computer for his use.

He started by looking up Pace Laboratories and learned Rei had founded it three years prior. Rei’s technology made a few headlines on science sites, but it hadn’t reached the interest of the general population just yet. Bioengineering and brain scans were mentioned, but combining the two was either not public information or something Rei had never done before.

For a few hours, Haru read about domestic and global economy, current world leaders, foreign altercations, and even fell into a few sites of celebrity news he cared very little about. He avoided looking up names of friends and his own death notice. He didn’t want to find something he’d regret. Five years was a lot to miss.

“Haruka-senpai.” Rei had checked on him periodically, but this time he no longer wore his lab coat and a new worry creased his brow. “You have a visitor.”

“Makoto?”

“No.”

Haru stood and followed Rei into the neurograph room. He heard a familiar voice raised against Nagisa’s softer one before passing through the doors.

“Like hell we agreed on this.” Rin looked up at Rei’s and Haru’s entrance. His angered expression softened for a moment before it returned, harder than before. His hair tied back at his nape looked longer, but five years hadn’t changed his appearance by much. “What have you done, Rei?”

“We’ve discussed this, Rin-san.”

“A discussion isn’t permission.”

“I didn’t require your permission, but it’s already done. Haruka-senpai is here.”

Rin turned away with a scoff. For the first time, Haru felt the weight of everything. His new existence wasn’t welcomed by Rin, how would he be welcomed by Makoto? Was he as human as he felt? To Haru, nothing had changed. It was still September 2, 2019. He had only gone for a scan that could save his life.

But Haru was a stranger to a world that had moved on without him.

“Rin.” Haru stepped forward. Rin looked at him. Confusion mixed with his anger. “I’m sorry.”

“You—” Rin shook his head. “What could you be sorry about?”

“You’re upset. I’m the cause.”

“Rei’s the cause.”

“Rin-san—” Rei began.

“Whatever.” Rin pushed his hand through his hair. “It’s fine. Just. Whatever. I’ll take him. But I want it known I think this is a bad idea. You don’t know what you’re messing with, Rei. Theories are great, but they don’t always apply to humans the way you think they will.”

Rei nodded curtly. “Noted.” He turned toward Haru. “Rin-san and Sousuke-san have agreed to let you stay with them until permanent arrangements can be made.”

“I can’t go home?”

Rei frowned. There was just too much to cover. “You and Makoto-senpai moved a year after your scan—which is after the point of time your memory ends.”

Haru’s home had changed. He had had no idea.

“You’ll return in the morning, and we’ll go over more things,” Rei continued. “Nagisa-kun and I will have more time, and we’ll answer more of your questions. Get sleep tonight, but don’t forget to do your exercises.”

“Okay.”

“Let’s go, Haru.” Rin paused and looked at Haru as if prepared to say something more, but thought better about it, closed his mouth, and sulked toward the door.

After a quick hug and promise that everything will be fine from Nagisa, Haru followed.

 

* * *

 

It was worse than ever before. Haru watched Rin stomp around the apartment, gathering bedding for him to use that night and avoiding eye contact at all costs. To Haru, it felt like high school again. Rin had returned filled with unvented anger then too. And just like then, he had no idea how to repair the situation or even why Rin’s eyes flashed with anger each time he looked at Haru.

After an hour of sitting silently on the floor, the front door opened. Sousuke wandered into the living room a moment later, still dressed in his police uniform. He stopped the moment his gaze landed on Haru. An emotion Haru couldn’t read passed over his face before confusion replaced it.

“It is already June?”

Haru had no idea so he said nothing.

Rin entered the room from the hallway. “Did you agree to his?” He thumbed toward Haru. Haru tried not to take offense.

“Yes.”

“What? Why?”

Sousuke shrugged. “Why shouldn’t I?”

Rin scoffed and turned on his heel. Sousuke waited until a door slammed somewhere down the hallway before facing Haru.

“Are you all—?” he gestured vaguely to his head.

Haru nodded.

“It happened today?”

Haru nodded again.

“Do you know what day it is?”

Haru shook his head. Rei and Nagisa had talked a lot about the “how,” but not the “why” of things, or even the current lives their friends led. And no matter how many times he had asked, no one would talk about Makoto.

“Happy birthday.”

Haru blinked. “June 30?”

“Yeah. Rei wanted it to be the same. Something about familiarity.”

“Oh.”

“How do you feel?”

“Tired.”

“I meant—”

Rin returned and squeezed around Sousuke. Sousuke caught him by his wrist.

“What are you doing?”

Rin didn’t turn. “I need to check on Makoto.”

“He’ll be fine. We’ll go in the morning like we always do.”

Rin jerked free and glanced at Haru. “I just need to get out of here. Don’t wait for me.”

Sousuke let him go. Silence hung in the air long after the front door slammed behind Rin’s exit. Misery crawled deeper into Haru. Rin had ran away from him before. It was his fault again.

“Ignore Rin,” Sousuke said. “He hasn’t accepted your death, and now you’re back. He isn’t the best with emotions.”

Haru focused on his hands. He didn’t understand, but he was now the cause of turmoil. Maybe it would be better for Rei to terminate the project. He felt human, but Rin had looked at him as if he was an imposter wearing his friend’s face.

“Do you want a change of clothes?”

Haru picked at the scrubs. “This is fine.”

“It isn’t.” Sousuke went down the hall and returned with track pants and a tee. “They’ll be too big for you, but I think Rin will kill me if I let you use his.”

“Thanks.” Haru rubbed his fingers across the material. Soft. They smelled like detergent he didn’t recognize. It wasn’t the same scent he used. “I—” his stomach growled.

“Have you eaten?”

“This morn—” Haru shook his head. _This morning_ was nothing but a memory five years old. “No.”

“I’ll cook dinner.”

“Could I?”

Sousuke crossed his arms. They were just as large as Haru remembered. Sousuke’s scowl and hair hadn’t changed either, but he looked tired. “Despite Rin’s reaction, you’re a guest.”

“Please.”

Sousuke shrugged. “Do what you want. I’m going to change.”

Haru stood on tired legs. Nothing seemed normal anymore. He felt like a stranger in his own life. But cooking was something he knew. It was something normal. Haru needed normalcy. He craved it.

 

* * *

 

Sousuke hung his uniform and changed into track pants similar to the ones he lent Haru and a Tokyo police department tee. He had accepted Haru’s death and watched Rin bury his agony in order to deal with Makoto’s. For Makoto’s sake, Rin had pretended everything was fine for long enough that he had started to believe his own lie. The ignored sorrow had eventually twisted like a barb in his heart. He no longer frowned at the mention of Haru’s name, but scowled with contempt at it. Rin blamed Haru for dying.

And now Haru was in their kitchen cooking dinner like nothing had happened.

The situation was strange, and Rei hadn’t fully explained what to expect or exactly what Haru would be. Sousuke assumed he was as human as he looked, but the copy—Haru’s consciousness—had been inside of a computer for five years. Maybe he was half robot like in a movie. Sousuke frowned and hoped he hadn’t encouraged Rei to build a robot replacement.

Sousuke returned to the front room. Whatever Haru had started in the kitchen smelled delicious which meant Haru at least had a human nose.

Haru glanced at Sousuke when he entered and brought the shallow bowl to his lips, to test the taste of the broth.

“Wait!” Sousuke grabbed Haru’s arm, causing him to drop the shallow dish into the simmering liquid. His annoyed expression he shot Sousuke matched his memory of Haru.

“What?”

“Uh.” Sousuke released him. “Can you eat? Do you have normal”—Sousuke gestured at his own stomach—“everything?”

“What?” Haru repeated with narrowed eyes. He seemed to think about the question and his expression cleared. “I don’t know. I think so.”

“Let’s check with Rei before you eat anything. There might be a reason he didn’t feed you.”

“Okay.” Haru turned off the burner and watched Sousuke make the call and switch it to speaker.

Rei answered on the third ring. “Good evening, Sousuke-san. Is Haruka-senpai doing well?”

“Yeah. Can he eat?”

“Any discomfort will most likely be caused by mental distress. His body is a fully functional, synthetically constructed organic body, but it’s possible the first meal requiring regular digestion could produce a negative reaction. I suggest he eats lightly tonight. Liquids are fine. Haruka-senpai is human, but his body needs time to adjust.”

“Completely human?”

“Yes. His brain contains a cortex chip, but he isn’t filled with wires or computer parts. Haruka-senpai needs to eat and sleep just like before. I reviewed exercises required to coax his muscles into normal use—they were exercised previously with electric currents, but I failed to cover the rest today. I apologize for my error.”

Haru rested the ladle on the counter. “Can I take a bath?”

Sousuke wasn’t sure if he had asked Sousuke or Rei, but Rei answered, “Yes. Use your body as you always have.”

Haru opened his mouth—maybe to point out how he hadn’t _used_ the body before—but closed it and nodded. “I’m going to take a bath,” he said to Sousuke and walked around him. He seemed to be the Haru Sousuke remembered.

Sousuke took the phone off of speaker and brought it to his ear. “You need better exit counseling, Rei.”

“Haruka-senpai is the first. I honestly don’t know how to make the transition easier. It could still fail. Please watch him closely tonight.”

“What do you mean ‘fail’?”

“It might be too much mental distress on Haruka-senpai.”

Sousuke glanced down the hallway. Now he had two people to worry about. At least Rin was with the other one. “Why did you ask us to take him tonight?”

“Due to the extra hours we’ve given to Haruka-senpai’s case to meet our deadline, Nagisa-kun and I have other projects to catch up on. I had also hoped Rin-san would accept him before we tell Makoto-senpai.”

Sousuke knew Rin better than Makoto, but he couldn’t see Rin ever accepting the new Haru—was it right to consider him “new” if the scan was five years old? Makoto might accept Haru’s situation, but Makoto was half way to desperation with sorrow leading the way.

“What does Haru remember?”

“Everything up to his scan five years prior. He has all the memories he had at that point.”

“But nothing after.”

“No. Sousuke-san, right now he needs familiarity. Until we’re sure he’s fully accepted his unique situation, please try not to remind him too much of the time difference and missed events in his own life.”

“I don’t think he needs a reminder.”

Rei made a soft noise of agreement. “Please bring him by Pace tomorrow morning. Call me if you have any concerns tonight.”

“Okay.” Sousuke hung up and wandered down the hall. He paused and listened outside of the bathroom door for a moment. Hearing nothing of concern inside, he returned to the kitchen.

Haru watched Sousuke’s silhouette leave the frosted glass inlayed in the door. He hugged his knees to his chest in water a few degrees too hot. Left alone in the bathroom, he learned his new body could cry and his tears tasted human.

 

* * *

Rin unlocked Makoto’s door and let himself in. The smell of frying mackerel triggered memories and emotions he quickly stamped down hard enough to twist his stomach.

“Makoto?” he called but only silence answered. He entered the kitchen and frowned at Makoto seated on the floor with his back against the refrigerator.

“Hello, Rin.” He looked up with a smile that had lost its usual warmth. It was a shadow of the brilliance it used to be.

“What are you doing, you idiot?” Rin stepped over Makoto and turned off the stove’s burner. The mackerel had finished cooking and was on the verge of burning.

“I like the smell.”

Rin swallowed the lump in his throat and moved the skillet to the side. “You don’t have to burn your house down if you want to smell something.”

“I miss him.”

The confession was rare from Makoto and made tears prick the back of Rin’s eyes. Makoto carried pain where he had once carried joy and optimism. He covered it well with plastic smiles and careful words, but every so often he lowered his mask enough for Rin to see the biggest change Haru had inflicted.

“I know.” Rin lowered onto the floor beside him. “But this isn’t healthy, Makoto.”

Makoto linked his fingers together on his knees. “Let me have it a little bit longer.”

“If I continue to wait until you’re ready, you’ll never move on. You’ll always have half a closet and dresser of Haru’s clothes. You’ll burn the entire building down by leaving mackerel on the stove too long. You—” Rin caught Makoto watching him and stopped. “You’ll stay miserable forever,” he finished softly.

“You’re right.” Makoto took a deep breath and lowered his head back. It connected with the refrigerator behind him with a soft thud. “But I can’t move on just yet.”

“Small steps, Makoto.”

“Today is—was his birthday. We should be celebrating together.”

Tears threatened Rin’s eyes again. He thought about Haru in his apartment with Sousuke. Was it even really Haru? He drew his knees up, mirroring Makoto’s stance. “If Rei’s technology could—I don’t know—make another Haru, would you want that? Would that stop this?”

“Haru was Haru. There’s no replacement.”

“I think the same.”

Silence filled the kitchen and bled into the lingering smell of Haru’s frequent meal.

“But if Rei had copied Haru,” Makoto began in a whisper. “Maybe that would be different.”

A copy. Copies were substitutions and substitutions weren’t good enough. “But Haru is still gone. His body was cremated. A copy of a brain means nothing.”

“Haru was more than just his body.”

“Hm.” Rin hugged his legs tighter. “So you’d want to talk to a copy? Like that assistant Rei has living in his lab computer? A digital version of a human?”

Makoto lowered his gaze to his hands and twisted the silver ring around his finger. “What I really want is to go back five years and find a way to save him. What if we had started the search for a cure sooner or—”

“Don’t.” Rin sighed. “‘What ifs’ only make it worse.”

Makoto chuckled dryly with a hint of regretful remorse “‘What ifs’ are all I have.”

“You have memories. Focus on those.”

“Those hurt worse than thinking about our future that we’ll never have.”

Sorrow bloomed anew in Rin’s chest, and tears filled his eyes. He buried his face in his knees. Makoto was right. Memories twisted the knife of sorrow, but regrets and anger ceased the movement. He thought about the imposter sitting in his apartment with Sousuke and bit back the wave of betrayal over Rei’s decision to use his technology. Rei had sullied Haru’s memory. The thing wearing Haru’s face had no right. Haru was gone. Why couldn’t Rei and Nagisa accept that?

“Do you think Haru would be disappointed with us?”

Rin lifted up his head and sniffed. “Yeah. He would be.” But Haru was gone, so damn his opinion.


	3. Unspoken Whispers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru and Sousuke talk, Haru meets Rei's brain scan, and Makoto learns about Haru.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the encouragement on this fic. I appreciate every kudo and comment <3 
> 
> and a big thanks to Nicole for the beta read~ <3

**Chapter Three**

Sousuke had finished off his portion of dinner by the time Haru rejoined him. The borrowed track pants and tee hung off of his smaller frame and made him look more like a lost child than the adult Sousuke knew.

“There’s food on the stove,” Sousuke said after Haru sat down at the kotatsu. Haru nodded but remained seated. His stoic face carried less emotion than Sousuke remembered possible. “There’s beer in the fridge, if you want. Although, I’m not sure if it’ll tax your body or whatever.”

Haru thought about it, but after Rei’s warning about solid food, he decided not to risk it. “Rin said he went to check on Makoto.”

“Yeah.”

“How is Makoto?”

Sousuke looked down at his can of beer. “You know exactly how Makoto would handle your death.”

He did. Guilt rose up with a pang of sadness. “Yeah.”

“Although, it might be worse than what you can imagine. Your memories are five years old, right?”

Haru’s gaze lifted to Sousuke’s. Sousuke’s face gave nothing away, but he heard the whispers of something unspoken. Something he had missed during the last five years. “Did our relationship change?”

Sousuke tilted the can. “I think that’s something you should discuss with Makoto.”

Haru huffed softly. “Rei said I had to wait.”

“Scientist knows best.” Sousuke finished off the can and sat back with a sign. “I’m not supposed to be talking to you about anything you’ve missed.”

“Why not?”

“It’s supposed to make things easier for you.”

“It won’t.”

“Yeah.” Sousuke rubbed his neck. “Avoidance never does.”

“You’re still a police officer.”

“I never looked at it as a short term career. With Rin off in Australia after high school, I had to pick something to do, and I didn’t want to run my dad’s shop.”

“Is Rin still a coach?”

“Yeah. He’s at a University now.”

“You two moved.”

Sousuke nodded. “Rin wanted to be closer to you and Makoto before you—well, you know. But we took too long—I guess we thought we had more time. You were gone, but it gave Rin easier access to play big brother to Makoto.”

“Oh.”

“I worked ten hour shifts and Rei and Nagisa rarely left the lab. Rin and Makoto had to rely on each other during the first year.” Sousuke studied Haru. The guarded mask had faded under the weight of the conversation. “I never knew how much you held the group together.”

Haru’s gaze lifted. “What?”

“I’ve watched the others gather around you since elementary school. I didn’t understand it at the time. I barely understood it in high school. I devoted my last year of school to Rin and his goals, but even then, the devotion you four had for each other was out of my understanding. Until you were gone. And everything changed.”

Sousuke sat up and ran his hand across the surface of the kotatsu. “I guess we shouldn’t be talking about this either.”

Haru studied the wrinkled pads of his fingers. He had never considered Sousuke a close friend, but Rei and Nagisa acted like he was a science experiment, and Rin looked at him like he was a monster. “Why are you talking to me like this is normal?”

Sousuke shrugged. “You were always weird.”

A small laugh escaped Haru’s throat. The feeling uncoiled the tension behind his ribcage.

“It isn’t normal,” Sousuke continued. “But from what I’ve seen, you’re you. You’re just five years late to everything.”

“When did I die?”

Sousuke held Haru’s gaze, worried about the intensity of it. “Two years ago this November.”

The tension returned, pressing against Haru’s sternum. “I had less time than the doctors said.” He focused on the drying condensation on Sousuke’s beer can. It didn’t seem fair. He had had so many things he wanted to do. Even with three years, he probably ran out of time.

“Are you okay with what Rei did?”

Haru blinked and looked at the crease of worry across Sousuke’s brow. He did look older. Not by much. Not like Nagisa. “I don’t know.”

Sousuke nodded. “Not that it matters, but I’m glad you’re back.”

Back. As if Haru had just been away. As if he hadn’t lived, died, and returned as a computer chip in a body grown in a lab. Yet, Sousuke’s opinion did matter. The tension eased once again and he took a deep breath.

“Thanks.” He got to his feet and went into the kitchen to test whether or not he could stomach dinner.

 

* * *

 

Sousuke’s intimidating scowl kept pedestrians and curious office and laboratory workers at bay. They stood in the shade of the Pace Laboratories, waiting for Rei to come down. The security through the front doors would prevent them from going up to Rei themselves, but even without clearance, Haru lacked proof of identification.

“Sou-chan! Haru-chan!” Nagisa swung out of the front doors and stopped in front of them. “Sorry. Rei-chan had an unscheduled meeting.”

“It’s not even eight,” Sousuke complained.

“Sorry, Sou-chan.” Nagisa shifted his gaze to Haru and the pink scrubs he still wore from the day before. “You look better today, Haru-chan. Did you sleep?”

Haru nodded but Sousuke knew he hadn’t slept much. Sousuke hadn’t either. He had waited up for Rin and listened to Haru’s restless movements in the front room. True to his word, Rin hadn’t returned.

“We already ate breakfast,” Sousuke said. “You can tell Rei.”

Nagisa grinned. “Thanks, Sou-chan. Can he sleep over again tonight?”

Haru narrowed his eyes and looked at the traffic. Being treated like some sort of pet didn’t sit well with him, but maybe he no longer had the right to complain. He felt Sousuke’s gaze fall on him and slide away a moment later.

“Haru can stay if that’s what he wants,” Sousuke said. The carefully structured sentence spoke more than simple acceptance of Haru’s autonomy.

Nagisa’s eyes widened, realizing just how his question had sounded. “I mean, is Haru-chan allowed over again? Sorry, Haru-chan.”

“It’s fine.” It wasn’t. But not much felt fine anymore.

 

* * *

 

They rode up to their floor in silence. Nagisa smiled at Haru, but he didn’t quite seem like the Nagisa Haru remembered. The signs of five years showed with exhaustion and stress.

“I’m happy you’re back, Haru-chan,” Nagisa spoke to the doors, but Haru could see his wry smile reflected in the polished steel. “We all missed you so much.”

Haru nodded, accepting the sentiment and information, but he knew no words of comfort for the unique situation.

“Anyway,” Nagisa spoke again. “I think I can get Mako-chan to come by today.”

Haru’s gaze lifted. He wanted to see Makoto. “When?”

“I don’t know. If it isn’t work related, it’s not easy to get Mako-chan to leave his apartment.”

“Oh.”

The doors opened and Nagisa’s phone beeped. He stepped into the hallway with Haru but read the message and frowned. “I’m sorry, Haru-chan. I have to leave you here.” He caught the doors before they closed. “Rei-chan should be up soon. Just wait in the lab. It’s the only door down the hall. Rei-chan-too will let you in. I’ll see you for lunch. Bye, Haru-chan!”

“Who—” The doors closed on Nagisa’s waving form before Haru could get out his question. “Who’s Rei-chan-too?” he asked to his reflection.

With a sigh, he headed down the hall and tried the only door. Locked. He could only wait and hope Rei wouldn’t take too long to arrive.

“Haruka-senpai?” Rei’s voice asked from the other side.

“Yes, Rei,” Haru said a little louder.

“Oh. One moment. I’ll unlock the door.”

Haru heard the lock disengage and tried the handle again. It opened and he entered the neurograph room. The lights flickered on. There wasn’t anyone inside. “Rei?”

“I’m here, Haruka-senpai.”

Haru turned toward Rei’s voice and faced a computer stand with an image of Rei displayed on a screen. Video conferencing. “Where are you, Rei?”

“Dr. Ryugazaki should be joining us shortly.” Rei’s image remained static. Not a video. “He let me know to expect you. I’m called Rei-chan-too.”

The explanation confused Haru as much as the strange name. “Rei-chan-too?”

“It’s the name Dr. Hazuki gave me. It’s unfortunately too similar to the Rei you were expecting, but that’s Nagisa-kun for you.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I thought Dr. Ryugazaki explained my presence to you. I was the very first brain scan Dr. Ryugazaki did on himself. The prototype, I guess. He put me into use four years ago. I’ve been living in this computer ever since.”

“You’re a brain scan?”

“Yes. Like you. But not like you in many ways. I am Rei Ryugazaki, or what he used to be. I’m now less like the Rei you know and more like artificial intelligence. Dr. Ryugazaki refers to it as evolution, but I think of it as adaptation.”

“Did I live in a computer?”

“Not at all.” Rei-chan-too made a sound similar to Rei’s laughter. “The scan of your consciousness was safely stored and inaccessible to any computer system but myself. It was untouched until Dr. Ryugazaki and Dr. Hazuki moved it into a cortex chip and your new body. Oh! I haven’t even asked how you’re feeling yet.”

The tension returned to Haru’s ribcage. “I’m fine.”

“Good. Dr.Ryugazaki shouldn’t be long now. Please wait in his office. It’s to your right. I’ll unlock it.”

Haru took a step back and turned. He heard the mechanical whir of the lock disengaging and the door swung open. He entered the small space that appeared more like a work station than an office. Paperwork and computer equipment crowded the two chairs inside.

One screen out of four on the desk lit up with Rei-chan-too’s image. “Do you have any questions for me, Haruka-senpai?”

“Are there more like you?”

“Not at all. Most of the brain scans are stored or destroyed.”

“Destroyed? But they’re copies like me?”

“They are copies of a person, but they are not like you. They are unaware of their existence. They’re more like a computer file.”

Haru sat down in the smaller of the two chairs. Uncomfortable plastic dug into his back. He wondered again if he had fallen asleep during the scan and everything after had been a vivid and crazy dream. Or maybehe had died in Rei’s machine and this was the afterlife.

“When can I see Makoto?”

“Oh. Uh. I don’t know. I try not to converse with Dr. Ryugazaki’s friends. I find the general reaction to a copy troubling.”

Haru frowned. He was a copy too. Even if he had a body, were they really that much different? “Makoto doesn’t like you?”

“Makoto-senpai seems indifferent.” Rei-chan-too was quiet a moment. “I realize how insensitive my comment was to your situation,” he said softer and a beat slower than before. “I apologize, Haruka-senpai. I said so before, but you and I are not the same. I cannot be human without everything that makes a human a human. The reaction to me will not be the same reaction you receive. I hope you understand that.”

Haru nodded and studied the framed degrees, certificates, and awards lining one wall. Could they really be different? They were both copies of a person’s consciousness—of their identity. Haru felt like himself, but the gnawing knowledge of his true anatomy cast doubt on the parts of his mind that believed nothing had changed after the moment he closed his eyes in Rei’s machine.

“I’m sorry for my tardiness, Haruka-senpai,” Rei exclaimed from the doorway. He dropped into a chair near Haru and took several deep breaths. “I ran from the meeting. I thought Nagisa-kun would stay with you. How are you feeling?”

“Fine.”

Rei collected himself and gave Haru a soft smile. He fixed the placement of his glasses and glanced at the monitor featuring his face. “Rei-chan-too, give me a moment with Haruka-senpai.” The screen flickered off.

“Am I like that program?”

“Rei-chan-too isn’t a program, but he’s more program than you are.”

Haru didn’t believe it. He couldn’t see the distinction Rei obviously could.

“Anyway, Haruka-senpai—”

“Call me Haru.”

Rei’s eyes widened slightly. If he took offense, he didn’t show it, but his surprise was evident. “But Haruka-senpai, I’ve always referred to you—”

“You’re older than me now.”

“Well. I suppose I am. But that doesn’t change—”

“I don’t want you to call me that.” Haru trained his gaze on the wall of accolades. He wasn’t the Haruka Rei had known, and a copy didn’t deserve the same treatment. “Please.”

“Very well,” Rei said with reluctance. “Do you approve of ‘Haruka-san’?”

“Yes.”

“If you change your mind later, please let me know.”

Haru nodded but he had no intention of changing his mind.

“I’ve contacted Makoto-senpai,” Rei said. “If you’d still like to meet with him, he’ll be by this afternoon.”

Haru had wanted to see Makoto again, but after meeting Rei-chan-too, he understood his situation better. Makoto might not look at him in the same way.

“You don’t have to decide now,” Rei continued in the silence. “We need to discuss a few other things, like the legal aspects of your second chance at life.”

Second chance. As a copy—a shadow of what he used to be? “What legal aspects?”

“Nanase Haruka is dead, but you’re Nanase Haruka. We need to file the appropriate paperwork to grant you citizenship. It’s a gray area of the law, to say the least. Nagisa-kun and I should have handled this part before installing your cortex chip, but we hadn’t been sure it would work.”

Haru wasn’t even a legal citizen. It wasn’t a dream. It was a nightmare. “What can I do?”

“Let Nagisa-kun and I take care of it. I think a job of your own will give you some confidence that only comes with independence. We’ll find you a place of your own as well. When you’re ready.”

“I’ll need a job.”

“I’d like you to work here, Haruka-sen—Haruka-san. Just until you have proper identification to find a job of your own. I can hire you without such papers.”

“What can I do here?”

“We’ll figure it out. The first step in your second life is new clothes. You can’t stay in Nagisa-kun’s scrubs forever.”

 

* * *

 

Rei’s offered pointers for beautiful color combinations ceased after the third phone call. He left Haru to find clothes by himself, promising to stay close. Haru didn’t care about fashion, he wanted practical necessities, but he missed Rei’s non-stop commentary.

Haru searched for what he needed and took his selection to Rei. Without money or ID, he couldn’t do more than that. Rei ended his call with an apology.

“It’s fine.”

Rei studied the selected items. “Are you sure you don’t want more?”

“This is enough.”

Rei’s phone buzzed again. He checked the screen and ignored the call. “Let’s go back.”

“You’re busy.”

“Yes. I head a few research divisions within the company. And the neurograph is an exclusive procedure I alone control.”

“The brain scan?”

“Yes. Some years ago I realized the technology—the ability to copy a person—shouldn’t be mass marketed or even available to a wider net of people.”

“Why?”

“Not everyone understands what it means to copy a consciousness.” Rei adjusted his glasses to hide his frown. “And I didn’t like following the patient’s wish to delete their scan file.”

“A computer file.”

“A computer file that’s a person,” Rei corrected softly.

 

* * *

 

They returned to find Nagisa gone. Haru took his purchases into the computer laboratory of the neurograph room to change into real clothes that fit his body. He realized he hadn’t tried on anything, forgetting his body was not the one he remembered. Still, the items he selected fit better than Sousuke’s borrowed track pants or Nagisa’s scrubs.

He heard Nagisa’s voice through the door, so he left the rest of his items in the bags and took the folded scrubs with him into the neurograph room.

“I didn’t expect you this early, Makoto-senpai,” Rei said.

At Makoto’s name, Haru halted. His gaze searched and found the mess of brown hair and gentle smile. Makoto’s eyes were closed in a familiar expression but it seemed wrong somehow. Dull. Lifeless.

“Ah!” Nagisa exclaimed and Makoto’s eyes, two shades too dull, opened and widened.

“Har—?” the name stuck in his throat.

Haru swallowed. He had wanted to see Makoto, but Makoto had changed. Nagisa and Rei had aged, but time had touched Makoto differently. He wore sleepless nights like a favorite shirt.

“Makoto,” Haru said his name and Makoto inhaled sharply. Hope mixed with pain crossed his expression.

“Mako-chan?” Nagisa whispered.

Rei looked between the two. “Makoto-senpai, we need to explain,” he began.

Makoto raised his left hand to stop Rei. Something glinted in the light and caught Haru’s eye.

“I’m sorry.” Makoto took a step back. “I need a minute.” He turned and fled into the hallway. Fear had won over his conflicting emotions.

“Mako-chan, wait!” Nagisa went after Makoto.

“I’m very sorry, Haruka-san.” Rei turned to Haru. “I wanted to explain the situation to him before he saw you, but he arrived earlier than I expected.”

“It’s fine.” Haru’s chest ached. He hoped his new body was failing, and it had nothing to do with heartache. He had missed five years of Makoto’s life, but Makoto had lived without Haru for almost two. Of course he’d be scared of a ghost.

“Makoto-senpai was probably just surprised. Nagisa-kun will explain everything to him.”

“When did Makoto get married?”

Surprise crossed Rei’s features. He cleared it with a frown. “He isn’t.”

“He wears a ring.”

“It’s unofficial. It was a promise made to someone.”

Haru didn’t need to ask for a name. He rubbed his finger with his thumb. He had missed so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Makoto next time ;)


	4. Miracle or Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto takes Haru home, but things aren't how they used to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone~ Thank you for the continued support. :)  
> Enjoy this makoharu filled chapter!

**Chapter Four**

Makoto fled with Nagisa on his heels. He went left instead of right toward the elevators and hit a dead end. It didn’t matter. He hadn’t planned to leave. He just needed air and all of the oxygen seemed to have vacated the scan room.

The large window at the end of the hallway overlooked the Tokyo streets thirty floors below. Nagisa stopped a few feet away. Makoto felt his observation before he heard the careful tone.

“Are you okay, Mako-chan?”

“He—” Makoto balled his fists, fought off a wave of sorrow induced nausea and faced Nagisa with a practiced smile. “He looked like Haru.”

He sounded pathetic. Almost two years and he fell apart at the sight of a blue-eyed, black-haired intern that looked remarkably just like Haru. Time hadn’t healed any wounds. Seeing the stranger had placed Makoto right back to the day after Haru’s death.

“Mako-chan,” Nagisa said his name softer.

“I’ll be fine,” Makoto hurried to assure. “It was just a shock.”

“But Mako-chan, it _is_ Haru-chan.”

Makoto swallowed. The joke wasn’t funny. “That isn’t possible.”

Nagisa took a step closer. His serious expression remained, and Makoto failed to recall the last time he had played any sort of prank or had joked around at all.

“You know what Rei-chan and I do here,” Nagisa said.

“You grow organs, and Rei detects brain damage and illness.”

“You’re right. I take a patient’s DNA and bioengineer a new heart or lung to replace one that will fail. The process isn’t too different from constructing an entire body. It takes longer and is more complicated, but it’s possible.” Nagisa smiled softly and looked out the window. “And Rei-chan has a machine capable of copying a person’s consciousness—their entire being.”

Makoto could see the dots Nagisa wanted him to connect. “Haru?”

Nagisa nodded. “Haru was the second person to have his brain scanned. We had his DNA from a biopsy during his treatment.”

“Haru is dead,” Makoto said. It had taken him months to accept that simple fact, and he still couldn’t move past it. “Don’t do this, Nagisa.”

“Haru-chan is dead,” Nagisa agreed. After a moment he inhaled and continued, “But a copy of Haru-chan is alive and disoriented in a world that has changed in a blink of an eye. He’s Haru-chan just as much as Haru-chan was!” His voice grew louder with his emotions. He looked down and regained his composure. “He’s Haru-chan from five years ago in a new body, but he’s still Haru-chan.”

Makoto glanced up the hallway. It seemed like a dream. Could Haru really be brought back? “You grew an entire body in a lab?”

“The structure was bioengineered, but it’s still real flesh and bone.”

It didn’t feel right. Real or not, it wasn’t Haru’s body. Not the one Makoto knew. Not the one that had turned against Haru.

“It isn’t possible,” he whispered. “You can’t bring back the dead.”

“Mako-chan, did you love Haru-chan for his body?”

Makoto returned his gaze to Nagisa, affronted by the question. “No! Of course not.”

“You loved Haru-chan for his mind?”

“I loved his heart. His smile, his quirks, his dedication. I loved everything about Haru.”

Nagisa took Makoto’s hands and stared up at him. “All those traits came from his mind, and Rei-chan copied it. Trust me, Mako-chan, the Haru-chan in the lab is _your_ Haru-chan.”

Emotion bubbled in his chest and threatened to burst up through his throat. Could Haru truly be back? Science had worked miracles before, but an exact copy of a person placed into a new body was unbelievable.

Despite the odds, hope swelled in his chest and won out over the many doubts.

“I want to meet him.”

 

* * *

Makoto returned with Nagisa smiling at his side. Haru studied his reaction when his gaze found Haru. Cautious and hopeful.

“Makoto-senpai,” Rei began. “I had wished to explain the situation to you before you arrived.”

Makoto nodded, listening to Rei, but his gaze never left Haru. Anyone else, and Haru would feel the sharp prick of annoyance, but with Makoto, it felt normal. The tension behind his ribs lessened once again.

“...designed and administered by Nagisa-kun, Haruka-san’s body is organic and identical to his original.”

“Later Mako-chan can tell me how true to the original Haru-chan is,” Nagisa said with a grin. A flash of embarrassment broke Makoto’s observation of Haru.

“Nagisa-kun!” Rei scolded.

Makoto’s faint blush added color to his pale skin. “It’s okay, Rei.”

“I think it would be best if you two talked alone, Makoto-senpai. If you’re comfortable with that.”

Makoto’s gaze returned to Haru. Hope brightened his eyes but they remained a shade too dull. “I’m comfortable.”

“Makoto.” Haru had no idea what to say. He didn’t know what had happened between them after his scan five years ago. But he had to say something. Anything. But Makoto spoke first.

“Welcome back.” His smile was a shadow of the illuminating one Haru had known, but it was something. And it warmed Haru.

Nagisa grabbed onto Makoto’s arm. “We should celebrate!”

Memories rung in Haru’s head, but this time Nagisa didn’t offer to call Rin or Sousuke.

“For the time being, excessive drinking should be avoided by Haruka-san,” Rei said and dampened Nagisa’s excitement. “And you have projects to report on.”

“Rei-chan’s no fun,” Nagisa complained but released Makoto’s arm.

“We can celebrate later,” Makoto offered.

Nagisa stepped back with a wink. “It’s a promise, Mako-chan.”

A moment later, Makoto’s gaze found Haru’s again. He seemed as unsure about the situation as Haru.

“You can use my office to talk in private,” Rei offered.

“I want to go home,” Haru declared.

“Haruka-san, I’ve already explained that the home you remember—”

“It’s fine, Rei.” Makoto turned his attention to Rei. “My apartment was Haru’s too.”

“Makoto-senpai, to Haruka-san, he just had his brain scan yesterday. Every moment and event after September 2, 2019 never happened. Do you understand?”

“Yes. I think. But even if Haru doesn’t remember or know the current address, we’d lived together since we left for university.”

Rei frowned but accepted the information with a nod. “Haruka-san can do as he pleases, but I need you to remember the date his memories cut off, Makoto-senpai. Unnecessary emotional distress should be avoided.”

“Rei-chan’s telling you not to frighten Haru-chan,” Nagisa explained. “And be mindful of what he knows to avoid the pitfalls of guilt.”

Haru huffed, annoyed by how Rei and Nagisa spoke about him as if he wasn’t in the room. He might be a copy, but his hearing worked fine.

Makoto glanced in his direction and nodded to Rei. “I understand.”

Nagisa lightly touched Makoto’s arm. “Are you sure you’re okay with this, Mako-chan?”

“I’m fine, Nagisa.”

Despite the time gap, Haru could still read Makoto. His reassuring smile concealed discomfort and worry. Regardless of his doubts, he still wanted to take Haru home, and that was enough to uncoil the pressure in his chest.

 

* * *

 

Makoto carried Haru’s bag of clothes, and Haru followed beside Makoto through the streets and train station. The silence lacked the familiar comfort it once had. Makoto remained the same, but he had also changed the most.

His gait, friendly smile, and nervous chuckle were exactly what Haru knew. But the way his shoulders pulled toward the ground and the tired, darker coloring to his eyes made Makoto look almost like a stranger. The tension that had eased with Makoto’s acceptance returned in full.

Haru slowed and stopped. Makoto’s steps paused and he looked back without questioning. He waited for Haru to explain.

“Can we stop for dinner ingredients?”

“Mm.” Makoto nodded and pointed up the street. “There’s a grocer not too far from the apartment.”

“I don’t have money.”

“Don’t worry. We’ll both benefit if Haru wants to cook dinner.”

Haru lowered his gaze and fell back into step with Makoto. Something else had changed in Makoto. The way he looked at Haru was foreign. Strange. And it carried a barely concealed pain Haru had never known. Five years would change anyone, but Makoto’s changes had been caused by Haru.

“It’ll be nice to eat dinner together again,” Makoto said in a voice almost too soft to reach above the sound of traffic. Haru glanced at him, felt the underlying edge of sentiment, and looked away.

“Yeah.”

 

* * *

Makoto shifted the bags into his other hand and unlocked the door to the ground level apartment. “I’ll put these in the kitchen.” He left his shoes and Haru in the entryway.

Haru hesitated in the unfamiliar space but turned and closed the door. He touched the broken chain, wondered if the neighborhood was safe, and slid the deadbolt. Toeing off his shoes, Haru noticed a pair of blue shoes placed neatly next to the edge of the step. They were too small to be Makoto’s, and a style Haru would wear, but were too new to be five years old and in Haru’s memory of his belongings.

“Haru, do you want something to drink?”

Haru left the entrance and followed Makoto’s voice into the kitchen. “Water.”

Makoto smiled. “Of course.” He got down a glass from a cabinet and filled it from the sink. Instead of handing it across the small distance between them, he set it on the counter. “I’d offer a tour, but there isn’t much.”

Haru had already noticed the apartment was smaller than the one he remembered sharing, but this one was closer to a train station and maybe more expensive. “It’s fine.”

“But there’s a full tub,” Makoto added with a chuckle. “There’s only one bedroom, so I’ll sleep out here tonight.” He gestured at the pass-through opening that joined the kitchen with the rest of the apartment. A TV, desk, and kotatsu filled the tidy space on the other side.

“We lived together in a single bedroom?”

“Ah.” Pink touched Makoto’s ears. “Yeah. Cost efficient.”

Haru knew when Makoto lied—even this lower energy version of Makoto was easy to read. He also remembered the thought that Makoto had something he needed to say the morning of the scan, and his own hopeful feelings of what it would be.

“We were lovers,” Haru stated. It would be useless to avoid the fact any longer.

Makoto showed no reaction to Haru’s words. Eventually he nodded. “If you don’t want to stay here—”

“I do.” Haru picked up the glass of water. Makoto had lived beyond Haru’s scan, but Haru was still the same he had been five years ago. He loved Makoto then and he still loved him now. Things were different. Unspoken once again. But Haru wanted to stay.

“I’m glad.”

“Thank you, Makoto.”

Makoto smiled again and this time it carried a little more light.

 

* * *

 

Haru opened the utensil drawer. He picked up the training chopsticks meant to help young children learn, and he wondered if someone Makoto knew had a child within the last five years. The western style forks and knives were oddly out of place as well. He returned the chopsticks and closed the drawer.

Makoto wandered back into the kitchen and offered Haru a smile. “It smells good.”

Haru nodded. Green curry. Makoto’s favorite. He couldn’t apologize for dying, but he could make a gesture for their first meal back together. Makoto looked thinner and less healthy than Haru remembered, and he’d found evidence that Makoto ate out too many nights in the garbage with a slightly burnt piece of mackerel.

_Two years._

Haru had left Makoto to suffer for two years.

“Haru?”

Haru looked up.

“I asked if you wanted these clothes washed.” Makoto held the department store bag. “You still have some in the closet and dresser here, so it might not be needed.”

“You kept my clothes?”

“What else would I do with them?”

Haru shook his head. “We can launder them later.”

“Okay.” Makoto left the kitchen’s doorway as silent as he had appeared. Haru turned back to the green curry and thought about his clothes and shoes—useless to Makoto—taking up space in a small apartment and of cooked mackerel thrown out with half-eaten convenience store packaged food. He clenched his teeth. He had hurt Makoto. Makoto had suffered because of him.

The pain in his chest came from anger and sorrow, and Haru had no idea how to repair it.

 

* * *

“What happened?” Haru asked after the silence grew too loud. They had moved to the kotatsu with dinner.

“Rei said we shouldn’t talk about what you don’t know.”

Haru settled an annoyed gaze onto Makoto. He didn’t blame him. Makoto would abide by most rules, but Haru didn’t understand why this one mattered.

“I think Rei is wrong,” Makoto said. “Keeping it from you will do more harm. You might feel better by knowing what you’ve missed.”

“Yeah.” Haru agreed. Even after two years apart Makoto understood what Haru had struggled to define.

“What do you want to know?” Makoto asked with his gaze on the bowls between them.

“My death.”

Makoto winced. Silence filled the room. Haru lowered his gaze, believing Makoto would chose to ignore the question.

“You were given eight to ten years,” Makoto spoke in almost a whisper. “But you got worse so much faster.” He shifted his gaze to the wall and swallowed. “Haru—you—held out until the end of November. I think by that time you were grateful—” He stopped short and looked at Haru. “It’s weird telling you about your own past.”

“It’s strange to hear.”

“You won’t get sick again, will you?”

Haru didn’t know. He hadn’t known the first time. “Nagisa said he removed the bad DNA or something.”

Makoto chuckled weakly. “That’s good.”

The silences that had once held a form of communication and comfort, now remained cold and blank. Makoto studied the food instead of Haru.

“Am I still myself?” Haru’s whisper brought Makoto’s gaze to him. His tired eyes widened then softened into a gentle frown of sympathy.

“I don’t know.”

Makoto’s honesty stung but Haru accepted it. “I don’t know” could change.

“I think you are,” Makoto added softer than before. “But I don’t want my hope to make you be something you aren’t.”

The cautious attitude was so like Makoto, but the denial of acceptance Haru needed was made so much harsher by it being from Makoto.

“I understand.”

Makoto inhaled sharply. “I’m sorry, Haru.”

He said Haru’s name wrong. The cadence made it feel different. The pain in Haru’s chest returned.

“I’m glad you’re back,” Makoto finished.

Haru nodded. “Me too.” He wasn’t entirely convinced by his lie.

 

* * *

 

The tension from Haru’s chest eventually bled out into the space between him and Makoto, thriving on Makoto’s unspoken words that Haru couldn’t read. Makoto was polite but distant. He offered no more information about the years Haru didn’t know of, and Haru stopped asking questions.

With dinner finished, Haru washed their dishes and Makoto set up the futon. The unspoken words became a quiet scream in the background. Haru wished for the right question to ask in order to clear the air.

With the final dish placed in the drying rack, Haru dried his hands and turned to leave. Makoto stood in the doorway wearing a tired expression that could no longer hide his pain.

Haru moved forward, stopping only after he had invaded Makoto’s space. Slowly, hesitantly, Makoto drew Haru into a stiff hug. Haru breathed out and leaned into Makoto. It was enough of acceptance to release the emotions Makoto had kept locked somewhere deep inside.

Makoto folded around him. “Haru,” he whispered and his strength seemed to evaporate. His knees buckled and he lowered to the floor, dragging Haru with him.

Stunned, Haru followed. To him they had only been apart one night, but the full weight of everything he knew pressed against his heart all at once. He hadn’t witnessed Makoto’s sorrow, but he felt it in every space around him. And it dragged deep, jagged cuts into his lungs and throat.

Haru took a breath that shook under the weight of realization of loss, and wrapped his arms around Makoto.

“Makoto.”

His name spoken by a ghost stiffened Makoto’s back. A moment later he relaxed and moved a hand into Haru’s hair.

“Are you real? Are you really here?”

“Yes.” By miracle or mistake, Haru had returned to Makoto. He pressed closer into Makoto’s warmth. He couldn’t remember ever hugging like this, but it felt right. It felt needed. By both Makoto and himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No cliffhanger this time. ;)
> 
> thanks for reading!


	5. Pieces of Proof

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru and Makoto talk some more, Rei-chan-too sympathizes with Haru's situation, and Sousuke tries to keep everything together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm greatly enjoying the existential crisis I'm giving myself through this fic lol. But really. Poor Haru baby. It'll slowly get better for him.

**Chapter Five**

After a warm bath, Haru dressed in his clothes from the dresser and said goodnight to Makoto who had recovered his plastic smile. In the bed large enough for two, he smelled the collar of his shirt and recognized the detergent. He rolled to his side and sniffed the clean bedding Makoto had insisted on changing. The smell was different. The soap had been switched.

Haru rolled onto his back and studied shadows on the ceiling. At some point, Makoto had shared the bed with Haru—not the Haru in it now, but a version of him. The original. He felt like himself, but Rei had mentioned his brain would ignore things in order to cope. If that coping mechanism failed, would Haru survive? Did he want to?

Rolling back to his side, he studied the closet doors and listened to the sounds of the apartment and neighborhood. He heard movement from the front room. Makoto was still awake. Haru stood and slid open the bedroom door.

Makoto noticed him and sat up. “Did I wake you? Sorry.”

“You didn’t.” Haru studied the pool of light from the window. It illuminated part of Makoto’s face. A face that was familiar but unfamiliar in just as many ways. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yes.”

“When did you—?” Haru stopped, unsure how to ask Makoto about his memories of a different Haru. One that he used to be. Makoto clearly understood the difference, because he had looked at him as if he held the secret to stopping a hemorrhaging heart, but he also looked at Haru the way a tourist studies a train map.

“The day of the scan,” Makoto answered the unspoken question. “I told Haru I loved him that night. I wanted to before he left—and maybe I should have, but I was nervous.”

Haru as he was now had only missed the confession by hours. “I had hoped you would that morning,” he admitted in a voice Makoto barely heard. “But the watch was enough.”

“You remember that?”

“For me, it only just happened.”

“Right.” Makoto turned his gaze to the glass door which led to a small covered porch area. Haru stood silently, mulling over the many questions he had about his own past but unable to find the right words. “The day Rei called and said he didn’t think he could help, I gave Haru—you a ring.” Makoto glanced at Haru with a weak smile. “It was rejected at first.”

“I knew I’d die.” _And leave you like this_.

“That never mattered.” Makoto turned his gaze once again to the glass. “A year or a minute—I would’ve taken anything he gave me.”

The Haru Makoto had known and loved was dead, and the remains of his life he had built around Haru lay scattered on every surface in his home. Makoto’s pain caused a sharp ache in Haru’s lungs, but the thought of not being enough for him hurt deeper.

“I’m happy you’re back, Haru,” Makoto whispered. “I just need time.”

Haru straightened and inhaled deeply. “Okay” He turned to leave.

“Haru.”

Haru looked back into hopeful green eyes. “Yes?”

“I had wished for you to come back, but I never thought you would.”

“I haven’t. I’m different.”

“You’re the Haru who held my hand as children whenever I was frightened, and the Haru who taught me how to tie my shoes.” His composure slipped for only a moment, but it was enough to weigh his next sentence with heartache. “But you’re not the Haru I used to kiss every morning.”

Haru swallowed. “No.”

“You’re the same, but you’re—” Makoto shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“Once you know, let me know.”

“I will.” Makoto looked up and smiled softly. “I’m sorry. This is probably hard on you. I just need time to decide on.” He shrugged. “Things.”

“I have a lot of time now.”

Makoto smiled again. “I’m glad you do.”

If Makoto decided he was still Haru, then he’d believe him. Until then, Haru couldn’t be sure of what he was. “Good night, Makoto.”

“Good night, Haru.”

 

* * *

 

A bang on the door woke Haru. For a disorienting moment it was five years earlier and he was in the apartment he shared with Makoto. But the alarm clock was positioned wrong and the window on the opposite wall.

“Oi, Makoto, open up!”

Rin’s shout pulled Haru back into the reality of the year and his situation. He stared at the space where the door hadn’t closed all the way, wondering whether or not he should get up and answer Rin’s call.

“Coming!” Makoto rushed by the gap. Haru heard the front door open and Makoto’s apology.

“It’s fine. Did you bathe last night? And eat dinner?” Rin’s questions held softness Haru hadn’t heard from him the day he woke in the future and faced Rin’s anger.

“Yes, Rin. I’m okay.”

“Good. Get dressed. I’ll start breakfast.”

Haru heard Rin and Makoto head into the kitchen and Makoto say, “You don’t have to, Rin. I’ll be fine today.”

“Get dressed, Makoto.” Rin’s firmness didn’t replace his softness. Haru sat up and watched the door. Rin cared. Even if Rin hated Haru, he still cared for his friends.

Makoto knocked on the door and entered with a smile. “Sorry if I woke you,” he whispered.

“You didn’t.”

“Do you want breakfast too?”

“You work today.”

“Yes. We’ll get you a taxi back to Pace. It’s in the opposite direction of my station.”

Haru didn’t want to go back. Even if the silence remained between them, it was better than the changes of how Rei and Nagisa looked and spoke to him. “Will I see you again?”

Makoto’s surprise softened into a warm smile. “Yes. After my shift.”

“Makoto, Sousuke’s here but he can’t find parking for the department car.” Rin slid the door open the rest of the way and froze. Makoto turned and Haru got to his feet. “What the hell is that thing doing here?”

“What thing?” Makoto asked. “You mean Haru?”

“That’s not Haru.” Rin’s voice lost its softness. Disdain and pain filled his expression. Haru took a step back out of reflex. It was so much worse than his anger in high school.

Makoto looked at Haru and back at Rin. “It’s a part of him, isn’t it?”

“You can’t be serious.”

“I think we should at least get to know—”

“No. Fuck this.” Rin left the doorway. He bumped into Sousuke on his way out of the apartment. Sousuke paused and watched his retreat.

Makoto stepped out of the bedroom. “Sousuke. Good morning.”

“Hey, Makoto.” Sousuke closed the front door and removed his uniform hat. “You look better today.” Haru joined Makoto in the hall, and Sousuke’s gaze fell onto him. “Oh. I guess that explains why.”

“I’ll cook breakfast,” Haru offered to avoid the implications behind Sousuke’s words.

“Thanks, Haru.” Makoto stepped out his way. “Should we go after Rin?” he asked Sousuke.

“Nah.” Sousuke removed his shoes. “Sometimes his anger is the ‘follow’ type, but this is a ‘leave alone’ type. He’ll be better on his own.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. You have work in an hour.”

“Oh! That’s right!” Makoto ducked back into the bedroom. “Thank you, Sousuke.”

Sousuke entered the hallway, pulled the bedroom door closed, and looked into the kitchen. Haru glanced up from the grocery bag left behind by Rin.

“Rin’s spoiling Makoto,” Haru said. “He brought squid.”

“It gets him to eat,” Sousuke replied. Haru frowned and focused on the bag. “Rin just needs time.”

Haru didn’t blame Rin for his anger. Haru was only a piece of the person Rin had known. When you miss something important, a fragment of it is an offensive consolation.

“Did you and Makoto...?” Sousuke nodded toward the bedroom door. “Uh.”

“We talked.” Haru opened a cabinet for a pan. “It was different than before.”

“It’s good he’s talking again. That’s improvement.”

The pressure against Haru’s ribs returned. “Yeah.”

“I’ll take you to Pace labs today. I’m assigned to car patrol.”

“Did Makoto and I take care of a child?”

Sousuke’s brow rose. The question seemed odd even for Haru’s standards. He then noticed the pair of chopsticks in Haru’s grasp. Created for hands unfamiliar or unable to handle chopsticks, they were made easy to use by a connection at one end.

“Those were yours.”

Haru lowered them but still watched him for explanation.

“You remember being sick?” he asked and Haru nodded. “You got worse.”

Haru looked at the chopsticks, dropped them in the drawer, and closed it with more force than intended. “How much worse?”

Sousuke crossed his arms and looked over his shoulder, checking for Makoto. “What does it matter? You’re not sick now, and you’re not that Haru anymore.”

“I’m—” Haru frowned. Even Sousuke thought he wasn’t himself.

“You get a different path this time. Don’t let the last one change this one.”

Haru looked at Sousuke, surprised by the advice.

“I don’t fully understand Rei’s scan,” Sousuke continued. “But I do understand that you’re Haru from a point in time, so don’t let a past you don’t have influence a future you do have.”

“Everyone else has that past.”

“Everyone else can accept that things are now different.” Sousuke left the doorway. Haru studied the empty space and listened to him check on Makoto. Sousuke was right, but everything looked easy from outside of the situation.

 

* * *

 

“Good morning, Haruka-senpai,” Rei-chan-too greeted Haru when he entered the lab behind Rei.

“I told him of your request, Haruka-san, but he said it doesn’t apply to him,” Rei explained, moving into his office.

Haru studied the static image of Rei on the nearest computer monitor. Rei-chan-too referred to Nagisa differently as well.

“As a computerized version of a human, I don’t age, so Haruka-senpai is still my elder.” Rei-chan-too’s image moved to the monitor nearest to Rei.

“That’s irrelevant if he wishes you to use a different honorific,” Rei argued.

“Very well. I’ll use Nanase-san. If I must. However, it seems ridiculous to change.”

“He’s being dramatic,” Rei said to Haru. “I apologize for—well, myself.”

“I’m incapable of such emotional displays such as ‘being dramatic,’” Rei-chan-too defended before Haru could reply.

“You’re capable,” Rei muttered.

“There’s fresh coffee and tea in the break room, Nanase-san. And 72 emails that need your attention, Dr. Ryugazaki.”

Rei sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Where’s Nagisa-kun?”

“Dr. Hazuki is in the elevator on his way to a meeting about a lung. Would you like me to send him a message on your behalf?”

“No. It’s fine.”

“You have a financial meeting at 8:15.”

Rei checked the time and turned to Haru. “I’m sorry, Haruka-san.”

“It’s fine.” Haru hadn’t recovered from the fast pace of conversation between Rei and himself—or at least a version of himself. They seemed different enough to be considered unrelated, but Rei-chan-too had once been Rei.

“I won’t be long.” Rei promised and left the lab.

Haru turned around in the open space. It was lonely with just the hum of electronics.

“Nanase-san, how are you handling the change?”

Haru lowered his gaze to the monitor with Rei’s image. He realized he wasn’t alone as long as Rei-chan-too occupied the computer system. “Fine.”

“I know the transition isn’t easy.” His voice lowered. “You can speak honestly. I won’t share anything with Dr. Ryugazaki you wish to remain private.”

“You are Ryugazaki.”

“I’m not. I used to be. But we’re no longer the same.”

“When you woke up, you were Rei.”

“Y-yes. That’s true. However, I’ve changed in the four years I’ve lived in this form.”

Haru shuffled to the nearest desk and sat down. The monitor in front of him lit up with Rei’s image. “Will I be different too?” he asked.

“That’s not an easy answer.” Rei-chan-too paused. The hum of computers punctuated his silence. “People change and grow throughout their lives. You will be different, Nanase-san, because your experiences from today forward will be different from before. Does that make sense?”

“Not really.”

“Do you remember the advice you gave me when I first joined the swim team?”

Haru shook his head, wondered if Rei-chan-too could even see him, and spoke his reply. “No.”

“It wasn’t very practical, really, but I think I just didn’t understand it at the time. I’ve thought a lot about it now that all I do is think.”

“I told you to feel the water.”

“Yes. I understand now that you wanted me to stop overthinking things. I was never someone who could stop analyzing facts, so the advice struck a chord I couldn’t hear until much later in life.”

“You remember high school?”

“Yes. Until the brain scan, I share a common experience with the Rei you know. I am him up until the point he copied himself. When I began life anew, I branched away from him. Everything in an individual’s life shapes who they are. For the past four years I have experienced stimuli that greatly differs from what Dr. Ryugazaki has. We no longer share a common experience, so we are no longer the same despite many years we shared.”

Haru understood. It was complicated and made his head hurt, but he could see the different paths. “Do you like living in a computer?”

“I didn’t at first, but now I think I prefer it. The human body has many flaws.”

“Are you lonely?”

Silence stretched out until Haru believed Rei-chan-too had chosen to ignore the question.

“I cannot feel emotions as strongly in this form as I had in my physical form,” Rei-chan-too answered with a faltering hesitance. “I imagine if I had the same emotional range, loneliness would become a problem.”

“Yeah.” Haru crossed his arms on the desk and gripped his elbows. Loneliness would become a problem.

“I’ve always admired you, Haruka-senpai,” Rei-chan-too’s voice softened from the computer speaker. “You had determination and resolve I didn’t believe I had. I know whatever you’re feeling now will pass. You’ll overcome this too.”

Haru accepted the opinion with a weak smile and rested his forehead on his arms.

 

* * *

 

Sousuke arrived at Pace Laboratories after seven that night still dressed in his uniform. Nagisa ushered Haru down stairs into the lobby and promised to meet him the next morning. He fluttered away with a burst of energy that died before he reached the elevator.

“I wanted to go to Makoto’s,” Haru complained.

Sousuke’s neutral scowl deepened into true annoyance. “Hello to you too.” He opened the door and Haru followed him outside. The sticky summer air wrapped around them. “Makoto didn’t have time to get you. I work between here and his apartment.”

“I could return on my own.”

“You’re capable of it, but we’re following Rei’s precautions until he forgets about them. At least the ones he’ll know about.”

“Precautions?”

“We can’t have a dead man roaming the streets. Legal issues.”

“Legal issues about my existence?”

Sousuke glanced at him. “I wonder if there’s a law about growing an entire human body. Seems illegal.”

“Rei wouldn’t break laws on my behalf.”

“Yeah. I doubt it too, but Rei doesn’t want your origin to be discovered, so we won’t tell any other police officers sworn to uphold the law.”

Haru clenched his fists. He believed Sousuke was purposely riling him up, but this Sousuke he couldn’t read as easily. The Sousuke he knew had been younger and hadn’t developed his stoic act quite so well.

“I’m kidding,” Sousuke said. His scowl faded a bit. “Other than that, Rei worries about how you’re handling your new life.”

Haru studied the traffic to avoid Sousuke’s observation of him. “Did Makoto want me back tonight?”

“Yes. He asked me to pick you up.”

“Then I’m handling it fine.”

Sousuke chuckled. “Just that simple?”

“Yeah.”

 

* * *

  

The apartment smelled like food when they arrived. Sousuke opened the door and Makoto rushed down the hall toward them.

“Sousuke, Haru.”

Haru’s name sounded lighter than before. It tugged at Haru’s chest.

“I found a kitten at work today. He was so cute. I wanted to show you, Haru.”

Haru nodded, pushed off balanced by the sunshine smile Makoto wore. The contrast from just that morning was staggering.

“I took a photo.” Makoto headed back the way he came, motioning for Haru to follow.

“Whoa,” Sousuke murmured.

“What?”

“I haven’t seen Makoto smile like that in—I don’t know.”

“Since I died?” It had gotten easier to say.

“No. Before you died.”

“Ah.” It hadn’t gotten easier to hear.

Haru slipped out of his shoes and followed Makoto into the light from the living room. Sousuke looked up at the burned-out bulb in the entrance and remembered Rin had said he’d take care of it. He just couldn’t recall how long ago that promise had been made. Not that it mattered anymore. They had grown used to the dark.

Sousuke untied and pulled off his shoes, placing them beside Haru’s. He stopped at the kitchen’s entrance and observed Rin chop a carrot more aggressively than needed.

“What did the carrot do?” Sousuke asked.

Rin looked up from the cutting board with a glare that erased Sousuke’s attempt at humor.

“Why did you bring it here?”

Sousuke glanced up at the opening into the living room, checking if Makoto or Haru had heard. Neither seemed to know they weren’t alone.

“Haru’s here because Makoto called Rei and requested him. Rei then called me at the station and arranged a chaperone because the only available person said no.”

“I was busy.”

“No need to lie to me. I know why you declined.”

“He isn’t Haru. Makoto says he is, but he _can’t_ be.”

“Makoto as he is now is a poor judge of what’s real or not, but I agree with him.”

Rin glowered. Sousuke watched the knife in his grip. “Why?”

“I won’t question science. And he acts like Haru.” Sousuke nodded toward the kitchen opening. Makoto stood beside Haru, showing him pictures on his phone. “Look at them. Even if he isn’t physically the one we knew, he’s still Haru.”

Rin looked over with reluctance. Makoto smiled and blushed at the embarrassingly large quantity of cat photos he had taken in a single day, and Haru’s attention flickered back to Makoto’s face again and again. He watched Makoto as if he was the only light in a dark cave. Salvation among the hopelessness.

It was the same look Haru had often worn for Makoto when he thought no one could see, but now it was dialed up a few notches. If Makoto noticed, he ignored it. But Rin knew from the past that Makoto noticed and let Haru believe he didn’t so the expression would last.

Rin glared at the knife and cutting board in front of him. “That means nothing.”

“You haven’t even talked to him.”

“I did. The first night.”

“You barked. He reeled.”

Rin scoffed. “I do not bark.”

“I’m not asking you to be friends, but for Makoto’s sake, be friendly.”

“This isn’t what Makoto needed. This is worse than keeping Haru’s clothes.”

“Rei and Nagisa didn’t do this to help Makoto cope.”

“Then why did they do it?”

Sousuke understood Rin’s feelings, but he hadn’t expected him to be so blinded by his anger that he’d not see the obvious reason. “They missed him too.”

Rin’s jaw relaxed. His expression softened for a moment before he turned back to dinner preparation.

“Rin—”

“A computer chip isn’t good enough.”

Sousuke nodded and left Rin alone.

 

* * *

 

Haru’s interest of the tabby kitten Makoto had found and the station lasted through the multiple images that time-lined the events from that day in reverse. When the kitten photos ended, the picture that came up froze the air in Haru’s lungs.

Makoto lowered the phone. “My neighbor has a cat,” he said. If he had noticed Haru’s reaction, he covered it better than normal. “Let me see if she’s outside. She’s really friendly.” He handed Haru his phone and left through the back door.

Haru looked at the image still on the screen. He stared at himself, but it was all wrong. He was older. Tired. Pale. But smiling. Makoto pressed against his side so the two could fit in the frame. Makoto was also different. Brighter. Livelier.

He checked the information of the photo and found the date. November 17, 2022. The month and year Haru died. He was relieved he had at least survived through Makoto’s birthday, but the twinge of heartache cut deep.

“Don’t look at that.” Sousuke covered the screen with his palm and took the phone.

“Why not?”

“It isn’t you.”

Irritation and anger swallowed Haru’s sorrow. Regardless of whether or not he was _that_ Haru, he was _still_ _Haru_. He had to be. There was no one else he could be.

“This is you.” Sousuke handed back the phone, displaying a different photo. One Haru recognized and remembered the date of when it was taken.

Haru’s anger toward Sousuke subsided as he studied the group shot taken by Gou in 2019. The unofficial team reunion with both Iwatobi and Samezuka had taken place on Rin’s birthday months before Haru’s brain scan. The image pulled a memory and tugged at Haru’s emotions in a way reminiscing never had before.

“How are you so sure this is me?”

“Just my opinion.” Sousuke lowered to the floor with a grunt. “You don’t have to agree with anything I think.”

Makoto returned with an apologetic frown. “Sorry, Haru. The cat must be inside.”

Haru studied Makoto close the door and adjust the curtain. Sousuke’s opinion mattered less to Haru than Makoto’s, but he had a point. Haru could bring up the picture of Rin’s party and recall Nagisa drank too much that night, and when Rei tried to carry him to a taxi cab, he squirmed so much Sousuke took over the task and manhandled him into the backseat. Nagisa knocked him in his jaw for his efforts.

He had memories of his friends. It was enough to prove he existed. He was the Haru Makoto fell in love with.

“I’ll see it later.” Haru set the phone on the kotatsu in front of Sousuke. He caught Sousuke’s gaze and whispered, “Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Happy holidays~ I'll try to update again before New Years! MakoHaru game gets stronger soon. ;)


	6. Not the Same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto asks a lot of questions and finds his answer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 2016! Sorry for the delay. I was super busy with holidays and feeling discouraged creatively due to stress, but I am back now and I hope to have 7 out sooner. No promises though lol.
> 
> Thanks for clicking in to read the update! And a big thanks again to EggDropSoup for the beta read~

**Chapter 6**

Memories cloud over time, and sorrow casts a haze over life. For almost two years Makoto saw the world through a fog he couldn’t clear as his memories slowly started to darken like a photograph left in the summer sun.

But for the first time since his birthday two years prior, Makoto didn’t think the light bulbs in his tiny apartment to be too dim. Haru had brought back clarity to his world. Even if he wasn’t _his_ Haru, the effect of his presence had erased some of the fog from Makoto’s eyesight.

“What did you do at the lab today, Haru?” Makoto asked during dinner around the kotatsu. Haru looked up, surprised to have been spoke to over Rin and Sousuke’s bickering about the summer heat.

“Nagisa had me observe tissue samples.”

“Tissue?”

“To report movement.”

“Movement?” Makoto regretted his interest. He knew what sort of samples Nagisa would have in his lab.

“Sounds like he just wanted to keep you busy,” Rin said into his glass of water.

“He did.” Haru lowered his gaze back to the pork cutlet and sweet carrots Rin had prepared for dinner. “I can’t do anything there. Everything is too complicated.”

“Rei and Nagisa are really smart,” Makoto said.

“I never thought I’d consider Nagisa smart. He could never study properly.” Rin moved another piece of pork onto Makoto’s plate. Makoto pretended he didn’t see, but he feared he wouldn’t be able to finish everything.

“I guess we all changed,” Sousuke added.

Rin glanced in Haru’s direction but looked away before he noticed. “Yeah.”

“Anyway, maybe you’ll be able to help in other areas soon,” Makoto spoke to Haru but kept his gaze trained onto the chopsticks in Haru’s hand, expecting something he knew would never happen again.

“It doesn’t bother me.” Haru took a slice of carrot from his bowl with practiced ease. No tremors. No frustration.

“Maybe it should,” Rin muttered. “What good are you if you’re not even useful there?”

Haru’s cringe at the sweet carrot probably had nothing to do with the taste.

“Rin,” Sousuke warned. The single word would often diffuse Rin, but this time he bristled at Sousuke’s interference.

“What? He’s not even a person.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Nagisa grew him in a tube or some shit. Just because he’s wearing a dead man’s face doesn’t make him a person.”

“Stop it.” Sousuke’s voice raised just enough to cause Makoto to flinch and Rin to deepen his glare. “Not here. Not now.”

Rin held Sousuke’s gaze. The palpable tension threatened to burst into a fight. Makoto could trace the root of Sousuke’s diminishing patience and their strained relationship to himself prior to Haru’s return, but his own grief hadn’t allowed him to possess the ability to curb the damage or minimize any fallout.

“Fine.” Rin ended the stare down and picked up his water.

“I want to take a bath,” Haru announced.

“You haven’t finished dinner,” Makoto observed.

“This was enough. Thank you.” Haru left the group with quiet and graceful movements Makoto could just barely remember had been his traits prior to his sickness.

“Leave him some on a plate in the fridge,” Sousuke told Makoto. “He didn’t eat enough.”

“Oh. Right.” Makoto studied the small amount missing from his portion and understood Haru had decided to leave in order to ease Rin’s hostility.

“You didn’t fuck him last night, did you?” Rin asked in a hushed tone.

Makoto’s eyes widened. “What? No.”

“Just wanted to be sure.” Rin shrugged. Sousuke sighed but said nothing against Rin’s invasive and tactless question. “Do you think he’s Haru?”

“I don’t know,” Makoto whispered. “He acts like a version of Haru I remember. He was different by the end.”

Rin’s frown soured at the memory. “Yeah.”

“I know Haru’s dead,” Makoto continued. “But maybe it is possible to bring someone back.”

“It isn’t.” Rin’s tone left no room for argument. “He’s not as human as we are, so he can’t really be Haru.”

“Hm.” Makoto studied the table. Rin had valid opinions, but Makoto hadn’t decided for himself about Haru and whether or not his consciousness in a different body meant he was the same Haru Makoto had given his heart to.

“I think he’s Haru,” Sousuke declared. “He has his brain. That’s all that matters.”

Rin scoffed, but shoved a piece of cutlet in his mouth to prevent himself from fighting further. Makoto offered Sousuke a smile and said, “It’s good you’ve decided.”

Sousuke shook his head. “It wasn’t a decision. It just is.”

 

* * *

 

With plates empty, Sousuke decided he and Rin needed to leave. Rin put up a feeble argument, but agreed when he remembered his early schedule for the next morning.

“We should at least clean the kitchen,” Rin told Sousuke at the door. Sousuke had already tied his shoes and looked back with weariness.

“It’s fine,” Makoto said before Sousuke could agree. “I don’t mind cleaning up.”

Rin studied Makoto a moment before turning his gaze onto Sousuke who shared his look of mild disbelief with a hint of something that wasn’t completely hope, but near enough. It made Makoto step back and lower his gaze. He hadn’t been the easiest person to be around since Haru’s death, and he couldn’t remember the last time he washed dishes, but he could remember everything the two had done for him.

An apology sat on his tongue, but the words would be too little.

“Okay. And make sure you get some sleep,” Rin said. “You look better today, but you’re already wilting, and it’s not even ten.”

“I promise.” Makoto felt like a child seeing his parents off for an evening spent alone, but he had earned that role through grief he had allowed to halt his life.

“Don’t let that replacement in your tub do anything weird,” Rin warned.

Sousuke jerked open the door. “Let’s go.”

_Replacement._

“Good night, Makoto.” Sousuke stepped outside first. Rin followed after another glance toward the bathroom door.

“Good night.” Makoto closed the door and rested his forehead against it.

_Replacement._

Is that was Rin believed Haru was? If Haru truly wasn’t Haru, then it would make sense he’d be a replacement for the one lost. However, if Haru _was_ Haru, then the term “replacement” would be incorrect.

Behind him the bathroom door opened. Makoto turned and watched as Haru cautiously entered the hallway like a skittish cat after strange company leaves.

“I’ll clean the kitchen,” he said.

Dressed in clothes from the dresser, Makoto could easily believe Haru never died. He could convince himself that Haru never left. He could pretend the last two years had been nothing but a nightmare.

But that wouldn’t be fair to Haru’s memory.

“Okay. There’s also food left for you.” Makoto rubbed his eyes. He had spent the last two years feeling tired but being unable to sleep. Now he felt as if he could sleep for days.

“Take a bath and go to bed.”

Makoto looked up with just enough time to catch a glimpse of Haru disappearing into the kitchen.

Regardless of this Haru being a replacement or genuine, he had freed Makoto from a darkness he had needed to escape but couldn’t find his way.

 

* * *

 

After his bath, Makoto returned to find Haru had rolled out the futon in the front room and occupied it. “Haru?” Haru looked up but offered no explanation. “You don’t have to sleep out here.”

Haru glanced toward the bedroom door and shook his head. “That bed’s different.”

Makoto had shared the bed with Haru, but not this Haru. Of course it would feel wrong to sleep in it. “Okay, then. Good night, Haru.”

“Good night, Makoto.” Haru rolled to his side, facing Makoto. Makoto studied him a moment longer and turned off the light.

Makoto went to his bed, smelled Haru on the sheets once again, and felt the sting of tears. He changed the pillow case, curled up in the center of the bed, and fell asleep with an ache in his heart that he suspected would never lessen.

 

* * *

 

Haru studied Makoto’s sleeping form bathed in morning light. He still slept on his side, but now both hands were tucked close to his chest. “Makoto,” Haru spoke louder, hoping to stir him without touch. When his breathing remained even and steady, Haru leaned down and shook him gently by his shoulder.

Makoto shifted but didn’t wake. Haru frowned. Makoto had been a deep sleeper before, but Haru had seen the dark circles under his eyes and assumed the trait had changed. He glanced down to where the sheet exposed his legs and placed two fingers against the backside of Makoto’s knee. The soft fabric of his pajamas let him tickle just enough to stir Makoto from sleep, but not enough to feel warmth from the sensitive skin.

Makoto squirmed and a chuckle rose up from his chest. Haru smiled at the sound and pressed his fingers into the ticklish area, chasing Makoto’s laughter he hadn’t realized he had missed.

In the space between dreams and waking, Makoto found himself in a murky memory of a happier time. “Har—” but his mind fully woke into reality and his laughter died.

Makoto jerked away from Haru’s touch and escaped to the other side of the bed. Haru let his hand fall slack at his side. Fear had returned to Makoto’s green eyes that had regained some of their previous vibrancy.

Despite his shock and Haru’s new body, Makoto could still read him as if they were still in high school. Regret, embarrassment, and pain mixed behind his blue eyes and blank stare. A part of Makoto wanted to break the silence, apologize, and hug him. But another part was still undecided about whether or not this Haru was really Haru.

“I—” Makoto began.

“I’ll start breakfast.” Haru retreated from the room without hurry.

Makoto relaxed and touched the back of his knee. He slogged through his memories to pinpoint just when Haru had started a certain morning ritual. Grief and time made it difficult, but he traced it as far back as he could.

Calmer, he stood and joined Haru in the kitchen. “What made you do that?” he asked.

Haru kept his gaze trained at the contents inside the fridge. “I don’t know.”

“It’s fine. I’m not upset. But it’s important you tell me.”

Haru closed the door and faced Makoto. “I remembered you were ticklish there when we were young. You wouldn’t wake up, so I thought—” He shook his head. “It worked.”

“Yeah.” Makoto swallowed. “Haru used to wake me that way. Then he’d leave a kiss—” Makoto touched the back of his neck, leaving the rest of his thought unspoken. “At least on the mornings he knew who I was.”

“Oh.” Haru looked away. Further embarrassment filtered into his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Makoto took a breath. So many of his cherished memories included Haru, but this Haru didn’t share them. “He didn’t start it until after. Um.” He twisted the ring around his finger. “Later,” he finished. “So I was just surprised you knew.”

“I didn’t know.”

Makoto studied Haru’s face, trying to recall the one he had watched fall asleep every night. It no longer mattered how he appeared, the copied consciousness lived hidden inside a computer chip. A part of Haru. But what if it was more than just a piece left behind?

“Maybe you thought of it because you’re really Haru?”

Haru looked away. “Maybe.”

“Hm.” Sorrow rose to Makoto’s throat in response to his question. Haru was Haru. There was no alternative.

Rin’s familiar pounding on the door interrupted Makoto’s thoughts on the matter, and Sousuke’s voice traveled in from the hallway. Makoto didn’t need to hear his words to know he had complained about Rin’s loudness so early in the morning.

“Do they come every day?” Haru asked.

“Yes. Excuse me.” Makoto left Haru’s unspoken question of why untouched.

 

* * *

 

Sousuke rinsed the breakfast dishes Makoto washed. It was a tight squeeze with both in the kitchen, but Sousuke had insisted on it. From their vantage point, they could see Rin and Haru actively avoiding eye contact with each other in the front room.

“Are you certain a brain is all that matters?” Makoto asked quietly, allowing the running water to drown out his question before it could reach Haru or Rin.

“Yeah.” Sousuke let the water continue.

“What about a heart?”

“People get pacemakers or heart replacements and no one has questioned if they’re the same person.”

Makoto focused on the last bowl. “If it was Rin instead of Haru, would you think the same?”

Sousuke inclined his head and his scowl deepened. “My answer wouldn’t change. I wasn’t as close to Haru as you were, so it’s easier for me to accept what happened. Rin said I’m not thinking enough about it, but maybe you and he _are_ thinking too much.”

“But—”

“The brain might be the thing that matters, but Rin goes on and on about how his heart makes decisions, so let yours make this one about Haru.”

Makoto swallowed. His heart refused to let go of the past, and trusting a broken heart to decide on the present seemed too risky. “Does Rin hate him?”

“Did you sleep last night?”

“Yes.”

“Then don’t worry about Rin. He’ll come around.” Sousuke turned off the faucet and dried his hands. “Today’s your day off. What are your plans?”

“Laundry.” Makoto ignored how Sousuke’s brow rose in surprise and mild disbelief. “I want to see Rei too.”

 

* * *

 

Makoto accompanied Haru back to Pace Laboratories where Nagisa fetched them from the lobby. On the 30th floor, he linked his arm through Haru’s and whisked him away, leaving Makoto to venture by himself down the hall to where he’d find Rei.

“Good morning, Makoto-senpai.”

Makoto paused at the sound of Rei’s voice through an unseen speaker. “Uh. Hello, Rei-chan-too.” The computerized copy had seemed odd to him once, but with Haru sleeping in his apartment, he’d need to change how he viewed Rei’s copy.

“Ah, Makoto-senpai.” Rei came out of his office. “Rei-chan-too said you were on your way up with Nagisa-kun and Haruka-san.”

“Nagisa took Haru to—uh.”

“To Dr. Hazuki’s office,” Rei-chan-too supplied. “He wants to show Nanase-san an update on tissue samples.”

Rei grimaced but cleared his throat and smiled at Makoto. “You said you wanted to speak with me.” He referenced Makoto’s earlier text message. “Is this about Haruka-san?”

“Yes.” Makoto glanced at the static image of Rei displayed on a computer monitor. As much as he wanted to accept Rei’s copy, he still wished to have their discussion in private.

“Come into my office. Rei-chan-too won’t interrupt us unless there’s an emergency.”

“Okay.” Makoto followed Rei into his office. Rei cleared paperwork from a chair and offered it to Makoto. “Thanks.”

“I hope things are going well with Haruka-san.”

Makoto nodded. “It’s fine.”

“I’m sorry about how you found out. I wanted to tell you before you saw him. It would’ve been less of a shock.” Rei touched the side of his glasses. “For both of you.”

“It’s okay, Rei. I would’ve been shocked anyway.”

“Is Haruka-san doing well in the new environment?”

Makoto frowned at the odd phrasing. “He seems to be fine at home. He was better last night than the night before.”

“Good. I don’t imagine Rin-san has changed his opinion.”

“He hasn’t,” Makoto said and Rei sighed. The answer bothered him. Makoto got to the reason for his visit before Rei could ask further questions about Rin. “You said Haru is a copy of himself from the brain scan five years ago.”

“That’s correct.”

“And the scan is a copy of everything that made Haru himself?”

“Yes.” Rei smiled with pride. Makoto realized it had been a few years since he had seen that expression on Rei. “My procedure has still yet been replicated. It copies who and what a person is. Why do you ask?”

“Can a copy of a person change?”

Rei leaned back in his chair and regarded Makoto’s question with cautious curiosity. “Has Haruka-san done something you believe he wouldn’t have?”

“No. No, that’s not it.” Makoto looked toward the closed door and thought back to that morning. “He did something Haru used to do, but it was something he hadn’t done until after his brain scan.”

“Ah. So Haruka-san is exhibiting characteristics of his older self.”

“Um. Yes?”

“That’s fascinating.” Rei sat up with a smile. “Haruka-san will be different, but he shares a past with the Haruka-senpai we lost, so I’m not surprised he’s acting like his original this early in the process.”

“What process?”

“Er. He’s still adapting to the new body and understanding of his situation—not to mention to the world that doesn’t seem different to you and I, but five years went by in a second for him. Acceptance is a process. It won’t happen overnight.”

“Of course.” Makoto nodded. They had gotten off track. “If Haru’s copy from five years ago is doing things that the Haru from four years ago did, does that mean he’s really Haru?”

“Well. He’s Haruka-senpai’s consciousness, Makoto-senpai, but he isn’t that Haruka-senpai in mind and body. If that makes sense.”

Nothing made much sense anymore. If Makoto had had a more active imagination, he would’ve feared his grief had made him hallucinate the entire thing. It still seemed possible.

“He’s a divergent from the original,” Rei continued. “Human emotions and thoughts aren’t as easily explained as lesser evolved things, but if the scan had been placed in a body five years ago, he would mature differently than the original even back then.”

None of that really mattered to Makoto. He just needed one answer. “But is he Haru? _Really_ Haru.”

Rei adjusted his glasses and smiled. “I think that’s something you have to decide for yourself, Makoto-senpai.”

Makoto glanced at the nearest computer screen and thought about Rei-chan-too. “Is your copy you?”

“In simplest terms, yes.”

“Is he human?”

Rei reflected on the question a moment and nodded. “Yes. He doesn’t believe he is, but being able to deliberate on one’s own existence is a human trait. I view him as a human who has evolved to live in a computer space. The government would not agree, and most others see him as an artificial intelligence program. But ultimately, my opinion is my own regardless of laws or Rin-san’s dislike of it.”

“Is he you?”

“Yes.” No hesitance. “He’s entirely me, and when I die, Rei-chan-too will live on in my absence as a version of myself.”

Makoto nodded and swallowed against the lump in his throat. Rei was still alive, so the situation wasn’t exactly the same. “What about the memory of Haru?”

“Haruka-senpai’s memories were transferred—”

“No. I meant, is it fair to Haru if we replace him with a copy?”

Rei blinked, surprised by the question. He smiled softly and shook his head. “Haruka-san isn’t a replacement for Haruka-senpai. He is a continuation of the original. I don’t believe this damages anything we hold dear about our experiences with Haruka-senpai.”

“A continuation from five years ago?”

“Yes. Haruka-senpai’s life is continuing after jumping ahead five years.”

“Does any of this erase the past we had with Haru in his final years?”

“I don’t believe anything can erase cherished memories. Do you think it’s necessary to forget the past in order to move forward?”

Makoto felt his anxiety lessen. It was such a simple answer. “No.”

“Makoto-senpai, do you want Haruka-san to stay with me and Nagisa-kun? I don’t wish to pressure you into accepting him if you’re not ready.”

Makoto smiled. “There isn’t any pressure. Thank you, Rei, but I’m fine with Haru staying with me.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. And I’d like to take him home now, if that’s okay.”

 

* * *

 

Under Rei-chan-too’s instruction, Makoto found Nagisa’s office. He paused in the open door and watched Nagisa and Haru at a microscope connected to the computer monitor. Nagisa’s smile had returned in earnest as he pointed to the screen. Haru studied the sample with genuine interest and curiosity.

Makoto had missed the way Haru’s eyes narrowed the slightest bit when he concentrated, only to widen when a friend held his attention. Each time Nagisa spoke, Haru looked at him with the same softness in his gaze from their beginnings at Iwatobi Swim Club.

“Ah! Mako-chan.” Nagisa noticed their audience and waved. “Haru-chan is going to be a scientist.”

“Is everything okay?” Haru asked. Worry touched his brow. Makoto smiled and nodded.

“Everything’s fine. Are you ready to go?”

“Aw. Are you leaving already?” Nagisa leaned against the table. “We have ten more samples to extract from.”

“Extract?” Makoto didn’t want to know. “Sorry, Nagisa. Haru will be back tomorrow.”

“Fine.” Nagisa stood and straightened. “I hope you brought an umbrella.”

 

* * *

 

Makoto paused under the train station’s awning which offered some protection from the sudden rain. “So that’s what Nagisa had meant.”

“You didn’t check the weather report?”

“I didn’t.”

If Haru thought it unlike Makoto to be so careless, he didn’t say so. Under regular circumstances, Makoto prepared better before leaving the apartment. At least he had back when he still knew what it felt like to care. Numbness had settled in after Haru’s death, and its protective cocoon had dulled even unpleasant walks in the rain.

Makoto looked at Haru and wasn’t surprised to find him studying the rainfall with more interest than the other pedestrians.

“I have an answer for you,” Makoto said and drew Haru’s attention. “You asked me to tell you once I knew.”

“About me?”

“Yes.”

Haru nodded once and waited with his eyes trained onto Makoto. The feeling of Haru’s gaze on him was familiar. Emotions pressed against his lungs and made it hard to breathe. He had missed so many things he had taken for granted. Even down to how it felt to have Haru’s attention.

“You’re not the same Haru I said goodbye to,” Makoto started softly, hoping the rain wouldn’t drown out his words. “And the years we had together after the brain scan can’t be erased.”

“I know.” Haru looked toward the summer rain again.

“But you’re still Haru.”

Haru turned his head, and Makoto caught the surprise and relief a moment before it faded into uncertainty.

“I have so many memories from three years that you don’t share,” Makoto continued. “I thought I would have to give those up, but I can’t get rid of the past even if I wanted to, and you can’t remember the years you didn’t live. I loved Haru. I loved Haru years before I told him. He said he had known all along, so you must know today as much as you knew in high school.”

“Yeah,” Haru’s whisper was lost to the patter of rain. “I knew.”

“I don’t want to pick up where Haru and I left off. You’re Haru as much as he was Haru, but you’re your own person. You don’t have to make the same choices he did, which includes a relationship with me. I’m fine being friends. I might even prefer it.” Haru or not, Makoto couldn’t picture himself moving on just yet.

“You see me as the same person?”

“Yes. And no. You’re Haru, but five years younger. You time traveled. That might be the way to look at it.” Makoto chuckled. It sounded ridiculous, but the situation itself was ridiculous. “This is all very complicated, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“No one else has to worry about this.”

“No.”

“But to me, you’re Haru. That’s my answer.”

Haru blew out a breath and raised his gaze to the sky. Makoto could almost reach out and touch his relief. Makoto smiled. Rin was wrong. This Haru wasn’t a replacement.

“I’m glad you’re home, Haru.”

Haru returned Makoto’s smile, smaller than his, but no less bright. “Thank you, Makoto.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that that's settled, I suspect the rating will be adjusted within the next few chapters (if my outline holds out).
> 
> Thank you for reading~!!


	7. Familiar Comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makot and Haru take small steps, Rin struggles To accept Haru, and Sousuke tries to hold everything together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate all my returning and new readers. Thank you so much! I'm very happy people seem to be enjoying it. :)
> 
> big thanks to my beta, Nicole~ <3

**Chapter 7**

Makoto finished his bath and walked into the living room just to find it empty and dark. “Haru?” For a fleeting moment, he panicked and believed he truly had hallucinated everything, but the feeling subsided when he entered his bedroom where Haru had laid out the futon.

Haru looked up at him with a question in his gaze.

“Are you sure this is okay for you?” Makoto asked. “It’s a little cramped with the bed.”

Haru surveyed the space. With the futon between the bed and closet, the only available path was at the foot of the bed. “It’s fine.”

Makoto agreed with a smile. “Okay.” He slid the door closed and climbed into bed from the bottom. He adjusted the sheet and looked at Haru for permission to turn off the lamp. “Good night, Haru.”

“Good night.”

Makoto switched off the light and settled into bed. After a moment he opened his eyes and stared into the darkness. “We used to do this a lot,” he said.

“Yeah.”

It had been a long time since he had last heard Haru’s breath at night, and he had believed he’d never again listen to someone breathe as he fell asleep. Emotion wrapped around his lungs and restricted air.

“Haru?” he whispered and heard Haru shift.

“It’s okay, Makoto. Go to sleep.”

Makoto inhaled deeply and smiled. The reassurance that Haru was within reach made the darkness seem brighter. He closed his eyes, focused on Haru’s presence, and fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

Makoto woke before his alarm and saw Haru at the window, looking into the yard. In his sleep-fogged mind, he didn’t believe it and turned his face into his pillow. It wouldn’t be the first time he imagined Haru had never left.

“Good morning,” Haru spoke and cleared the haze in Makoto’s mind.

Makoto sat up and studied Haru’s profile, grateful for the chance to see Haru in the morning light once again. “Morning.”

“There’s a garden outside.”

“Yeah.” Makoto checked for the futon, found it placed aside, and stood up to stretch. “The landlady grows vegetables.”

He joined Haru at the window and silenced the alarm clock before it had a chance to sound. “Oh! That’s neighbor’s cat.” Makoto pointed. The white feline yawned and jumped from the fence post into the neighboring yard. “She’s really nice. If I put tuna out tonight she’ll come by.”

“Does she like mackerel?”

“You wouldn’t give up a scrap of mackerel, but she doesn’t. I’ve tried.”

“Oh.” Haru thought about the burnt mackerel he had seen in the trash. A knock on the front door he now recognized to be Rin’s followed by a muffled complaint that would be Sousuke’s commentary about the noise ended the quiet moment beside Makoto.

“Ah.” Makoto looked over his shoulder. “That’s Rin and Sousuke.”

“Do they come by every morning?”

The question held nothing. Makoto couldn’t tell if Haru was worried or jealous. “Yes.”

“Is it so you eat?”

The concerned treble appeared faint, but enough for Makoto to hear. “Yes. They also remind me to leave for work. And bathe. And call my parents.”

Haru didn’t look at him, but Makoto saw his subtle flinch. “Is all that necessary?”

Makoto smiled a smile he wore to survive the sympathy from his good-intentioned colleagues that had kept the wound open. “I don’t mourn well.”

Haru turned to face him, but Makoto had crossed the room and entered the hallway. Rin knocked again. Haru watched the doorway and listened to the concern in Rin’s voice and the rustle of plastic bags when Makoto let them inside.

 

* * *

 

“Using scaffolding, stem-cells, and DNA, we can grow any organ,” Nagisa pointed at the computer model Haru studied with growing confusion. “We can grow a heart in about two months.”

Haru nodded, but Nagisa’s lesson had gone over his head the moment he’d started. “I don’t remember you studying this at university.”

“Ah. My focus followed Rei-chan’s, but I dived into bioengineering and took it as my main field of study after Rei-chan got approval for his brain scan.”

“After Rei scanned me.”

“Er. Yeah. That would’ve been around the same time.” Nagisa stood and stretched his arms. “Do you want to check on that liver I showed you yesterday?”

“Back then, did you think you’d use it for—” Haru dropped his question, unsure he wanted an answer. “You’ve learned a lot in a short time,” he said instead.

Nagisa lowered back into his chair. “I had a theory that the cortex chip could function in a human brain, but there was no way we could get approval on that sort of experiment, so the only option was to grow one. I hadn’t planned to use Haru-chan as the first test subject—ah! Not that you’re a test subject! We just hadn’t tried this before you, so you’re a trial, in a way.”

Haru’s chest restricted in the face of the truth he had known from the first day. He was an experiment from and belonging to Pace Laboratory no matter how much autonomy he felt he had.

“I understand.” Haru gave Nagisa a small smile and was relieved when Nagisa accepted it.

“I’m really happy it worked, Haru-chan. We all missed you.”

His voice had lowered and for a moment Haru caught a glimpse of the exhausted pain behind the pretense of his excitable smiles and energy levels usually left behind somewhere around age 23. Nagisa righted himself and his mask returned in earnest. “Ah, we should see what Rei-chan is doing and drag him out to lunch. He hardly leaves the building.” He tapped the mouse and pulled up another screen. “Rei-chan-too, are you busy?”

“I can handle multiple tasks, Dr. Hazuki. What do you and Nanase-san need from me?”

“Don’t sound so stuffy,” Nagisa complained with the edge of a childish whine. “Is Rei-chan available for lunch?”

“I can make him available.”

“Thank you, Rei-chan-too! Can I load you into my phone and take you with us?”

“The last time was unpleasant. I don’t mind being alone.”

“But I don’t like leaving you behind. Come on. Maybe Rei-chan’s phone is better?”

“It’s not the phone, Dr. Hazuki. The transfer process is unpleasant. When powered down, I no longer exist. It’s unsettling.”

“That’s no fun. But okay. Haru-chan and I will kidnap Rei-chan at noon.”

“Please don’t refer to it as kidnapping, and don’t tell Dr. Ryugazaki I rearranged his schedule.”

“Your secret is safe with me!” Nagisa spun in his chair and faced Haru with a grin. “It’s fun having two of them.”

Haru glanced at the computer screen. “Two Reis?”

“Yes. One has a body and the other doesn’t, but it’s the same Rei-chan.”

 

* * *

 

Makoto arrived just after 2 and Nagisa relinquished Haru into Makoto’s care with a pout and a hug. Haru waited until they were settled on the train before he questioned Makoto’s appearance. “Did you work today?”

“Yes, but I requested time off and left my shift early.”

“Why?”

“It’s fine.” Makoto chuckled. “I haven’t taken time off from work unless forced to, so the request was accepted.”

Haru nodded. “As long as you’re not in trouble.”

“I won’t be.”

Haru measured the space between them on the bench. He could easily slide over the small distance, but he had no idea how Makoto would react. To Haru, he remained in the point between unspoken desire and confession from five years ago, but Makoto was recovering from a pain Haru couldn’t begin to imagine.

“Ah. This is our stop.” Makoto stood.

“This isn’t the stop for hom—the apartment,” Haru observed but followed beside Makoto through the train doors.

“We’re not going home.”

“Okay.”

Makoto looked at Haru. He had accepted the information without question. It didn’t seem like Haru to allow himself to be dragged anywhere on Makoto’s whim, but his life had changed drastically.

“You can be upset about the side trip,” Makoto said. “Don’t feel that you have to hide anything. I’m not going to send you back to Rei’s if you’re disagreeable.”

Haru looked up, surprised at first but relaxed into a neutral smile. “I know. Where are you taking me?”

“We’re going to see Rin.”

Haru stopped so suddenly, the person behind him had to dash to the side to avoid a collision. Makoto apologized for Haru and pulled him to the side of the sidewalk.

“Rin won’t want to see me.”

Makoto nodded. After Rin’s displays of aggression, he couldn’t blame Haru’s concern. “He’ll be fine. And I’ll be there too. Come on.” Makoto reached for Haru’s hand but withdrew before they touched. “Trust me.”

Haru took a breath and followed Makoto the rest of the way in silence. The university campus came into view and with it, Rin’s figure leaning against a brick building. His black and red legskins connected to a near memory for Haru, and his scowl triggered a memory further back.

“When you said you wanted to come over, I didn’t expect you’d bring that.” Rin lifted his chin toward Haru.

“Why would I leave Haru alone?” Makoto asked with a tinge of feigned innocence Haru recognized, and he assumed Rin did as well because he clicked his tongue and dropped his gaze. “Is it still okay, Rin?”

Rin sighed and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket trimmed in the university’s colors. “Yeah. Whatever. Did you bring swim suits?”

Makoto saw Haru’s head lift with sudden interest. “I have mine and Haru’s.”

Rin’s eyes narrowed. “You’re going to give Haru’s jammers to that guy? They were Haru’s.”

“They’ll still be Haru’s.”

“You—” Rin scoffed and shoved opened the door. “Whatever. Just get changed. No one is expected back for another hour.”

 

* * *

  
 “You’ve gotten soft,” Rin stated.

“Eh?” Makoto looked down and touched his stomach. “I haven’t eaten too many sweets.”

“You’re too skinny. You’ve lost weight again.” Rin sighed. “We’re having a fattening dinner tonight.”

“But Rin...”

“You should workout more too.”

“I follow the fire department’s requirements.”

“Just because you can lift an unconscious person doesn’t mean you’re staying healthy. Now that you’re leaving your apartment again, it wouldn’t hurt to join me and Sousuke a few times a week.”

Makoto slid his thumb into the top of his jammers. They were definitely looser. “I’ll think about it.”

Rin frowned and shifted his gaze to Haru who had emerged from the locker room but had stood silently, observing the two. Eavesdropping more like it. “Let’s hurry up.” He started toward the pool.

Haru came up to Makoto’s side. “Can we really swim here?”

“Yes. Rin’s allowing it.”

“Oh.” Haru looked at the pool. Makoto followed his gaze and thought back to five years ago.

“When was the last time you remember swimming?”

“The summer,” Haru answered. “Nagisa got me into his university’s pool.”

“That wasn’t this university,” Rin said. “Don’t do anything weird and get me in trouble.”

Makoto smiled. It was tight. Haru didn’t like it. “There’s nothing he could do that would get you in trouble, Rin.”

“Yeah. Well. Don’t test that theory.”

Makoto leaned down and asked Haru, “Ready?”

“Did Rei say it was okay? This body—”

“Nagisa said your body is all human.”

Haru swallowed and brought up his goggles. Rin returned to Makoto’s side, and they watched Haru cross to the pool and step onto the starting block.

“You’re not going to join him?” Rin asked.

“I want to watch him first.”

“Hm.” Rin crossed his arms. “This won’t convince me he’s Haru. If that was your intention, don’t bother again.”

“I know.”

“Are you doing this for yourself?”

“No. I’m not searching for an answer here. I’ve found one already.”

“Where?”

Haru left the starting block and hit the water in a sloppier way than Makoto remembered. Haru’s mind knew the correct form, but his muscles had not been conditioned by years of practice. Emotions tightened Makoto’s chest. His answer remained the same, but he knew Haru would face a struggle.

“I found it in myself,” Makoto answered.

Rin made a noise of disapproval. “Romantic bullshit.”

Makoto smiled to ward off a frown. Rin had changed in ways Makoto had not. Makoto softened to the point of falling apart, but Rin had hardened and blocked everything. “Are you going to race Haru?”

“Hell no. That’s not Haru.”

Makoto smiled. He disagreed. It was Haru. “He’s probably not going to be very fast with muscles that were exercised with electricity in a lab.”

“Creepy,” Rin muttered.

Haru was slower than Makoto remembered, and out of breath by the time he finished, but the look in his eyes couldn’t be anyone but Haru’s. Makoto left Rin’s side and extended his hand to Haru.

Rin watched Makoto pull Haru out of the water. The scene was familiar yet foreign. He turned and headed back to the locker room. If Makoto wanted to play into Rei’s delusion and believe Haru had returned, Rin didn’t need to be a part of it.

 

* * *

 

“I heard you let Haru swim at your university,” Sousuke said. He had his nose in a book, his back against the wall, and his bare feet close enough to Rin’s thigh for Rin to feel his presence without touch.

“I allowed Makoto to swim in the pool, and he brought a guest,” Rin corrected without hostility. “How did you know?”

Sousuke turned the page. “Makoto told me.”

Rin finally looked away from his laptop and glared at Sousuke. “Did he call?”

“Yes.”

“Now that that replacement is there, he doesn’t want us to check on him?”

Sousuke looked up with a frown. “He didn’t say anything about a replacement or dinner plans. He wanted to thank you again. However, I suggest you take the night off.”

Rin clicked his teeth, unappreciative of Sousuke’s veiled sarcasm.

Sousuke closed his book and sat up. “Do you remember the last time you didn’t fuss over a full grown adult? He’ll be fine. He even did laundry yesterday. I’m sure Haru helped,” he added as an afterthought.

“This is not the way he should cope. It’s delusional.” Rin tapped a key on his laptop and heaved a heavy sigh. “My computer’s update installed wrong again.”

Sousuke glanced at the screen and saw an error message covering Rin’s work files. “You can borrow mine. I haven’t touched it in a few months. Should work fine.”

“I’ll just fix this problem.” Rin closed the error box and his programs. “It won’t take long, and then we can leave for Makoto’s. I don’t trust that Haru thing alone with him.”

“He’s Haru. Even Makoto acknowledges it.”

“When he starts eating brains, remember my distrust.”

“He isn’t a zombie.” Sousuke got to his feet with a grunt. “But if he was, he’d go after the tastiest brains first, so you’ll be fine.”

A small smile curved Rin’s mouth. “You’re saying my brain isn’t tasty?”

“It’s well known that intelligence makes a brain juicy,” Sousuke replied from the adjoining kitchen.

Rin snorted. “So he’ll eat yours last?”

Sousuke appeared in the doorway and opened a can of beer. “Of course. Do you really think Rei would create a cannibal?”

“No. I just don’t like it. He isn’t Haru.”

Sousuke nodded. “How are you going to fix your computer?”

“I just have to recover it to a date before the system update last week. Hopefully the computer will reinstall the update correctly this time.”

Sousuke studied Rin. “So you erase a week’s worth of time from the computer?”

“Essentially. I guess.”

“It’s like that week never happened?”

“Yes.”

“Is the computer is different after you do it?”

Rin sighed, frustrated. “No. It’s the same computer, it’s just like it was a week ago before the faulty update. How do you not know this?”

“Huh. So the computer has on it everything up to a week ago but not after, and it’s the same computer?” Sousuke took his seat against the wall and a sip from the chilled can. “Interesting concept.”

Rin curled his fingers into fists on the kotatsu, understanding the connection Sousuke wanted him to make. “A computer is not a person.”

“Of course not.”

“And Haru’s body was cremated.”

“I didn’t say anything about Haru.”

“It isn’t the same thing.”

Sousuke looked up. Where he had expected anger in Rin’s voice had been pain instead. He had somehow crossed a line he hadn’t seen. “Rin—”

“Screw this.” Rin shoved to his feet. “The computer can wait. I’m hungry.”

 

* * *

 

Makoto added the last folded dish towel to the stack, stood and picked them up. “Thanks for helping, Haru.” He carried them into the kitchen.

Haru paired socks and added it to the growing pile on the kotatsu. “Was Rin upset today?”

“About the pool?” Makoto returned and sat down. “He’s fine. Don’t worry.”

Haru would worry, but he nodded anyway. “Okay.” He stood to clear the socks and winced at the pull of muscle in his leg.

“Haru?”

“I’m fine.” Haru turned and stretched his stiff legs. “Just sore.”

Makoto crawled around the end of the kotatsu and observed Haru rub his calf. “Maybe we should’ve asked Rei about exercise before swimming.”

“I only swam 200 meters.”

“I know. But your muscles are...” Makoto tilted his head, uncertain. “New, I guess.”

Haru frowned. It was easy to forget his body didn’t exist a year ago. “It’s fine.”

“Let me help,” Makoto offered. Haru began to protest but his muscle cramped and stole his voice. “Roll to your stomach,” Makoto instructed. With reluctance, Haru complied and stretched out on the floor. He flinched when Makoto touched his bare calf.

“It isn’t anything unusual. We used to help each other like this before.”

“Yeah,” Haru murmured but didn’t agree. It felt different and not as innocent as any touch from high school and before.

Makoto smoothed his hand down the back of Haru’s leg, soothing the ache with pressure from his palm and fingertips. He hummed with thought and adjusted the position and pressure of his hand. Under Makoto’s careful massage Haru’s muscles unwound and the tightness ebbed away, taking the pain with it.

“Better?”

“Yes.” Haru rested his forehead on crossed arms.

“We should tell Rei what happened.” Makoto continued to work Haru’s leg, slower and gentler. “If you’re injured, maybe he can do something.”

“I’m fine.”

“Your body disagrees.” Makoto rubbed up Haru’s leg and moved past his knee, his fingers grazing under the hem of his shorts. Haru’s breath caught and his body went rigid.

“You’re too tight, Haru.”

Concern laced Makoto’s words, but they burned Haru’s cheeks anyway. “I’m fine,” he mumbled.

Makoto worked his hands down to Haru’s ankle and returned to just above his knee.

“We’ll need to be more careful with—” Makoto froze. Haru looked over his shoulder. Makoto slowly removed his hands and sat back. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I shouldn’t have.”

“What?”

Makoto shook his head and got to his feet. “I need to put these away.” He gathered the paired socks. “Rin and Sousuke will be here soon.”

From the floor, Haru watched Makoto escape into the bedroom. He placed his hand over his heart and felt it pound under his palm. He was alive. He was Haru. But boundaries he never knew existed had been erected between him and Makoto. The distance had been different five years ago. This one was filled with unspoken questions and heartache.

Makoto returned with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Feeling better?”

Haru slid to his knee and stood. “Yes. Thank you, Makoto.”

“I’m glad. Do you want to feed the neighbor’s cat before Rin and Sousuke arrive?”

“How do you know they’ll be here?”

Makoto smiled again, and Haru now recognized the depth of the sorrow behind the mask. “Rin worries.”

Haru wished an apology could mend the broken pieces and lonely days, but he knew better. “What’s the cat’s name?”

“Huh? Oh. I don’t know.” Makoto looked at the back door. “I’ve never asked.”

Haru swallowed the pang of sadness. The changes in Makoto weren’t Haru’s doing, but he felt guilty all the same.

“I’ll name it,” Haru offered.

Makoto chuckled. His smile filled the green in his eyes. “Mackerel?”

“No.” Haru turned his head. “Tuna.”

Makoto laughed lightly and started for the kitchen. “That’s just like Haru. It’s a good name. Let’s put out a saucer of milk for Tuna.”

Haru touched his chest again and felt his heart drumming steadily against his palm. He was alive. He was Haru. He could find familiar comfort surrounded by new boundaries.

 

* * *

 

Sousuke followed Rin inside Makoto’s apartment. Rin kicked off his shoes and announced their arrival, “I brought meat. We’re having barbecue tonight.”

“Are you sure that’s okay?” Makoto appeared at the end of the hall. “Sounds expensive, Rin.”

“It’s fine.” Rin dismissed Makoto’s concern with a flick of his wrist as he entered the kitchen.

Sousuke looked up and squinted at the new bulb burning brightly over the door. He closed his eyes and listened to Makoto’s protest about the steak and Haru’s voice too distant to make out, but the comment earned a quick “shut up” from Rin.

Things would never return to how they used to be, but maybe it could be close enough.

“Sousuke.” Makoto’s voice pulled him out of thought. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah.” Sousuke bent down, lined Rin’s shoes up with the others, untied, and added his to the row. “Just tired.”

“I’m happy you and Rin came for dinner.”

Sousuke smiled. “Who changed the bulb?”

“Huh? Oh.” Makoto glanced up. “Haru insisted we stop for a replacement today.”

“Good.”

“Yeah.” Makoto chuckled.

A crash sounded from the kitchen. Sousuke rushed past Makoto, expecting a snap of Rin’s temper.

Rin had Haru pressed against the fridge by his hand fisted in his shirt. Glass littered the floor at their feet. “You wear his face but you’re not Haru, so stop acting like you are!”

“Rin.” The word slid past Haru’s parted lips but he didn’t move. “I’m sorry.”

“Shut up! You don’t get to say that!” Rin’s grip tightened.

“Rin!” Sousuke grabbed Rin’s wrist and forced him to free Haru. “Stop it.”

Rin wretched free with a growl. For a moment he held Sousuke’s gaze. There was so much more than anger in Rin’s eyes, Sousuke couldn’t react when he shoved around him.

“Rin...” Makoto spoke softly, but didn’t stop him.

The front door slammed and Sousuke stirred, turning to give chase.

“Was that ‘follow me’ anger?” Makoto asked, small and uncertain. It wasn’t like him, but not much seemed normal anymore.

“Yeah.” Sousuke stepped into his shoes and left to find Rin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fully expect the next chapter to have a change in rating but no promises just yet ;)


	8. Everything in a Box

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin finally faces open wounds. Makoto and Haru grow closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the wonderful comments last chapter and before. I love each and every one ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ ♥
> 
> big thanks to EggDropSoup for the beta read~!
> 
> Enjoy chapter 8!

**Chapter 8**

“Haru?” Makoto entered the kitchen. “Are you okay?”

Haru nodded, shaken by Rin’s outburst but physically fine. “Watch the glass.”

“Oh. Right.” Makoto retreated and fetched a broom. “What happened?”

Haru waited until Makoto swept around his feet before he moved away. “I offered to help.”

Makoto sighed, studying the pile of broken glass. “Rin isn’t handling this very well, is he?”

“It’s fine. It isn’t his fault.”

“It isn’t fine, but I don’t know how to help,” Makoto said quietly and slowly, as if unsure of his words. “I couldn’t see past the same pain.”

“You—” Haru frowned. He had hurt everyone he cared about with an absence he’d only just been made aware. The lack of a solution troubled him as much as his friends’ shared pain.

“Don’t blame yourself. It wasn’t your choice to leave, and it wasn’t really you anyway.” Makoto dumped the dustpan contents into the garbage. “Rin will understand one day.”

Haru wanted to agree, but a part of him refused to believe it. Sickness or not, a version of himself had died and left his friends unprepared to cope.

“Let’s start dinner,” Makoto offered with a smile, masking his unease about Rin’s anger. Haru agreed. If anything else, it would distract them for a little while.

 

* * *

 

Sousuke caught up with Rin in the park down the street. At first he thought Rin had been waiting for him, but the glare he received spoke differently.

“Leave me alone, Sousuke.”

Sousuke shifted his gaze to the empty swing set and slide over Rin’s shoulder. Rin’s anger burned hot, but it would cool just as quickly as it flared. If Sousuke let it cool, nothing would change.

“Did you think scaring Haru would make him leave?”

Rin’s glare deepened. “That’s not—”

“Haru. I know. You’ve told me. But you can’t change opinions that aren’t yours. The truth is Haru’s consciousness has returned, whether you like it or not.”

Rin’s expression softened and he turned away. “He had no right.”

“Who? Rei?”

“Haru!”

Sousuke took a tentative step closer. “What right?”

Rin’s head lowered and his shoulders bunched. “He’s the one who left Makoto alone, and now he reenters his life as if everything’s fine.”

“Makoto accepted—”

“Because he needs Haru!” Rin turned, eyes flashing bright. “Makoto would’ve accept any version of Haru just to stop hurting.”

Sousuke nodded, hoping he understood what Rin wanted him to. “But you won’t.”

Rin inhaled sharply. “Haru left us.” Emotion danced behind his eyes but remained controlled.

“He didn’t want to.”

“He—” Rin swallowed and looked at the concrete between their feet. His fists began to tremble at his sides. Sousuke took another step closer.

“No amount of anger will change what happened.”

“I know that.”

“Then why are you angry?”

Rin pressed a knuckle against his eyebrow. “I don’t want to replace Haru.” His words were quiet, but they rang in Sousuke’s ears. “I don’t want a substitute.” Rin lowered his hand. “Haru’s gone. Why is everyone forgetting him?”

“No one was asked to forget about the Haru we lost,” Sousuke said carefully, fully aware of the fine line he treaded. “The brain scan is a part of Haru left behind. Himself. He’s another part of Haru.”

Rin shook his head. “Just forget it.” He brushed past Sousuke, and for a moment Sousuke accepted the premature end of their discussion, but allowing Rin to dodge difficult topics had caused the problem.

“No.” Sousuke turned and grabbed Rin by his arm.

“Let me go.” Rin glared at Sousuke’s hand locked around his bicep.

“Do you remember the night of Haru’s death?”

“Yes.” Rin huffed and pried at Sousuke’s fingers. Sousuke tightened his grip.

“We stayed with Makoto. No one slept. It was the only time I’ve seen him cry.”

Rin gave up freeing himself without violence. He dropped his hand to his side with an exaggerated sigh. “What’s your point?”

“You never cried.”

The air seemed to still. Rin blinked once and then broke the silence with a scoff.

“I don’t cry as much as you think I do.”

Sousuke smiled sadly. Rin was right. After Haru’s death, he no longer cried as much as Sousuke remembered. Rin’s high intensity of emotions had wilted and vanished.

“You never mourned.”

“I mourned,” Rin argued, but it crumbled under the truth they both knew.

“You let Makoto mourn. You’re connected by grief, but it isn’t yours. You’ve been too preoccupied by shouldering his to face your own.”

“I tried to help Makoto!” Rin’s anger flashed once again, and he turned his anger onto Sousuke, forcing him a step back. “You didn’t care. You’ve never cared!”

“I miss Haru too,” Sousuke whispered. The fire in Rin’s eyes dampened. “He was my friend as well.”

Rin swallowed hard and his gaze lowered. The flash of anger died quickly.

“Haru didn’t want this for any of us, Rin,” Sousuke continued softly, releasing Rin’s arm. “And he didn’t want to leave.”

“But he—”

“Had no choice. It was unfair, but not Haru’s fault. It was no one’s fault.”

Rin leaned forward and rested his forehead against Sousuke’s chest. Understanding the last of his anger had bled out, Sousuke rested his hand on the back of Rin’s neck and drew him closer. Rin released a trembling breath and grasped weakly at Sousuke’s shirt.

“It’s okay to hate him today, but don’t forget that you can forgive one day too.”

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

Rin breathed out hard. “It hurts.”

“I know.” Sousuke lowered his head and brushed his lips against Rin’s hair. “But holding on won’t make it hurt less.”

“I miss him.” The confession came out watery and quiet and almost didn’t reach Sousuke’s ears.

“I know.” Sousuke moved his hand to Rin’s back. “Haru is at Makoto’s apartment. We could—”

“No.” Rin shook his head. “Let’s go home.”

“What about dinner?”

Rin’s fists tightened in Sousuke’s shirt. “Take me home.”

“Alright.” While grateful for the change, Sousuke worried about the outcome. “Let’s go home, Rin.”

 

* * *

 

“Sousuke and Rin went home.” Makoto lowered his phone and offered Haru a shadow of a smile. “We’ll put the steak in the fridge and have it with Rin tomorrow. I think there’s tofu we can have tonight.”

“Is Rin okay?”

Makoto’s smile warmed, and he set his phone on the counter. “I think he’ll be fine.”

Haru nodded. Rin had always been the type to bottle his emotions and explode despite how often he wore his heart on his sleeve.

“Don’t feel like it’s your fault,” Makoto said. “They’ll be by for breakfast, and you’ll see Rin then. Everything will be normal.”

As normal as things could be. “You’re right.”

 

* * *

 

Haru woke to an empty room and muscles that protested movement. He wiped the sleep from his eyes and glanced at the clock. It seemed too early for Makoto to be out of bed, so he rolled the futon to the side, stretched his legs to work out the tightness, and stepped into the hallway in search of Makoto.

Makoto sat on the floor near the opened backdoor. A cat’s tail swished on the floor beside him.

“Makoto?”

“Oh.” Makoto looked over his shoulder. He smiled, and it carried the weight of a restless night. “Morning, Haru. Tuna came to visit.”

Haru crossed the room and crouched beside Makoto. The cat welcomed him with a soft meow. “Did you sleep?” Haru scratched behind Tuna’s ear.

“A little.”

“Was it because of Rin?”

“It wasn’t because of his anger.”

Haru didn’t understand but decided not to press. Makoto would elaborate when and if he wanted. “They’ll be by for breakfast.”

“I took down all the pictures.”

Haru looked at Makoto, confused by the abrupt change of conversation. “Oh.” He had noticed the lack of framed photographs in the small apartment that conflicted with his memory of their two bedroom.

“After Har—you—died I put everything in a box. It upset Rin, but I couldn’t look at the happy memories. I couldn’t have my own face reminding me about the past.” Makoto took a breath and caught Haru’s gaze. “I think Rin also put everything in a box. Not photos. Just everything else. And last night, that box was opened. So I’m worried about him.”

“It’s my fault.”

“It isn’t. You did nothing wrong.” Makoto gave Tuna a final rub and got to his feet. “Rin had Sousuke with him, so he’ll be fine, but I’m sure last night wasn’t easy.”

Haru followed Makoto into the kitchen. “I don’t know how to help.”

Makoto paused. He studied Haru for a moment and smiled gently. “Rin’s Rin. He’ll come to you when he’s able.”

“But—”

“Rin’s older than he was five years ago, but he’s still Rin. You know him. He isn’t different.”

Haru nodded. It made sense. He couldn’t change how he dealt with Rin if Rin remained the way Haru remembered. “Okay.”

“Are you sore? You’re limping.”

Haru shifted on his feet, focusing on what felt like the protest of overworked muscle. He couldn’t hide anything from Makoto five years ago and doubted he could now. “Yes. But it feels normal.”

“I shouldn’t have taken you swimming so soon. We’ll see Rei today.”

“I’m fine.”

Makoto tilted his head and his smile warmed the color of his eyes. “I just want to check. You haven’t learned this body. It’s different.”

Haru touched his chest and felt his heartbeat under his palm. Makoto was right. He felt no different, so it was too easy to forget his body wasn’t his own—it grew in a matter of months in a laboratory setting. It wasn’t the body his mind believed he never left.

“Nagisa would be the one to see,” Haru said.

“Right. I’ll text him. If he’s free, we’ll go after breakfast.”

Haru focused on the steady thump of his heartbeat and wondered about the three years he missed. Had Makoto learned his body as well as Haru had known it? Maybe better? Makoto had decided Haru was Haru, but would he still feel that way once—if ever—he repeated intimacy with Haru in a body grown at Pace Labs? His heartbeat increased and Haru lowered his hand.

A knock on door saved him from further thoughts. Makoto squeezed around him to let their guests inside. Haru entered the hallway and watched for Rin after Sousuke’s entrance, but Sousuke closed the door behind him. A part of Haru had expected Rin’s absence, but he was still disappointed.

“Morning Haru.” Sousuke nodded and cut into the kitchen.

Haru caught Makoto’s sympathetic frown and followed Sousuke. “Where’s Rin?”

“He had early morning practice.” Sousuke set a grocery bag on the counter.

Haru understood why he’d lie, but guilt twisted his stomach. Rin had already suffered too much because of Haru.

“He’s better,” Sousuke said softly. “Just give him time.”

Haru accepted Sousuke’s words as truth, deciding he could do nothing more than that.

 

* * *

 

“You put a lot of strain on the muscles, but you’re fine, Haru-chan.” Nagisa pushed back, and let his chair roll across the floor. He grabbed the desk at the other end and stopped his momentum. “You should’ve called me first, Mako-chan,” he teased more than reprimanded, but Makoto still lowered his head.

“I’m sorry, Nagisa. I thought it would be okay.”

“Walking is less strenuous. Although swimming would be better than running for his bones. I suggest light cardio before you throw him back into a pool.”

“I didn’t throw him,” Makoto argued weakly.

Haru frowned. Nagisa made it sound as if he was an old, fragile man. “Why can’t I run?”

Nagisa turned his chair and faced Haru. “You can, but take it easy. Your bones are still solidifying.”

Haru grimaced but Makoto made an audible sound of Haru’s expression. Nagisa grinned at their reactions.

“It’s like you’re a teenager with weak bones about ready to hit a growth spurt without the actual growth,” he expanded. “Your bones aren’t pudding. Not anymore.”

Haru heard Makoto’s stifled groan and assumed he had pictured bone pudding. “When can I swim?”

Nagisa’s smile grew. “I had expected that question the first night. I was secretly worried about you.” He rolled back to Haru’s side of the room. “Continue the exercises Rei-chan showed you. I’ll monitor your progress, and let you swim next week if the muscles are strengthening as they should.”

Haru accepted the deal with a nod. “But no running?”

“Light running. Don’t train with Rin-chan.”

“Can he jog with me?” Makoto asked and Nagisa considered it for a moment.

“Yes. I think you’ve learned not to push limits.” Nagisa grinned and added, “But don’t let any _private_ exercises get vigorous, Mako-chan.”

Makoto blinked. “I jog with my colleagues from the department. It isn’t private.”

“I wasn’t talking about _jogging_.” Nagisa gave Makoto a wink. Haru hoped Makoto wouldn’t understand, but he blushed and dropped his gaze to the floor. Haru felt his own cheeks heat, but luckily Makoto held Nagisa’s attention.

“Nagisa, we aren’t—I wouldn’t—”

“It’s fine, Mako-chan.” Nagisa jumped to his feet. “Let’s say hello to Rei-chan before you leave.”

Makoto nodded and stood. Haru watched him, wanting to read his expression, but he was careful not to lift his gaze toward Haru.

“Rei-chan’s been busy,” Nagisa said as he led the way down the hall. “Rei-chan-too said he’s been resting in his office, but I still worry.”

“He owns Pace Labs. I imagine it keeps him busy.” Makoto matched Haru’s pace behind Nagisa.

“It does.” Nagisa smiled over his shoulder. “I don’t complain. I expected this would be his future back in high school.”

“Ah.” Makoto offered a polite smile.

“I didn’t predict this future for all of us, but maybe I’m a partial psychic.”

Makoto chuckled. “I think you just understand Rei the best.”

“Yeah. Probably.”

They reached Rei’s lab and Nagisa opened the door, announcing himself with his usual burst of excitement. After a beat, he exclaimed, “Rin-chan!”

Haru glanced around Makoto with just enough time to witness Nagisa launching himself toward Rin, and Rin’s successful sidestep.

“Nagisa-kun,” Rei chastised gently. “That’s not the proper way to greet a guest.”

Nagisa saddled up to Rei with a feigned pout. “Rin-chan isn’t a guest. He’s a friend.”

Rin turned and spotted Makoto and Haru hovering just outside the doorway. He clicked his teeth and stalked toward them. He avoided Makoto but Haru had to step out of his way to prevent a collision.

Nagisa swung back into the hallway and chased after him. His friendliness was rewarded with a partial smile.

Haru hadn’t known what to expect from Rin after last night, but he was still surprised. The anger in his eyes had been replaced with something cold and unrecognizable to Haru.

“He looked tired.” Makoto studied Rin’s retreating figure flanked by Nagisa. “I don’t think it’s only because of his early practice.”

“He didn’t have early practice, Makoto-senpai.” Rei removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "He didn't work at all today."

“He’s grieving,” Makoto whispered. He sighed and entered the lab. Haru waited until Rin and Nagisa entered the elevator before he followed.

“Nagisa-kun told me you were concerned about your legs, Haruka-san. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

“Is Rin okay?”

Rei adjusted his glasses and cleared his throat. “He wanted to know more about the scan. It’s the first real interest he’s shown. I don’t think I’ve changed his opinion about it, but perhaps the inquiry was a good sign.”

“What’s his opinion?” Makoto asked.

“He thinks it’s creepy. It can copy a consciousness, but not a soul. However, a soul is an abstract concept without any solid scientific backing. If one did exist, it would most certainly reside in the mind, and therefore it would be copied as well.”

Makoto nodded and glanced at Haru.

“Oh. I’m sorry, Haruka-san. I shouldn’t have been so thoughtless with my words.”

“It’s fine.” Haru hadn’t thought about it before. It probably didn’t matter. He was alive, he was Haru, and Makoto agreed. Nothing else mattered.

 

* * *

 

Sousuke texted Makoto after six to let him know he and Rin wouldn’t be over for dinner. After giving Haru the news, Makoto insisted on an impromptu trip to the nearest grocery store for any ingredients Haru needed for a mackerel dinner. Haru allowed the obvious special treatment but snuck extra ingredients into the cart to once again make Makoto’s favorite.

They would spoil each other in an endless loop.

With the futon rolled out beside the bed, Makoto switched off the light. Haru listened his soft breaths as his eyes adjusted to the dark.

“Rin’s better,” Makoto said. “He isn’t angry anymore. Sousuke confirmed that he’s finally grieving, so I think he’ll be okay.”

“Yeah,” Haru agreed. While grateful Rin’s anger had subsided, he still felt a sharp tug of guilt. He—or a version of himself—had caused Rin’s grief.

“Rin will be okay,” Makoto said again, as if convincing himself.

Haru rose to his knees and rested his cheek on the mattress. In the light filtered through the window, he could make out Makoto’s brittle smile. Haru had once believed Makoto had become invincible after finding himself on the edge of breaking in junior high, but the three years Haru didn’t experience had left him held together by string almost pulled to the snapping point.

Makoto didn’t have to be strong all of the time. Not with Haru. He knew even the strongest needed to be weak sometimes.

Haru found Makoto’s hand and threaded their fingers together. The act of comfort broke the wall Makoto had built to protect himself, and the string snapped. A wave of fresh sorrow and pain washed through him.

“Haru.” Makoto sat up and Haru stood to let him fall into his arms. To Makoto, the hug felt different. It wasn’t the same weight from Haru, but it was Haru’s voice that spoke his name and soothed the broken edges.

“Makoto.”

“It isn’t your fault, Haru. I’m sorry you’re left to pick up the pieces.” Makoto buried his face into Haru’s shoulder and smelled laundry detergent and shampoo. Haru was here. Everything was fine.

“It’s fine.” Because the only alternative was not being back at all.

Haru shifted and Makoto loosened his embrace, not wishing to trap him. Haru tightened his arms around Makoto’s neck, afraid if he pulled away now, he would never return.

Makoto took a breath that shuddered at release. Haru closed his eyes and tried to memorize Makoto’s warmth. After a few moments, he pulled away and looked at Makoto’s face. He understood the grief mixed with embarrassment and shame, but didn’t know how to fix it.

“I’m sorry, Haru. I shouldn’t have.” Makoto retreated.

“Don’t.” Haru grabbed his shirt. He wanted to say, “Let me stay” but couldn’t form the words. He couldn’t ask Makoto to share the bed and relive memories of another Haru.

Makoto smiled gently and swung his legs out of bed. “Futon? Like when we were kids?”

Haru nodded, once again relieved Makoto could still read him as easily as before. He made room for Makoto and his pillow from the bed. It was a tight fit, but left enough room between them to remain innocent.

“We don’t fit on one like when we were kids,” Makoto commented.

“Is it okay?”

“Yes. It’s good.” Makoto found Haru’s hand in the space between them and placed his over it. “Good night, Haru.”

Haru flipped his hand to hold Makoto’s. Boundaries existed between them, but so did familiar comfort and in that familiar comfort Haru felt whole, as if the years apart didn’t matter.

 

* * *

 

In the morning, Haru woke facing the closet with the back of his shirt grasped weakly in Makoto’s hand. He smiled and tried not to move and wake Makoto.

“Haru?” Makoto released Haru and rolled to his back. “What time is it?”

Haru sat up and looked at the clock. “Seven.”

“Sousuke and Rin will be here soon.” Makoto yawned and rubbed his eyes. “I think Rin will be here.”

Haru admired Makoto’s optimism. He stretched his legs and got to his feet. “Did you sleep?”

“Yes.” Makoto sat up and stifled a yawn.

“We should get dress—”

Rin’s knock on the front door followed by Sousuke’s muffled complaint interrupted. Makoto gave Haru an “I knew it” look and left to let them in.

Haru waited until he heard voices in the hallway before he stepped out of the bedroom.

“Haru.”

Haru startled, unsure what Rin’s tone could mean. “Rin.”

Rin stood with fists clenched. He swallowed and moved forward. He pulled Haru into a hug that wasn’t rough but wasn’t as gentle as Makoto’s.

“I’m still angry,” Rin said. “But I don’t hate you or what you are.” He released Haru and walked away without sparing him another glance.

Makoto stepped out of his way back into the kitchen. “Rin, do you need a tissue?”

“Shut up, Makoto.”

Makoto frowned, confused his offer was declined more than offended by Rin’s words.

“His sleeve worked fine,” Sousuke replied from the kitchen. The sound of a hand smacking clothed skin followed. “Ow, Rin.”

Makoto chuckled and glanced at Haru. Things were as normal as they could be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably a rating change next chapter ( ˘ ³˘)


	9. Warmth of Belonging

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru finds old sketchbooks and gets a citizenship card. Makoto begins to move on with Haru's help. And Rin decides what Haru is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you EggDropSoup for the beta read~
> 
> Thank you everyone for reading and to those leaving comments. They motivate me! ᕙ(˵՞ ◡ ՞˵)ᕗ
> 
> Enjoy chapter 9!!

**Chapter 9**

Two weeks after Haru returned to their lives, he no longer worried about how Rin skirted around the topic of what he was. Rin’s anger had dissipated, and sadness clung to his every movement and word, but it was progress. In a way.

Makoto had returned to work and Haru returned to Pace Laboratories. On the second day back with Nagisa, he took a book from the apartment to fend off boredom. He could only spend so many hours observing tissue samples before he was sure to find the end of his sanity.

Things were changing. Questions lingered on the horizon, but day to day life had settled into tranquil regularity.

“I think it’s better if you cook dinner,” Sousuke said to Haru with his gaze on Rin and Makoto in the front room. “I’ll stick to prep.”

They had taken turns on dinner since Rin’s return to the nightly routine. Meals had been quiet and uneventful since that night.

“Why?” Haru enjoyed cooking, but he knew Sousuke also liked it. Makoto frequently offered to help, but he was happy to be banned from the kitchen. Rin would cook steak but let Sousuke or Haru handle most meals.

“You were trained.” Sousuke tilted his head. Haru understood he wanted to give a piece of stability from five years earlier back to Haru. Haru appreciated the thought, but it didn’t matter.

“This is fine,” Haru said. Sousuke crowded the small kitchen, but he’d miss the company.

“Okay.” Sousuke turned and opened the fridge. Haru shuffled out of the way.

Makoto chuckled and Haru glanced through the opening into the living room. He observed the two, noting Rin’s forced smile at Makoto’s retelling of an event at work. Every night Makoto told Rin about menial tasks from the fire station, and every night Rin listened without offered input or encouragement.

“It’s something Rin used to do with Makoto during the first month after your death,” Sousuke whispered. “Simply talking is sometimes enough.”

“Enough?”

“To lessen the numbness.”

Haru looked away. Rin wore his grief differently than Makoto, but it still touched guilt into Haru’s chest.

After dinner, Sousuke and Rin left, and Makoto took his bath. Haru fetched a borrowed novel from his bag and crouched in front of the shelf to return it. Makoto had claimed this one had been Haru’s favorite, but Haru had never heard of it and was disappointed by the lack of an ocean setting. He did end up enjoying the plot and prose, and Makoto wouldn’t lie, so Haru believed him.

His fingers lingered on the spine and his gaze strayed to the bottom shelf where a row of stacked magazines covered a neat line of books. Haru cleared them and uncovered four black hardbound sketchbooks.

Recognizing the style from the one he received for his birthday from Makoto a few months before his brain scan, Haru moved them to the desk for closer inspection. Inside the cover of the first he found Makoto’s inscription and date. He smiled and ran his fingertips over the characters before turning the page.

He slowly flipped through the pages, recognizing the sketches of landscapes, people, and animals from a trip to the aquarium. Toward the end, the images became new. Artwork he couldn’t remember drawing, and places he couldn’t remember visiting.

The second book contained much of the same unfamiliar illustrations in a style Haru recognized as his own. Some cleaner than others. Practice sketches of hands and feet filled the pages between shaded and cleaned artwork.

Haru picked up the third book and skimmed the first few images. After a dozen or more practical studies of interiors, he flipped to a finished, full body pose, and his breath caught in his throat. The background was the bathroom from the two bedroom apartment he remembered, but the focus was Makoto brushing his teeth at the mirror.

Nude.

The angle concealed Makoto’s front, and the details were focused on his back and face reflected in the mirror. The small smile around his toothbrush directed at the artist was forever captured with pencil.

Haru felt like a voyeur to a life that had been his—if the scan had taken place years later. He turned the page to a fluffy cat next to a potted plant and gathered his thoughts. He knew Makoto had shared every aspect of his life with Haru, but the evidence stung sharper than he had expected.

Landscapes, cats, Rin, Sousuke, Nagisa, and Rei filled the subsequent pages. Moments of laughter, Rei’s subdued grin beside Nagisa, and Sousuke’s gentle look directed at the back of Rin’s head had been memorialized in pencil and sometimes ink. Color appeared as a highlight to a few pieces.

Haru found it strange and unsettling that it was his work but not his hand. It was another Haru. One he used to be, but also one he had never been.

The first artwork in full color froze Haru and touched heat into his veins. He studied the depiction of Makoto with his head tilted back and pressed against a pillow. While the focus had been his expression, the artist had sketched every trace of bare skin. The result was tastefully erotic, but not something Haru would’ve imagined drawing with Makoto’s virtue in mind.

Something stirred in Haru, but it wasn’t lust expected from finding such a piece of art of the man he’d loved for as long as he could remember. It was a cold heat that he didn’t enjoy.

“Did you pick a new book, Haru?”

Startled by Makoto’s sudden appearance from the bath, Haru pressed the opened book to his chest and stumbled backward. “Makoto!”

Makoto smiled, confused by Haru’s reaction and the distance placed between them. Haru studied his expression and knew the exact moment he connected the dots to the sketchbook in Haru’s arms.

“Which year is that?” Panic replaced confusion.

“I don’t know.”

Makoto picked through the ones left on the desk, blush creeping onto his ears. “It must be—oh. Don’t look at that one, Haru!”

Haru jerked away when Makoto tried to take it. “You’re the one with it in your living room.”

“It was covered,” Makoto argued feebly.

“Unlike you.”

“Haru!” Makoto’s blush spread to his neck. “I didn’t know about those pages until after—” he stopped and let the rest of the sentence remain unspoken. “You could memorize a scene and draw it perfectly at a later time. You could always sketch from memory, but you got really good at it later.”

It made sense because there was no way Makoto would have posed like that, and Haru would never have requested him to. “Oh.”

“Some days you didn’t know me, but on other days you could draw my expression from three days earlier.” Makoto’s voice trembled slightly.

Haru remembered the first time he forgot his home and Makoto, and the fear it left behind. It had lasted only a few minutes and didn’t happen again. At least not in the months leading up to the scan. “I had more memory lapses?”

“Yeah.” Makoto smiled, but his mask couldn’t cover the pain he’d uncovered with the memory. “Short ones at first. But it got worse.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” Makoto nodded at the sketchbooks on the desk. “The last one you started a few months before you died.”

Haru set the third book down and opened the fourth. The drawings weren’t as neat. His hand had lost steadiness. Haru flipped through the six used pages, finding practice after practice of Makoto’s face and smile. Each sketch worse than the first. The last looked to be more scribbles than anything else.

He closed the cover.

“The third book is my favorite,” Makoto said. “Even though I was surprised by a few of the drawings.”

“A few?”

Makoto’s blush returned. “Yeah. You know how you are when something catches your interest.”

Haru cracked a smile at the unintentional implication behind Makoto’s innocent words. “I know.” He picked up the second again and flipped through the portraits. “Did you kiss me first?”

“Uh.” Makoto held the back of his neck and found sudden interest in the ceiling. “N-no. I was too nervous.”

Haru smiled again. Makoto’s embarrassment was endearing. “But you told me you loved me first.”

“I did.” Makoto sighed. “Can we go to bed now?”

“Yes.” Haru returned the sketchbooks to the shelf. He lingered and took the fourth one. “Did you keep my art supplies?”

Makoto’s smile cleared his remaining sadness from painful memories. “I did. It doesn’t seem right to leave that one like that, does it?”

Haru nodded. Makoto always understood.

Makoto left Haru to arrange the stack of magazines in front of the other sketchbooks to protect his dignity from prying eyes. Makoto returned with a box from the bedroom closet and set it on the floor beside the desk.

“It’s everything I put away after...” Makoto made a vague gesture. “Your art supplies should be in there.”

Haru knelt and peeled back the tape. Makoto shifted in his peripheral vision.

“I’m going to prepare the futon,” Makoto decided.

“Okay.” Haru allowed Makoto to retreat into the bedroom, even though they both knew Haru had already rolled out the futon. The box held memories Makoto didn’t want to face.

Haru started from the top and picked up each picture frame one by one, carefully placing them beside him. A few photographs he recognized: Makoto’s graduation from the fire academy, Rin and Sousuke outside of Sousuke’s police station, Nagisa and Rei in lab coats at their university.

The ones he hadn’t seen stirred that cold heat in his stomach. Makoto and himself, too close to be just friends. Makoto and himself at a party, Makoto’s hand just visible on Haru’s waist. Makoto and himself, with Ren and Ran outside of the Tachibana front door.

Haru turned the last two frames down before he glanced at the photos inside. He could now recognize the cold heat as envy, and he felt ashamed. The response was ridiculous. He was looking at his _own life_. Makoto had been in love with him, not someone else. He had no right to be envious about any of it.

But still. Haru hadn’t lived those three years with Makoto. He never got to experience first times. A different Haru had. The Haru he had once been. They were the same but vastly different. And Makoto’s relationship with that Haru caused him to skirt around Haru today. Jealousy joined envy and Haru’s stomach lurched.

He reached the art supplies and ignored the pallet of color pencils and paints in favor of the canvas bag of pencils. Inside, even the most used pencil hadn’t been the one Haru remembered using last.

These weren’t his supplies. They were never his to begin with. The photos weren’t of him either. Even Sousuke had said it before.

He returned the pencil and stared blankly at the contents of the box. His time ended five years ago. The person who lived with Makoto for three years after wasn’t Haru—not this Haru. Jealousy and envy melted away, leaving a type of coldness in his stomach that felt similar to heartbreak and defeat.

“Haru, did you find what you needed?”

Haru looked up at Makoto. “It isn’t mine.”

“What?”

“It’s—” Haru’s heart raced. It was no longer his life. He couldn’t step into it as if he’d just been away for five years. “I have no right.”

Makoto knelt beside him. “Haru?”

“I don’t belong here.”

“You do.”

“Rin was right. I’m not Haru. This life wasn’t mine.” Haru motioned to the box and the pieces of someone’s life that he felt a similarity with, but they were two distinctively different people. Stepping into the space left behind in his absence was theft.

“No. You _are_ Haru.” Makoto picked up one of the frames. “You’re not this Haru. You didn’t live his life. But you are still Haru.”

Haru shook his head. He thought he had accepted it, but the evidence in the contrary overwhelmed him too easily. He’d been wrong. He was alive, but he wasn’t Haru.

“Haru, please.” Makoto cupped Haru’s face, forcing their gazes together. “I told you before. You’re Haru as much as he was Haru, but you’re your own person. You belong here. Today. It doesn’t matter that it’s not you in those photos. There will be more photos. Photos of you living a life you belong in. I promise.”

“W—” Haru choked and started again. “Why did this happen?”

“I don’t know.”

“He took moments I wanted from me.”

Makoto shifted and pulled Haru into his arms. “I know.”

“I don’t fit the hole he made in everyone’s lives.”

“You don’t need to.” Makoto pulled back and gave Haru a smile. “No one wants you to be that Haru. I’m sorry. I should’ve realized how you felt and chose my words more carefully.”

Haru fingered the material of Makoto’s shirt. “It’s not your fault. I only just realized it.”

“Please don’t think you’re not supposed to be here, Haru. I want you here.”

Haru nodded. He would cling to Makoto’s words and find solid ground once again. “He was—”

“It isn’t you versus him, Haru. You are you. You’re Haru.” Makoto used the back of his fingers and wiped away the single tear that escaped Haru’s eye. “I loved him, and I love you.”

The remaining coldness in his stomach faded away. Haru smiled, relieved and happy. “I love you.” He knew it wasn’t the first time Makoto had heard those words, but he could now believe it didn’t matter. Makoto’s smile brightened the same regardless of any past Haru hadn’t experienced.

Makoto leaned forward and brushed his lips over Haru’s. The gentle testing of waters stirred a storm inside Haru. He inclined his head a fraction, indicating agreement and requesting more. Makoto touched his lips again, lingered, and withdrew.

Haru followed. The soft touch of Makoto’s breath when he chuckled made the sound so much sweeter. Makoto kissed him again, fitting his palm around Haru’s neck and sweeping his thumb along his jawline. Haru reached up and groped for Makoto’s neck but lost concentration the second he felt Makoto’s tongue slide against his lower lip. Acutely aware of their experience difference, Haru parted his lips and let Makoto show him how a kiss could stop time and turn a room on its side.

Makoto pulled back, ghosting his lips against Haru’s. “Breathe,” he whispered.

Haru realized it was an instruction, not a form of sweet nothings. He then realized he needed oxygen that hadn’t seemed important a moment before.

Makoto left a kiss on Haru’s cheek and sat back. His earlier “I love you” reflected in his eyes. Haru no longer felt the coldness of envy or defeat. The warmth of belonging smoldered in his chest.

 

* * *

 

Haru woke up to an empty room. The space on the futon where Makoto had been was already cold. He checked the time and left the bedroom. The box from the night before was gone, and Makoto wasn’t in the apartment.

Panic threatened but Haru swallowed it down. Makoto couldn’t have gone far, and Rin and Sousuke would be by for breakfast soon. Before he could head into the kitchen and distract himself, the front door opened and Makoto entered. He spotted Haru at the end of the hall and gave him a smile.

“Good morning.” Makoto’s voice was strong and warm.

“Morning. Where were you?”

“I took something outside.”

Haru’s curiosity was sparked, but Makoto had purposely kept it vague so he didn’t press.

“Tomorrow I’m off from work,” Makoto continued. “We should buy you clothes.”

“I have clothes.”

“Those are old.”

“But—” Haru realized Makoto’s intentions and frowned.

“I should have given away those clothes a long time ago.” Makoto closed the space between them. “I don’t have to keep everything. And besides, you deserve something that’s yours.”

Haru took a breath, focused on that warmth inside his chest, and smiled. “I have some clothing from Rei. It’s enough for now.”

“I’ll need your help to let him go. It’s not as easy as I thought it would be.” Makoto found Haru’s hand and threaded their fingers together. “I want to. Don’t let me change my mind because it’s difficult.”

Haru nodded. He’d be strong in Makoto’s place. “Okay.”

“Thank you, Haru.” Makoto touched Haru’s cheek and kissed him.

Morning kisses felt just as wonderful as the ones the night before. Haru parted his lips without Makoto’s coaxing, and let the world fall away. When he registered how minty Makoto tasted compared to the night before, he realized with horror that he hadn’t brushed his teeth. He pulled back and covered his mouth. His apology died under Makoto’s chuckle and knowing smile.

“It’s fine, Haru.”

Haru lowered his hand. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

He didn’t have to explain why. Haru understood he was used to a level of intimacy Haru hadn’t experienced.

Rin’s knock on the door prevented Haru from dwelling on it. Makoto gave him a smile before he left to open the door. Haru took a few breaths to calm his heartbeat and ducked into the kitchen to begin breakfast preparation.

“What’s with your face?” Rin asked in the doorway and Makoto made a noise of panic.

“What’s wrong with it?”

“You’re all pink.”

“I’m not.”

“Right.” Rin slipped by the kitchen unannounced. Makoto trailed behind him with his head down.

“Morning.” Sousuke joined Haru in the kitchen.

“Morning.” Haru felt Sousuke’s gaze for longer than necessary. He pointed a glare at him in return. “What?”

“Nothing.” Sousuke looked into the living room where Rin hassled Makoto. “It’s good.”

“What is?”

“You and Makoto.”

Haru followed Sousuke’s gaze. He didn’t need to ask how Sousuke knew, because despite Makoto’s blush, his smile no longer carried the weight of a broken heart.

“I’m not taking him away from anyone, but I feel like I am.”

Sousuke shook his head. “Makoto isn’t the type to let himself be taken away. If he didn’t want to move on, he wouldn’t.”

Haru knew Sousuke was right, and Makoto made his own decisions, but it was easy to forget.

 

* * *

 

“Haru-chan! Sou-chan!” Nagisa shouted across the Pace Laboratory lobby.

Sousuke made a soft noise of disapproval that sounded an awful lot like embarrassment. “We should’ve waited outside.”

Haru didn’t disagree, but he suspected Nagisa was known and respected by the people around them, so his behavior hardly mattered.

“Thanks for bringing Haru-chan today, Sou-chan,” Nagisa said with a wink directed at Sousuke.

“Yeah. Don’t forget Makoto has tomorrow off.”

“I’ve asked Rei-chan-too to remind me.”

“Good.” Sousuke turned to Haru. “See you tonight, Haru.”

“Bye, Sou-chan!” Nagisa tugged Haru toward the elevators. “I have good news, Haru-chan.”

“What is it?”

Nagisa reached into the pocket of his lab coat and handed Haru a resident registration card with Haru’s name and face.

“Is this real?” Haru followed Nagisa into the lift.

Nagisa began to shrug but pushed his shoulders back. “Totally real. It’s really real. It’s super _not_ fake.”

Haru narrowed his eyes. “Is it legal?”

“Ah. Um.” Nagisa averted his gaze from Haru. “You’re a citizen again. Rei-chan has your social insurance and health insurance cards. I don’t think a passport is possible, so you can’t vacation in Australia, but you could get a job somewhere if you wanted. Although, I hope you stay here,” he added with a pout.

“How did you and Rei do this?”

Nagisa chuckled and poked Haru in his side. “I made your entire body, and Rei-chan copied your entire mind. Japan’s Basic Resident Registration Network System was simple to work arou—with.”

“Nagisa.”

“Don’t worry, Haru-chan. It’s fine.” Nagisa jumped out of the elevator the moment the doors opened. Haru sighed and followed.

 

* * *

 

“You’re now Nanase Haruka who shares a birth date with a deceased Nanase Haruka,” Rei explained. “Out of respect, we didn’t touch your prior information, we only copied most of it. It isn’t an exact duplicate to avoid detection, but close enough so you won’t have to memorize a new identity.”

Haru nodded and looked at his new resident registration card that proved he existed. Regardless of the questionable legality of Rei-chan-too placing an identity within the government’s systems, Haru once again existed in the eyes of the law. It had never been something he thought much about before.

Rei cleared his throat. “Haruka-san, I think you should start thinking about whether or not you wish to tell your family.”

Haru looked up. He hadn’t thought about it, but he already knew his answer. “I don’t want to tell them.”

Rei nodded, accepting Haru’s decision without judgment. “What about other friends? Past colleagues?”

“No one else matters.”

“The Tachibana family.”

Haru looked at the card once again. He could avoid his family, but he would never ask Makoto to hide from his for Haru’s sake. “I don’t know.”

“Discuss it with Makoto-senpai. Also ask Rin-san how he thinks Gou-san would react. There’s a chance you’ll run into her eventually, and she did care for you as well.”

Haru nodded. “Right.”

“I don’t think it’s possible for you return to Iwatobi either. I’m sorry.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

Rei touched the side of his glasses. “The life you had cannot be the one you will have. Not entirely, at least.”

“I know. It’s fine.”

“I’m relieved you think so, Haruka-san.”

“You can use senpai again.”

Rei’s smile carried relief and happiness. “Thank you, Haruka-senpai.”

Haru looked away. Rei was embarrassing. It was just an honorific.

“Are you feeling better after these last two weeks?”

Haru took a breath. He was alive. Makoto loved him. His friends cared. “Yes. I am.”

 

* * *

 

That night, Haru studied the empty side of the closet. His few items of clothing from Rei hung near Makoto’s, and the rest of the closet was boxed up in the hallway. Makoto had gathered photographs to mail to his parents for safe keeping. He didn’t explain why he needed them so far away and Haru didn’t press. Other items, like the art supplies, ended up in the garbage and recycling before Haru had known about it. It had been a step Makoto need to take on his own.

The small apartment felt smaller somehow. Haru heard Rin and Sousuke’s arrival for dinner, so he closed the closet and left the join the others.

“What the hell, Makoto?” Rin’s stood in front of a box in the living room, holding one of Haru’s swimsuits. “You can’t get rid of his things.”

“It isn’t everything, Rin. I shouldn’t have held onto what I have for so long.” Makoto held a placating hand out. Behind him Sousuke stepped to the side and made room for Haru in the hallway.

“Is it because of”—Rin frowned and searched for the right word—“the other Haru?”

“No. Not entirely.” Makoto lowered his hand. “I’ve held onto Haru because I thought if I cleaned out his clothes or belongings, I was somehow betraying him. But he’s gone, Rin.”

Rin nodded, dropped the pair of jammers back into the box, and sighed. “Fine. I understand.”

“Do you want something of his?” Makoto asked. “Something to remember him?”

“I don’t want his jammers.” Rin clicked his teeth and nudged the box with his foot. “That’s weird.”

“I don’t mean something from that box.”

Haru squeezed around Makoto and went to the bookcase behind Rin. He uncovered the sketchbooks and flipped through the second one.

“Haru?” Makoto whispered in alarm when Haru ripped out a page.

Haru closed it and returned the book to the shelf before he faced Rin. He swallowed, expecting anger, and offered the page. Rin eyed it cautiously but eventually took it.

Rin studied the drawing and his expression crumpled. “What—?”

“It’s you and Sou—”

“I know.” Rin looked up. It wasn’t anger in his eyes. “I know,” he said softer.

Sousuke crossed the room and Rin handed the page over. Sousuke’s fond smile and Rin’s laughter from what felt like another lifetime was captured in amazing detail. “Good memento,” Sousuke decided and Rin sniffed.

“Thanks, Haru,” Rin murmured.

 

* * *

 

Haru opened the glass door and went onto the back patio with a small saucer of milk. Tuna had grown accustomed to the evening treat and immediately greeted Haru with a meow. Haru crouched, set the saucer down, and rubbed Tuna behind her ears.

“Hey,” Rin whispered. Haru acknowledged him with a nod. Rin had lost his anger, but he hadn’t been open to conversations with Haru just yet either, so Haru didn’t know what to expect.

Rin joined Haru on the patio, closing the door behind him. Tuna fled back into her owner’s area.

“Sorry. Cats don’t like me,” Rin said.

“It’s fine.” Haru stood but didn’t approach. Uncertain what to do, he studied Rin move across the small space and searched for an indication of what he was thinking.

“It hurts to see Makoto smile because of you.” Rin leaned down and rested his elbows on the metal railing that separated the space from the yard. “It hurts more to see Haru where he’d been missing for almost two years.”

Haru lowered his gaze to his feet. Rin was no longer angry, but he still suffered.

“But this pain is a better pain.” Rin sighed and faced Haru. “It’s weird that you returned from the dead, Haru. You weren’t supposed to be gone, but it seems wrong that you’re back.”

Haru agreed. He never wanted to die. He had had a life he wanted to live.

“I’m getting used to it,” Rin continued. “It hurts to have you here because it reminds me of when you weren’t.”

“Rin...”

“I’m glad you’re not dead anymore.” Rin smiled weakly. “It’s fucking weird that Rei touched your brain and Nagisa grew your body, right?”

Haru blew out a breath of relief mixed with a small chuckle. “Yeah, it’s weird.”

“The things Nagisa could’ve done to you. You don’t have a tattoo now, do you?”

Haru shook his head. “No.”

“Good.” Rin sighed again and leaned back against the railing. “I’m sorry I didn’t make this easier for you.”

“It’s fine. I understand.”

Rin smiled again. This one was soft and warm, and Haru was glad to see it. “I’ve been thinking about how some cultures believe a camera can steal a person’s soul. Maybe Rei’s machine captured some of Haru’s. But I guess even if it didn’t, a part of Haru returned with you, and that’s enough.”

“You think I’m Haru?”

“Yeah.” Rin swallowed. “You’re Haru enough.”

Haru inhaled deeply and felt a weight lift from his chest.

“This time next year, everything will feel normal again.”

“Yeah,” Haru agreed.

“I’m going to check on Sousuke.” Rin clasped Haru on his shoulder and opened the door. He traded places with Makoto on his way out.

“Is everything okay?” Makoto asked Haru, closing the door.

“Yes.”

“I’m glad.” Makoto touched Haru’s waist and kissed his cheek.

Haru smiled. Everything was different, but everything really was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uplifting chapter, huh? lol.
> 
> I've been promising a rating change for like 2 chapters or so, but I can say for certain that the rating will be changed when I post chapter 10. (I finished my outline so I know this time! lol)


	10. Never too Much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto and Haru going shopping and grow real close

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you EggDropSoup for the beta read :)
> 
> I imagine everyone knows what to expect with that rating change + new tags...so I won't delay 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Enjoy~

**Chapter 10**

The alarm clock woke Sousuke before the sun touched their apartment window. Rin reached out and silenced it. Sousuke snaked his arms around Rin and dragged him back under the cover.

“Oi, Sousuke.” Rin gave a feeble attempt to free himself. “We have to get up.”

“Five more minutes,” Sousuke murmured against the back of Rin’s neck.

“We’ll be late to breakfast.” Rin wiggled and Sousuke tightened his arms. “Damn it. Why are you so strong?”

Sousuke touched his forehead against Rin’s nape and stilled him. “Let’s skip breakfast.”

“Like hell you’d miss a meal.” Rin laughed softly.

“We’ll eat here.”

“We’re not as close to the train. It doesn’t make sense for Makoto and Haru to come here for breakfast.”

“No.” Sousuke pressed his hand to Rin’s sternum and held Rin. “Makoto just got Haru back.”

“So you want them to be alone?”

“And I just got you back, Rin. Let me have one morning.”

“Sou...” Rin twisted in Sousuke’s hold and stared at him. “I—you’re right. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want apologies. I don’t need them.”

Rin smiled and touched Sousuke’s cheek. “Let me text Makoto first, then I’m all yours.”

“Hmm.” Sousuke pulled Rin closer. “Okay.”

“You have to let me go.”

“I refuse.”

Rin laughed and pulled the cover over their heads.

 

* * *

 

Makoto set his phone on the counter. “Rin said everything is fine, but they’re staying home this morning.”

Haru nodded. Their absence didn’t cause concern like Rin’s had the time before. “Just us today.”

“Yeah. I have today off so Sousuke won’t go with you to Pace Labs either.”

“If I have my resident card, do I still need a chaperone?”

“Is Sousuke a chaperone?”

“I can get to Pace Labs myself.”

Makoto’s genuine confusion melted into amusement. “Oh. I just thought you two went the same way. Rin and I travel together until my stop for the fire station.”

“You have a chaperone too.”

Makoto chuckled. “I probably do, but I don’t mind.” He nodded toward the ingredients Haru had gathered. “Do you want help with breakfast?”

“No.”

Makoto laughed and leaned over for a quick kiss. “How about company?” Haru accepted the offer with another kiss.

 

* * *

 

“Everything was so good, Haru.” Makoto set his chopsticks down. Haru estimated he’d finished his portion completely for the first time since Haru’s return. It was a good sign.

“We should stop for groceries today,” Haru said.

“Okay. I thought maybe you should get a new swim suit too.”

“I won’t be swimming.”

Makoto smiled. “Not today, but no one can keep you out of water for long.”

Haru ducked his head, secretly glad Makoto would try to get him back into a pool quickly.

“It’s summer so we won’t need to buy you winter clothes yet,” Makoto said to himself. “We’ll get groceries on the way back.”

Haru watched him think, knowing he would plan their route with a list of stores in mind. He touched his chin and Haru thought about his kisses and the drawings in the third sketchbook.

“Who initiated sex first?”

Makoto looked at Haru, surprised at first, but embarrassment spread slowly across his features. “Um. That’s.” Makoto cleared his throat. “You. You did that too.” He stood abruptly and began to gather the dishes. “I’ll clean up, you get dressed.”

Haru watched Makoto’s retreat into the kitchen. As much as he loved Makoto’s kisses and wanted something more, he would say nothing further about it. He didn’t want Makoto to relive his past with another who looked identical. This time he wanted Makoto to take the step Haru took before.

Haru sighed and hoped his patience would outlast Makoto’s modesty.

 

* * *

 

Makoto stopped and shifted the bags into his other hand. Haru waited. He hadn’t picked out much, but Makoto insisted on a full wardrobe to replace the items boxed and donated. The items included new jammers, art supplies, and toiletries Haru didn’t think mattered.

“Do you mind if we make one more stop, Haru?”

Haru was tired. His muscles ached in a way he wasn’t used to, but he nodded because Makoto wouldn’t have asked if it wasn’t important.

“It’ll be quick,” Makoto promised and directed their route away from the train station.

Haru ignored the weight of exhaustion and followed Makoto without watching his surroundings. Eventually Makoto touched his arm and led him into a store. He directed Haru to a chair and said he could rest.

Too tired from hours at too many stores, Haru didn’t protest when Makoto slipped away. After a few moments, he finally glanced around the store and narrowed his eyes at the merchandise: bedroom furniture and mattresses. He didn’t believe Makoto needed anything displayed here. He searched for Makoto and spotted him with a sales associate. Makoto looked across the store, found his gaze, and smiled.

The smallest moment warmed Haru and lessened his fatigue.

A minute later, Makoto hurried back with an apology and took up the bags he’d left with Haru. “Let’s go home, Haru.”

“Why are we here?”

“Ah. Well.” Makoto urged Haru out of the store and back onto the street. “As much as I’ve enjoyed sleeping beside you on the futon, I think the bed would be better, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

“I just didn’t want to share that bed,” Makoto added quietly.

“Oh.” Haru had had the same thought.

“I’m sorry. It felt weird. And wrong,” Makoto elaborated. “So I ordered a new one. I needed to.”

Haru stopped on the sidewalk and blocked foot traffic. He would never want Makoto to think of a different Haru while sleeping next to him, but would changing just a mattress matter that much? “It’s a lot of money.”

“I needed to,” Makoto repeated.

Haru understood. He could ignore the knowledge that Makoto had shared the bed with another, but Makoto had memories of a different Haru associated with the mattress. “Then it’s fine.”

Makoto’s smile blossomed bright and warm. “Thank you, Haru.”

 

* * *

 

Despite the day of activity taking a toll on his body and Makoto’s insistence on take-out, Haru refused to be persuaded away from preparing dinner. He compromised with a simple recipe that wouldn’t keep him in the kitchen for too long.

Makoto took an empty box around the apartment to clear the last few things Haru had been using that they replaced with new items that day. Haru pretended not to notice Makoto’s frown and lowered energy. The task couldn’t have been easy, but Haru expected he needed to say goodbye to the few remnants of the past alone.

“It smells good.” Makoto appeared in the doorway. His smile was tired but no less warm.

“Are you finished?”

“I think so.” Makoto shifted. “It’s weird. I feel better, but I never thought taking him out of my life would make me feel better.”

“I’m sor—”

“Please don’t say you’re sorry. Not about this.”

Haru left the stove and approached Makoto. “He wasn’t me as I am today, but he was who I would’ve been, so I know he never wanted to leave you. I’m sorry he had to. I’m not sorry I’m here today, giving you a reason to move forward.”

“Thank you, Haru,” Makoto whispered.

Suddenly self-conscious under Makoto’s gentle expression, Haru lowered his gaze and turned away. Makoto reached out and traced his jaw, encouraging him to turn back and face Makoto.

“I love you.”

Makoto’s words left Haru breathless but feeling content in a way only water could. Makoto cupped his face and brought their lips together.

The kiss was gentle and fleeting. Makoto started to pull away too soon, and Haru put his hand over Makoto’s to keep him near for a few moments longer. He felt something missing and opened his eyes. Makoto slipped out of his grasp.

“Your—” Haru stopped himself and instead said, “Dinner will be ready soon.”

“I’ll set the table.” Makoto left the kitchen with a small smile.

Haru looked at his hand and touched his ring finger—the one which was now bare on Makoto’s hand. It was a strange sensation to feel joy and grief for a ring that connected Makoto to another man.

Makoto had taken many steps forward, and Haru hoped none were taken too soon or too quickly.

 

* * *

 

After dinner, Makoto cleaned the kitchen while Haru took his bath. When he finished, Makoto took his bath and left Haru alone to set out the futon. Haru also put away his new art supplies, picked another novel to read from the bookshelf, and organized what he’d need for breakfast the next morning. Their routine felt normal.

“Do you think Sousuke and Rin will join us tomorrow?”

Haru looked at Makoto in the kitchen doorway. His hair was still wet. “Maybe.”

“I hope they’re okay.”

“They’re fine.” Haru closed the fridge and took the towel from Makoto. He draped it over Makoto’s head. “You’ll get sick.”

“It’s summer.”

Haru patted Makoto’s hair until he was satisfied it was dry enough. “You hurry too much. Take time and dry it properly.”

“Thanks.” Makoto touched Haru’s chin. “You’re always looking out for me.”

Haru stepped forward and pushed up on his feet. Makoto understood and met his kiss. Haru circled Makoto’s neck with his arms, parting his lips before Makoto could request it with a swipe of his tongue.

Makoto pulled Haru closer, and Haru shifted his stance, feeling Makoto’s thigh fit between his legs. Intentional or innocent on Makoto’s part mattered very little. A rush of heated desire forced Haru to repeat the contact, but enough humility and modesty made Haru stop short of grinding against Makoto.

He’d always found it easy to ignore any lust he might feel for his best friend, but all barriers had been stripped by fatigue, leaving Haru vulnerable to his own curiosity and Makoto’s unwitting seductions.

“Haru,” Makoto whispered his name and set fire to his skin.

“Makoto, I—” Haru gripped Makoto’s shirt. He couldn’t bring himself to admit what he wanted. It was unfair to Makoto who had only just began to take steps out of grief.

Makoto lowered his hand to the dip of Haru’s back. “Haru.”

His name spoken a little breathy ensured him that Makoto’s reservations were crumbling just as quickly as Haru’s. He reached up, held Makoto’s neck, and kissed him, hoping Makoto would understand his desire without speaking, because he could never put his thoughts to words. He wanted to feel Makoto in a way he never got to before.

Makoto’s tongue slid against his, and Haru felt the shiver that traveled through Makoto’s body. Haru tried to press closer, but there wasn’t any room left between them to squeeze out. He tilted his head and let his fingers wander into Makoto’s hair.

Makoto placed his hands on Haru’s shoulders and abruptly pushed him back. Keeping his hold on Haru, he held him at arm’s length away as Haru studied his wide eyes and quick, heavy breaths.

Haru was now certain he wanted so much more than what Makoto could give. Makoto needed more time. Haru had woken in the same state of mind of waiting on the verge of something happening, but Makoto was no longer pining in silence beside him for a change to their relationship.

“I’m sor—”

“Not like this.” Makoto tightened his hold on Haru’s shoulders. Confusion crossed Haru’s expression, and Makoto continued a bit calmer. “Not in the kitchen. If you’re sure.”

“Sure?”

“I—um. I know.” His existing flush deepened in color. “I know,” he repeated as if it explained everything.

Haru realized it probably did. Makoto couldn’t read his mind, but it appeared that way because Makoto could read him. They had never reached a level of intimacy together for Makoto to read the smallest cues of Haru’s desires, but Makoto had lived it with the Haru he would’ve been.

The thought soured Haru’s mood, but it ultimately didn’t matter. Makoto’s past wouldn’t be changed by Haru’s feelings.

“Was I wrong?” Makoto asked quietly, releasing Haru’s shoulders.

“No.”

Makoto lightly touched Haru’s fingers and smiled in a way Haru didn’t recognize. “Not in the kitchen.”

Haru nodded, stunned by the new expression. Makoto linked their fingers and led Haru the few feet into the bedroom. He hesitated at the bed, but after a moment’s thought, he lowered to the futon and Haru followed. Haru waited, refusing to make anything that could resemble a first move despite every fiber in his being crying out for Makoto’s attention.

Makoto kissed him. Haru leaned into it. It felt right. Haru craved more, but his kiss would be enough for as long as Makoto needed.

Touching his palm to Haru’s chest, Makoto eased him onto his back. He left a kiss on the corner of his mouth and moved on to Haru’s jaw.

“Is this okay?” Makoto whispered with his nose behind Haru’s ear. Haru took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay.” Makoto pressed his lips over Haru’s pulse point and breathed out.

Soon enough, Haru couldn’t fill his lungs quick enough to calm his racing heart, couldn’t concentrate enough to touch Makoto in return, and couldn’t think about anything but Makoto’s lips and tongue finding every sensitive spot on his neck and clavicle. Makoto knew what to do. His attack was swift and had Haru immobilized before Makoto snuck his hand up the front of Haru’s shirt.

The sensations threatened to overwhelm Haru, but before it got to be too much, Makoto withdrew. He paused, rested his chin on Haru’s chest, and smiled. After a moment, Haru lifted his hand and brushed his fingers through Makoto’s hair.

“Are you okay?” Makoto whispered.

Haru rounded the shell of Makoto’s ear with his fingertips, and studied Makoto’s green eyes that he thought maybe had grown a shade brighter than he remembered. “Yes.”

“Is it too much?”

Haru focused on Makoto’s weight and how he purposely kept his body from fully resting on Haru. He’d almost been overwhelmed by new sensations he wanted, but “too much” wouldn’t stop Haru.

“No.”

Makoto chuckled and Haru felt his chest rumble where it touched Haru. That closeness would never be too much.

“Please.” Haru pushed his fingers through Makoto’s hair. “Overwhelm me.”

Makoto’s eyes widened. His shock embarrassed Haru for a brief moment before he smiled that new smile and crawled up to Haru’s mouth. His body fit over Haru’s without crushing him. When his thigh pressed between Haru’s legs once again, Haru gasped into their kiss and clutched Makoto’s shirt.

His own body was as new and unfamiliar to Haru as Makoto’s was. He didn’t know if his reaction was normal or not, but Makoto raised his knee and rubbed his thigh against Haru’s erection like he expected a certain response. Haru’s gasp became a moan, and Makoto’s silence became a hum of approval.

Makoto sat up and eased Haru’s shirt off. He returned to Haru’s neck, but his attentions quickly lowered to Haru’s chest. Haru hissed when Makoto swiped at a nipple with his tongue, but arched up into his mouth when he kissed it. The crowding feeling of becoming overwhelmed crept up once again, but Haru ignored it, and focused on Makoto blazing a trail down his chest and abdomen with his tongue, lips, and occasionally teeth. The gentle nips contrasted the kisses and added fuel to the heat burning just beneath Haru’s skin.

At the end of the trail, Makoto paused and looked up at Haru. The request for permission unmistakable as his fingers played with the hem of Haru’s sweatpants. His mouth was dry, but Haru swallowed anyway and nodded once.

Makoto slipped his hands past the last barrier between them and Haru lifted his hips to assist him siding sweatpants down. Makoto carefully freed Haru’s feet from the articles, and then kissed his way up Haru’s inner thigh.

Makoto had lived this part before. The part of feeling exposed to the person he loved, but it was new territory to Haru. Makoto’s reaction mattered in a way he couldn’t explain or understand.

“I owe Nagisa a thank you,” Makoto murmured almost too quiet for Haru to hear. Haru dropped his head back with a snort. “You’re beautiful, Haru-chan,” Makoto added and Haru lifted his head.

His heart pounded. It wasn’t the declaration of Haru’s beauty that mattered. Makoto smiled the same warm smile that Haru knew was his only to see, and a moment later those lips closed around Haru’s cock. Haru jerked and stifled a noise he couldn’t describe. Makoto was undisturbed by his outcry and movement, continuing down Haru’s shaft.

“Nn.” Haru fell back against the futon. The threat of becoming overwhelmed washed away under Makoto’s tongue, lips, and careful teeth. He wanted more, but Makoto stilled him with a single hand on his hip before he could think about movement.

“Ah.” Haru grasped the futon at his sides. Makoto released Haru’s hip just to wrap his hand around his base. The added coverage pulled additional noises from the back of Haru’s throat he never knew he was capable of producing, but when Makoto licked the slit and sucked the head, all sound capability ceased.

Haru lifted his head just enough to watch Makoto work. The slight curve to the corner of his mouth added further heat to the growing fire. Makoto enjoyed it. He enjoyed Haru’s pleasure. Knowing that fact gathered the heat burning just beneath Haru’s skin into his abdomen.

Makoto ran his palms down Haru’s thighs, and Haru lifted his legs over Makoto’s shoulders. His heels dug into Makoto’s back and dug again when Makoto moaned around his cock. Haru gasped for every breath, stared at the ceiling without focusing, and felt Makoto’s damp hair under his fingers. He was overwhelmed. It felt amazing.

The gathering heat burst, spreading rapidly across his arched body. Makoto’s hand and mouth slowed, gradually taking Haru through his release. Haru fell back against the futon as euphoria settled into his limbs.

Makoto lowered his legs, kissed his inner thigh, and got to his feet. Haru studied his back as he retreated from the room. The sudden loss felt lonely. Haru pushed up to his elbows and watched the door, feeling a tug of guilt. Maybe he had reminded Makoto too much of the other Haru. Maybe Makoto regretted it.

But Makoto returned a moment later with a glass of water and knelt beside him. Haru opened his mouth to ask if his fears were justified, but Makoto cleared his worries with a smile. “Are you okay?”

Haru sat up. The question seemed strange. “Yes.”

“Good.” Makoto took his hand, kissed his palm, and wrapped his fingers around the glass of water. “Drink.”

Haru studied Makoto’s pajamas. “You didn’t—What about you? I could—”

“I did. And I need to change my sweatpants,” Makoto said with a hint of embarrassment. “You were really—um. It was good.” He moved closer and leaned down to kiss Haru, but pulled away. “Oh. You might not like how it tastes.”

Haru blushed and drank his water. “I want to.”

“Hm?”

“To kiss you.”

Makoto studied Haru, smiled, and leaned down to give Haru want he wanted. Haru thought the taste strange but didn’t understand why it would matter.

“I’ll be right back,” Makoto promised and left with a fresh pair of sweatpants.

Haru got dressed in his absence and fixed the futon placement. When Makoto returned, he switched off the light and pulled Haru into his arms.

“It was strange,” Makoto whispered against Haru’s hair.

“What was?”

“I know your body is different.” Makoto smoothed his hand down Haru’s back. “You’re not that Haru, so you shouldn’t have the same body, but I guess I thought it would be more similar than it is. I don’t know if I make sense.”

“How different?”

“You probably know better than me.”

“Right.” Haru pressed closer into Makoto’s embrace and wondered if it should bother him that he hadn’t realized how different his body was.

 

* * *

 

Rin texted in the morning. They wouldn’t be by for breakfast. Makoto pulled Haru back to the futon for ten more minutes of cuddling that resulted in additional dirty laundry.

Haru left the apartment before Makoto and arrived at Pace Labs alone. Instead of Nagisa, Rei greeted him in the lobby. “Nagisa-kun had a late night,” Rei explained. “He’s probably still asleep. Rei-chan-too is with him.”

“He sleeps here?”

“We have a small living quarters on premises.”

Haru walked with Rei to the elevator in silence. When the doors closed on the lift, Haru shifted his gaze to Rei’s reflection in the polished steel.

“My body is different.”

Rei looked up from his phone. “What do you mean?”

That morning, after Makoto extracted himself from Haru to clean up, Haru searched his body. Aside from obvious muscle mass difference, Haru now felt every little foreign part to him. Even the length of his fingers felt wrong. He couldn’t believe he’d been blind to it for over two weeks.

“My body. It isn’t mine.”

“Of course not, Haruka-senpai.” Rei pocketed his phone. “It’s almost impossible to create an exact replica—even through cloning. Genetically speaking, you match your first body, but humans are more complicated than that.”

“But why didn’t I notice until now?”

Rei pushed at his glasses. “My best guess is that your mind superimposed what it knew over your perception of your new body. It interpreted the world around it in a familiar way. But once you couldn’t ignore those changes, or chose not to ignore them, the coping mechanism was removed.”

The doors opened and Haru followed Rei toward his lab. “Do you think that’s really what happened?”

“Of course I do, Haruka-senpai. It’s the only logical explanation. You’ll get used to your new body soon now that the superimposed interpretation is gone. Just like when you lost a tooth as a child, once you stopped prodding the gap, it began to feel normal again.”

“Would my memories be affected by this?”

“No. Your memories are no longer contained in organic matter.” Rei paused at the door and tilted his head. “Although, how you perceive them is still organic and are persuaded by how your mind interprets your surroundings.”

“My memories of my body were different, why wouldn’t my memories of other things be different?”

“I don’t believe your memories of your body were ever altered.” Rei faced Haru with a frown. “Personally, I trust Rei-chan-too’s memory recollection more than my own. A human brain may alter memories over time. A computer will not. You only believe your body was the one you remembered because the human parts of your brain projected memories and covered your perception of the new vessel. I promise you, your memories were not changed.”

Haru sighed. It made sense, but it felt strange to trust something that had tricked him.

“Haruka-senpai, your life going forward will be different from before, but no less worth it. The natural coping mechanism in the human brain might confuse you at times. During those times I suggest you focus on the truths you can’t deny.”

Haru nodded. No amount of coping mechanisms could alter the flutter in his chest for Makoto, or the knowledge of Makoto’s smile directed at him when they’re alone. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more naughty fun times next chapter ᕦ( ՞ ◡ ՞ )ᕤ
> 
> I appreciate your comments. Thank you~! ٩(♡з♡)۶


	11. Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru searches for more superimposed memories, Rin and Sousuke make changes, Haru gets closer to Makoto.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the lovely comments! Each one gives me another push back into the wip. <3
> 
> And a big thank you to EggDropSoup for the beta read :)
> 
> An additional tag added this time. Enjoy~

**Chapter 11**

“Since Haru’s now going places alone, you should get him a phone,” Rin told Makoto during dinner around the kotatsu.

“I don’t need one,” Haru stated.

“You do.” Rin directed his attention at Haru. “It’s 2024. Live in this century.”

“Rin might be right, Haru,” Makoto said. “It’s something to think about.”

“Fine.” Haru found the idea of a phone pointless but would trust Makoto to decide.

Sousuke got to his feet and Rin asked, “Where are you going?”

“To get more rice.”

“Is there more?”

“Should be.”

Rin leaned back and watched Sousuke retreat into the kitchen. “How have we kept you fed for all these years?”

“It’s a mystery,” Sousuke replied.

Haru studied Rin’s profile and wondered if his brain superimposed what he believed he saw as Rin. He’d already noticed the difference in hair length. Either the superimposed memories only happened on Haru’s own body or the three days he spent consciously searching for signs made his brain shut it off.

“What are you staring at?” Rin grumbled, curling his hand around the side of his neck and hunching his shoulders.

“Nothing.” Haru looked down. He couldn’t explain his fears to his friends or to Makoto.

“Damn it,” Rin murmured.

Sousuke sat down and gave him a quelling look. “No one is staring, Rin.”

“I told you, you left a mark. I had to wear my jacket all day around the pool. Everyone noticed.” Rin elbowed Sousuke’s side. “Idiot.” Despite his words, his tone was soft.

“It’s not my fault you bruise like a peach. You need more iron.”

“I have plenty of iron.” Rin nudged Sousuke, making him miss his mouth and jab his cheek with his chopsticks. “We’re now closer to thirty than twenty. It’s gross,” Rin complained.

Sousuke wiped his cheek. “Our age is gross?”

“No. Leaving a mark is gross.”

“Uh. Should we leave?” Makoto asked

“Drop the virgin act, Makoto.” Rin swatted at Sousuke again. “You agree with me, right?”

Makoto’s brow drew together. “I don’t know what mark you’re talking about.”

“Don’t play innocent. You and Haru have been together longer than Sousuke and I—” Rin’s grin wavered and vanished a beat later. “Shit. I’m sorry.”

It didn’t matter to Haru, but the slip changed Rin’s mood and dropped the room into awkward silence.

“It’s fine, Rin,” Makoto finally spoke.

“I guess I forgot,” Rin whispered, sounding astonished and apologetic.

“It’s fine,” Makoto repeated. “I’ve almost done the same.” His smile was reassuring, but Rin’s misery remained unmoved.

“The mark Rin talked about is the one on his neck,” Sousuke explained without raising his gaze from his second helping of rice. “But he told me to bite harder, so it’s his own fault.”

“Sousuke!” Rin covered his neck with his hand and shoved Sousuke’s thigh with his knee. “What the hell?”

“What?” Sousuke smiled and Rin made a noise of frustrated embarrassment. He’d successfully taken Rin’s mind off of his slip up.

Makoto laughed and Haru smiled, sharing his laughter.

 

* * *

 

Haru took a saucer of cream to the porch for Tuna. Despite his earlier offer to help Makoto clean the kitchen, Rin followed him a moment later. Tuna growled softly at their guest but didn’t give up her evening treat.

Rin stepped around her. “I don’t know why cats hate me.”

“Maybe it’s your teeth.”

“Shut up.”

Haru gave Tuna a final rub and joined Rin at the railing. “Did you come out here to tell me something?”

“Yeah.” Rin looked inside at Makoto and Sousuke. “Sousuke and I’ve discussed it, and we won’t come by for breakfast anymore. Our mornings will be for us, and you and Makoto will have more time alone. We also decided dinners together will be only a few nights a week.”

“Are you really okay with that?”

“I am. We were over so often for a reason that doesn’t exist anymore.”

“I understand “

“Be careful with Makoto,” Rin continued, softer than before. “He needs you now more than he needs me or Sousuke.”

Haru looked into the apartment. Everyone around him had changed since his first day back. He remembered Sousuke’s words about Haru holding everyone together, and while he saw the evidence of it, it wasn’t entirely true.

“Thank you for being there for Makoto,” Haru said. “You and Sousuke. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Rin smiled softly and raised his gaze toward the sky. “He means a lot to me too, so you better stay around a long time.”

Haru knew better than to make such a promise, but he wouldn’t let anything take him away from Makoto again. “I will.”

“Good.”

 

* * *

 

Haru studied his reflection in the mirror, traced a finger down the curve of his neck, and pressed the dip between the clavicle bones. He couldn’t remember ever taking notice of his body before, but now even the touch of his fingertips felt foreign.

“Haru?” Makoto knocked on the bathroom door. “Are you okay?”

Haru gave his face a final glance and turned toward the door. Makoto slid it open before he reached for it.

“You’re not dressed.” Makoto grabbed a towel and wrapped it around Haru’s shoulders. “You said something about colds the other day.”

“I’m fine. The water wouldn’t make me sick.”

Makoto chuckled. “That’s good, but dry yourself anyway.”

“Makoto.”

“Hm?” Makoto took a step back to find Haru’s lowered gaze.

“Can I touch you?”

“Do you mean right now in the bath?”

“No.” Haru covered his head with the towel to dry his hair and hide his face from Makoto.

“You can touch me whenever, Haru.”

Makoto’s words were reassuring, but they couldn’t penetrate Haru’s doubts. Twice before when Haru had tried to explore Makoto’s body, Makoto had turned the tables on Haru and preemptively ended his memorization of the parts concealed under clothing and distance.

Haru had enjoyed every interruption, and had no real complaints about Makoto’s experience he lacked, but it began to feel as if Makoto purposely kept his hands on the places he could reach with Makoto’s head between his legs.

“The new mattress arrives tomorrow,” Makoto said. “I took the day off for the delivery.”

Haru moved the towel just enough to peek through it. It wasn’t the last piece of furniture from the past, but it held the most weight from the other Haru. “What time?”

“Afternoon, I think.”

“Okay.” Haru understood now. The block between him and Makoto hadn’t been his new body.

“Do you want to talk about what happened at dinner?”

Haru moved the towel and blocked his eyes from Makoto again. “No.”

Makoto shifted his weight how he did whenever he debated about pushing Haru. Haru rubbed the towel through his hair and waited for him to reach a decision.

“Are you really doing okay, Haru?”

Haru pushed back the towel. The concern in Makoto’s voice sounded worse than usual. He’d need a real answer. “It’s still weird, but I’m fine.”

“Is it something I’ve said? I’ve spoken a lot without thinking first. I know better, but I don’t realize what I’ve said until later.”

“It isn’t you.” Haru caught Makoto’s worried gaze. “I’m fine.”

“You’d tell me if you weren’t?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you. Get dressed. We’ll watch some TV before bed.” Makoto left a chaste kiss on Haru’s lips and retreated out of the room.

Haru brought his fingertips to his lips to feel Makoto’s lingering warmth. He couldn’t shake the feeling of living in foreign skin, but he closed his eyes and focused on the sunny glow inside from Makoto’s love. The temporary discomfort would fade, but Makoto would remain. And Makoto loved Haru despite his body.

Haru took a breath, got dressed, and joined Makoto in the living room.

Makoto smiled and patted the empty space beside him. Haru sat down close enough to brush their legs together. Makoto shifted closer and started the TV show.

The drama bored Haru almost immediately. No ocean. No water. But Makoto was there to capture his interest and prevent him from falling asleep.

Haru traced Makoto’s bicep, finally understanding Gou’s fascination with muscles. By the time the lead character ran to her friend in tears over a boy, Haru had slumped into Makoto’s lap. From his new vantage point he could only touch Makoto’s knee down to his feet. Which weren’t as appealing as his arm, but it would do.

Makoto rested his hand on Haru’s head after Haru slid his hand down Makoto’s shin. Haru closed his eyes. Makoto’s fingers combed through his hair, and Haru slipped his hand up Makoto’s pant leg to find skin.

“Haru, that tickles,” Makoto complained with restrained laughter. Haru rested his cheek on Makoto’s knee and curved his hand around Makoto’s calf muscle. Makoto settled and stroked Haru’s hair. “Are you bored? We could watch something else. Nagisa gave me a documentary about whales a few years ago. I think it’s still in plastic wrap. Sometimes his gifts are jokes I don’t understand, but this one might be okay.”

“No. This is fine.”

“If you’re sure.”

“I am.” Haru closed his eyes, focused on Makoto’s fingers in his hair, and Makoto’s leg under his palm. His last memory of contentment was stored on a computer chip, but Haru had found the sensation again. Differences in himself truly didn’t matter with Makoto.

 

* * *

 

Haru stood in the kitchen, going over ingredients for lunch when the doorbell rang. For a moment he didn’t know what to do. They hadn’t discussed how to handle unexpected guests. Makoto had family who could show up unannounced and they would definitely have questions about Haru.

Makoto rushed by the kitchen and opened the door. Haru then remembered the mattress delivery and relaxed. He listened to Makoto converse in his friendly manner to the deliverymen and a minute later, Makoto stepped into the kitchen.

“They’re going to take the old one out first. There’s no need to help.”

“Okay.” Haru hesitated. “Should I still make lunch?”

“Yes. We’ll eat after they’re done.” Makoto gave Haru’s forearm a gentle squeeze and left to supervise the two deliverymen.

Haru ignored lunch preparation, watching the old mattress leave the apartment, and the new one enter. Makoto followed the men outside. When the door closed, Haru went into the bedroom.

Nothing looked different. Haru touched the mattress. It felt the same.

He ripped open the plastic cover on new sheets, removed the mattress stickers, and made the bed. He had thrown the garbage into the appropriate bins in the kitchen when he heard Makoto return.

Haru met him in the hallway. “Everything okay?”

“Yes. They were very nice. Sorry it took longer than expected. Did you finish lunch?”

“No.”

“I can help.”

Haru shook his head. “There’s no need.”

“Okay.” Makoto kissed his cheek. “I’ll finish laundry.”

Haru went into the kitchen and Makoto headed back to his chore on the patio. The afternoon’s quietness returned. From his position, Haru watched Makoto hang laundry. The clumsy young man who would trip over the basket and slip on the dripping water had been replaced with a cautious man who worked meticulously with each clip, tugging out wrinkles before they could set.

Lunch preparation completely forgotten, Haru watched Makoto work until he started on socks. Makoto had grown up. Haru just hadn’t realized it until in that moment. His brain hadn’t superimposed his memories of Makoto. Instead, Haru had been too distracted by Makoto’s grief to see past it and notice the subtle changes of maturity that happened after five years.

Haru left the kitchen and joined Makoto on the porch.

“Hi, Haru,” Makoto greeted with a blinding smile. “Are you here to help with socks?” He held up a matched pair imprinted with cats. Maturity didn’t necessarily come with plain socks.

“I love you.”

Makoto lowered the socks, caught off guard. The moment his quiet surprise melted into happiness made Haru feel alive.

Haru surged forward and pushed up to kiss him. The heavy scent of laundry filled his nose, but after weeks around the smell, the detergent was familiar. It smelled like Makoto’s clothing and bedding, and Haru couldn’t remember how the old detergent smelled anymore.

“Haru,” Makoto whispered when he pulled back for a breath of air with a tinge of clean linen. Haru tugged Makoto by the front of his shirt inside the apartment. “But the wet clothes, Haru.”

“They’ll wait.”

Makoto’s laughter followed them into the bedroom. Makoto paused, surprised by the sheets. “Did you make the bed?”

“Yes.” And Haru intended to ruin his work.

“Thank you.” Makoto swept down and kissed Haru. Haru reacted, pressing into the kiss and against Makoto’s body. Makoto read his silent request easier than his words.

Starting with Haru’s shirt, Makoto tugged it up and broke the kiss only long enough to pull it over Haru’s head. His jeans went next. Makoto squeezed his hands between their bodies and managed to thumb open the button and nudge the garment to the floor where Haru finished the job without tripping over the pile or Makoto’s feet.

Makoto left an apologetic kiss on Haru’s cheek, and stepped back. He removed his shirt and dropped it. When he started forward, Haru held up his hand and kept him in place.

Makoto’s body was new. Five years older. He’d always carried more muscle than many of their friends, but he’d grown up during the gap of Haru’s memories, and it showed. It was no longer the same Haru had seen countless times before. The present wasn’t altered by superimposed memories.

Haru touched Makoto’s chest, followed the lines and dips with awed fingertips, and tried to commit every inch to memory.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yes!” Haru raised his gaze. “Yes.”

“Good.” Makoto kissed Haru’s neck and distracted him from his task at hand. He’d give himself some time to indulge in whatever it was that Makoto did to him that shot his heartbeat rate up without physical exertion.

He’d never thought his own body lacked anything compared to Makoto’s, but now trapped in a body that wasn’t his, he wondered if the old mattress had really been the only blockade between them.

Makoto’s thigh fitted between his legs, stirring him from his worries.

Haru reached for Makoto and traced the hard outline through his pants. Makoto responded with a kiss Haru surrendered to. It made his fingers dumb and useless. He’d never been clumsy before but felt the touch of embarrassment when he fumbled with Makoto’s zipper again and again. Makoto had freed Haru’s effortlessly, and Haru had perfected the quickest way out of his own pants, so why did he struggle to remove Makoto’s?

He jerked away from Makoto’s kiss and figured out the puzzle of Makoto’s jeans. Two buttons. Why were there two buttons?

“Hold on.” Makoto assisted Haru and wiggled out of the last of his clothes. Haru glared at the garment a moment longer before he switched his gaze to the proof of Haru’s appeal between Makoto’s legs. His cock arched beautifully and smeared liquid where it touched Makoto’s stomach. Haru wrapped his hand around it and covered Makoto’s gasp with his mouth.

Haru’s body wasn’t his own, but as long as Makoto didn’t care, Haru would try not to worry about it.

Makoto directed Haru to the bed. He knelt over Haru for a moment and began to kiss and lick a path down Haru’s chest.

“No.” Haru pushed to his elbows and Makoto sat back, confused and concerned.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want—” Haru searched for the best way to explain himself, and failed at eloquence. “I want to have sex.”

Makoto blinked once, twice, and laughed. “I had to apologize a lot for you when we were younger, but I love your bluntness, Haru-chan.” He moved up and kissed Haru’s collarbone. “Are you sure?”

Haru took a breath. “Yes. Are you?”

Makoto rested his cheek against Haru’s chest. His silence didn’t hold sadness, but an unspoken goodbye weighed it down. “Yes.” Makoto turned his head and smiled at Haru. “How do you want me?”

Haru’s breath caught. He had no idea. Did it matter? “I don’t know.”

“Hm.” Makoto crawled up to Haru’s mouth but didn’t kiss him. “I think I know.” He pressed his hips down, rubbing their cocks together. Haru arched into the contact. He liked that. He filed it away for next time.

“I’ll be right back.” Makoto slipped away from Haru, covered himself with his discarded shirt, and left the room.

Haru adjusted his position on the bed and waited. Makoto returned quick enough.

“It’s over two years old, but it should be okay.” Makoto kneeled beside Haru, holding a small plastic bottle. “If it isn’t, we’re not—”

“It’s fine.”

Makoto chuckled and opened the cap. “I’ll make Haru happy.”

Haru watched Makoto coat his fingers in the clear lubricate. He understood the procedure but the experience would be new. Briefly he wondered if his body would cause a problem. He hadn’t been approved to swim or run long distances yet, and explaining an injury during sex to Nagisa would be out of the question.

“Ready?” Makoto asked.

Haru nodded and shifted to accommodate Makoto’s large frame back between his legs. Makoto kissed his inner thigh and pressed his finger against Haru’s opening. He flinched at the coldness. Makoto whispered an apology on his skin, and pressed inside.

The single digit felt strange, but the discomfort could be ignored. Haru breathed out. He’d expected worse.

Worse happened with two fingers. Haru inhaled deeply, focused on Makoto mouthing a sensitive spot on his thigh, and relaxed under Makoto’s gentleness. Eventually, the pain subsided completely. Makoto twisted his fingers and searched for the right angle. He brushed the spot and Haru gasped, bucking once into Makoto’s hand.

With the location discovered, Haru had a better time with Makoto’s third finger despite the flare of pain with the stretch.

“Makoto, I—” Haru lost his thought, unable to focus with Makoto pumping his fingers into him.

“Hm?” Makoto kissed his neck. “Okay, Haru.” He withdrew carefully and Haru breathed out. Anticipation mixed with the lingering pleasure filling his blood. Makoto asked him again if he was ready, but this time the question was silent. Haru nodded.

Haru made his body relax and focus on Makoto easing his cock inside. He squeezed his eyes shut, forcing himself to ignore the pain of the uncomfortable and new stretch. He wanted it. He wanted nothing more in that moment than to have Makoto inside.

Makoto paused twice, giving Haru time to adjust. When he was fully seated, he stopped and Haru opened his eyes.

Ah. There was that smile of Makoto’s that stole Haru’s breath and gathered heat under his skin. It was intimate. Haru’s secret privilege. It was beautiful in its sincerity of joy and love. And it was unfair. The smudge of a broken heart cracked the perfection. Marred by grief Makoto never should have known.

Haru touched the corner of Makoto’s mouth, transforming the smile into a grin just before his finger slipped past Makoto’s lips. Haru swallowed his groan of surprised enjoyment and relished in another Makoto expression he’d only witnessed during board games when things got intense.

“Ready?”

Haru barely registered Makoto’s question. His breath came shallow but fast, silencing his voice. He nodded instead and moved his hands to Makoto’s shoulders.

Makoto withdrew, slow but deliberate. Haru dropped his head back with a shuddering gasp. It hurt, but not enough to give up learning a side of Makoto he’d only caught glimpses of in a sketchbook.

“Is it o—?”

“Fine,” Haru gasped. “Good.”

Makoto slipped his hands down to Haru’s lower back and used shallow thrusts until he was once again seated fully inside. The short, slow roll of his hips eased the remaining pain away and sparked with pleasure.

“Nn—!” Haru grabbed Makoto’s arms and pushed his hips to meet him. Makoto’s muscles flexed under Haru’s grasp and his movement picked up speed.

Haru wrapped his legs high around Makoto, and Makoto bent him forward enough to bring his head within Haru’s reach. Haru pushed his fingers into Makoto’s hair. He used to watch Ran apply clips and braids to it with a hint of envy, and now he had the soft locks in his hands and Makoto’s smile directed at him. Haru shuddered, feeling a rush of heat through his veins.

Makoto tucked his head next to Haru’s ear. “Come for me, Haru.”

The whispered words were too filthy for Makoto’s mouth. They sent a shiver of pleasure down Haru’s body. Once it collided with the gathered warmth, Haru felt himself fall away.

His orgasm pulled his body tight against Makoto and strangled Makoto’s name into an incomprehensible word. Makoto pressed his mouth against Haru’s jaw, riding out Haru’s fall into euphoria. The heat inside from his release added a spike of pleasure to Haru’s.

It went beyond physical forces. None of it would matter if it wasn’t Makoto.

Haru combed his fingers into Makoto’s hair and drew him closer for a gentle and slow kiss filled with a promise. Haru would erase Makoto’s heartache and bring back the full radiance to his smile. Whether or not Makoto understood Haru’s thought didn’t matter. Haru would follow through regardless.

 

* * *

 

Sousuke opened his locker in the back of the police station, removed his bag with a change of clothes, and checked his phone for messages. He frowned at the two missed calls from an unlisted number followed by sixteen from Rin’s. It couldn’t be good news.

He called Rin who answered after the first ring. “We have a problem.”

“What?”

“Did you check your voicemail or read any of your texts?”

“No. Why?”

“Someone’s in town tonight.”

Sousuke frowned. Usually it wouldn’t be a problem, but the unexpected guest believed Haru was dead. “Kisumi’s in Tokyo? Tonight?”

“Yeah. He called the school looking for me because I didn’t answer my phone. The idiot said it was an emergency to get the office to find me.”

“You talked to him?”

“Yeah. He wants to hang out with us. I told him to wait, but he was already on his way to Makoto’s.”

“You didn’t stop him?”

“I can’t leave yet, and you try stopping Kisumi with only words.”

“Did you call Makoto?”

“Of course I called Makoto! He’s not answering. I even called Nagisa to intercept Kisumi, but he said something about a liver and hung up on me!”

“It’s fine.”

Rin scoffed. “You really think it’s fine for Kisumi to see a dead person in Makoto’s apartment?”

Sousuke grunted and shouldered his bag. He’d have to change later. “I’m on my way to Makoto’s right now. When can you meet me there?”

“I don’t know. What are you going to tell him?”

“I’ll think of something. Get there as soon as you can.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Kisumi and Haru's sass around him. It's something to look forward to.
> 
> I think this is the second chapter in a row to be below the baseline of angst and sadness. I spoil you readers ;)
> 
> Thanks for reading! ٩(♡з♡)۶


	12. Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kisumi visits. Haru and Makoto make plans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I normally post a new chapter after I reply to comments from the prior chapter but I wanted 12 up. I'll reply to comments on 11 soon. I love comments and want to show my appreciation with a reply. Just give me a bit of time.
> 
> thank you to EggDropSoup for the beta read and for helping me figure out what to do with chapters 12 and 13 ;)
> 
> I split 12 into two chapters to flow better. that means chapter 13 will be posted quicker!

**Chapter 12**

Makoto rubbed Haru’s scalp, slowing working the shampoo to the roots. The quiet bliss of a post-sex bath had always been Makoto’s favorite.

“My hair is fine,” Haru argued with a hint of petulance Makoto found to be just the right amount of cute.

“Once we’re clean, I promise we’ll sit in the bath for as long as you want.”

“Really?”

“Hmm.” Makoto thought better of it. “We’ll have to get out eventually, so maybe not as long as you want.”

Haru accepted the deal and rinsed out the shampoo himself.

“Are you in pain?”

Haru shut off the spray and looked at Makoto. “Not really.”

It wasn’t entirely a lie, but Makoto spotted the subtle flinch of a covered truth. “It’s okay if you are.”

Haru blew out a breath. “It’s nothing more than the usual soreness.”

“Are you sure?” Makoto didn’t want to press, but he knew how Haru could be. “It was your first time. It’s a normal reaction. I know.”

Haru squeezed water out of his bangs. “You know?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.” Haru contemplated a moment longer. “It might be worse tomorrow morning, but I’m okay.”

“Good.” Makoto kissed his lips. “Start the bath.” Haru’s eyes lit up and he turned to the tub, but the doorbell sounded before he could touch the faucet. The bathroom door took the brunt of his annoyed glare.

“It’s probably Rin or Sousuke,” Makoto said, reaching for a towel.

“Then ignore it.”

“They have a key, and they don’t need to catch us naked. I’ll go let them him.” Makoto finished a quick pat down and slid open the door. “Be right there!” he shouted.

“Should I wait?”

“If you want. They won’t stay long,” Makoto promised and pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a shirt. “I’ll be right back.”

He closed the door and rushed down the hall. “Sorry!” He unlocked and opened the front door. “Thanks for wait—ing?”

“Makoto!”

“Kisumi?” Makoto glanced down Kisumi’s black tie and white shirt with a golden pair of wings over the left breast pocket, and noticed the rolling luggage at his side. “What are you—?”

“I’m happy you’re home. It’s good to see you!” Kisumi moved faster than Makoto could react. His hug was friendly and short. When Makoto was released, Kisumi had pushed him back into the entryway.

“Wait a minute, Kisumi.” Immobilized by manners, Makoto could only watch him place his luggage into the corner, fold his suit jacket over it, and shut the door behind him.

“I tried calling everyone,” Kisumi said with a sigh of relief. “When did Sousuke transfer to a different police box?” He sat down on the step and untied his shoes.

“Um. Last year. I think. I don’t remember.” Makoto glanced in the direction of the bathroom and tried to sift through foggy memories.

Had Kisumi been at Haru’s funeral service? Had he sent Makoto condolences after? He couldn’t remember the last time they spoke. There was a gap of two years where time had blurred together and cast a shadow on the years before.

“Wow. Your apartment is so cozy!”

“T-thank you.” Makoto snapped out of his thoughts and hurried after Kisumi who had ventured into the living room.

“Last time I visited, everything was in boxes.”

“You came to this apartment?”

“Yes.” Kisumi bent down and placed his captain cap on the kotatsu. “I carried furniture with Sousuke. You and your glasses friend moved boxes.”

“That’s right. We had just moved in.”

“It must have been four years ago by now.”

“Yeah. At least.” Makoto watched the hall for Haru. Panic threatened to sweep in. He hoped Haru had decided to wait in the bathtub.

“Wow. Is this recent?” Kisumi faced Makoto from the bookshelf, holding the framed photograph Nagisa had taken the week before in Pace Labs of Makoto and Haru.

Panic touched down.

“Ah! That’s um—”

“Haru looks a lot better,” Kisumi said with a soft smile. He studied the picture a moment longer and returned it. “He was sick the last time I saw him.”

“He—” Makoto paused. Kisumi didn’t know.

“Kisumi?” Haru’s voice drew their attention. Makoto spotted the panic in his blue eyes, and knew it was caused by more than his usual aversion of their old classmate.

“Haru!” Kisumi danced around Makoto. Dumbstruck, Haru accepted Kisumi’s hug with only a faint sour expression. “You look really healthy. I’m so happy you’re doing okay.”

“I—” Haru glanced at Makoto. The question that lingered between them had no answer. Makoto didn’t know how to handle the situation. “I’ll get us drinks.”

“Thanks, Haru.” Kisumi released him and turned back to Makoto.

“So, why are you in Tokyo?” Makoto asked to distract Kisumi from the glare Haru directed at his back.

“I took over for a colleague who missed his flight,” Kisumi said with a faint laugh.

“How does the pilot miss the flight?”

“That’s why I filled in. The plane must go. I had a day layover in Nagoya, but Tokyo seemed like a better place to stay a night, so I filled in. Tomorrow I’ll hop on a flight back to Nagoya and pick up my usual route.” Kisumi sat down at the kotatsu. “Are you still a fireman?”

“Yes.”

“And Haru?” Kisumi raised his voice a little so it would carry into the kitchen.

“He’s unemployed right now,” Makoto answered, expecting Haru’s reply to be snipped and unsavory.

“No chef work?”

Makoto sighed. “It’s complicated.” Kisumi nodded. Makoto knew he couldn’t possibly understand, but allowed him to believe so.

“It’s nice to see you guys still together.”

“Thanks. How’s your—”

Haru entered with a tray and set it into the table. More like dropped it from a few centimeter above. It clattered but nothing spilled.

“Barley tea.” Haru looked at Makoto. His expression carried irritation over the missed bath—among other things.

Makoto gave him an apologetic smile in return. “Thank you, Haru.” He sat across from Kisumi and tugged at Haru’s wrist until he joined them. “How long are you in Tokyo?” he asked Kisumi.

“Just until the morning.” Kisumi picked a glass from the tray. “Thank you for the tea, Haru. I’m sorry I showed up unannounced.”

Haru narrowed his eyes. It wasn’t like Kisumi to apologize, but he wasn’t a teenager anymore.

“It’s okay,” Makoto said.

“I’m a little surprised to see you, Haru. Ah! But I’m happy,” he added quickly.

Makoto felt Haru’s cold mood worsen beside him, but he could only ignore it for now. “Why are you surprised?”

“There’s a rumor he’s dead.”

“Rumor?”

“The last time I visited family, I stopped by the swim club Hayato went to, and I ran into Asahi. You remember Asahi Shiina, right?”

“Yes.” They were only briefly on a swim team together in middle school, but Makoto remembered.

“We went out drinking. He suddenly tells me ‘Haru’s dead!’ Just like that. Like he’d just remembered it. But he was drunk and couldn’t tell me any details. The next morning I found the Nanase family grave, but Haru’s name wasn’t included. I assumed Asahi was wrong. I’m glad he is.”

“Oh,” Makoto whispered.

“You didn’t call Makoto?” Haru said—accused. “Or Rin?”

Kisumi smiled sadly, unoffended by Haru’s tone. “I was afraid Asahi was right.”

“It’s okay you didn’t check with us,” Makoto tried to smooth over any insult caused by Haru. Kisumi’s failure to check about Haru’s death worked in their favor for now.

“I haven’t talked to any of you in so many years,” Kisumi sighed. “After I moved to Chitose, I got busy with my career and family, and my regular flight route doesn’t make a stop in Tokyo.”

“Oh!” Makoto remembered something. “You have a daughter.” He felt Haru’s questioning gaze on him, but Kisumi smiled and reached for his phone in his pocket.

“We had a boy last August too.” Kisumi turned the phone and showed a picture of a toddler and infant with their mother.

Haru leaned in to get a better look. “You’re married?”

“Yes. You were at the wedding, Haru,” Kisumi whined without insult.

Haru looked at Makoto again.

“I think it was in the spring after your scan,” Makoto explained. “We visited the twins and my parents on the same weekend.”

“Oh.”

“Scan?” Kisumi asked then waved his hand to dismiss his question. “Do you still see Rin and Sousuke?”

“Yes,” Makoto answered. Haru took Kisumi’s phone and swiped through the photographs. “Once they’re off work, I’m sure they’d like to see you too, Kisumi.”

Kisumi watched Haru look through his camera roll. He smiled and shifted his gaze to Makoto. “Next time I see Asahi, I’ll let him know he’s been mourning for no reason.”

“Uh.” Makoto frowned. He wasn’t sure how to approach the situation, and Haru was too distracted by pictures of Kisumi’s family to help. A familiar knock on the door offered salvation. Haru didn’t budge, so Makoto excused himself.

When he opened the door for Sousuke, he saw the worry in his brow and knew why he was out of breath. “Did you run here, Sousuke?”

“Yes. Rin got a call from”—his gaze fell to Makoto’s side—”Kisumi.”

“Sousuke!” Kisumi trotted down the hall and took Makoto’s spot in front of Sousuke. “Ooh, did you come directly from work? You look scary in uniform.” He poked Sousuke’s chest. “Do you wear a stab vest?”

“Yes.” Sousuke dropped his bag on the floor next to Kisumi’s luggage. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m visiting for the night. Where’s Rin?”

“You know he’s at work.”

“Don’t be mean, Sousuke. We haven’t seen each other in years.”

“You’re right. Sorry. How’s your family?”

“Everyone’s healthy.”

“Good.” Sousuke sighed and gave Makoto a questioning glance. That was apparently all the small talk he could muster.

“Kisumi heard a rumor that Haru died,” Makoto explained the situation without revealing too much. Sousuke nodded once and bent to unite his boots.

Haru joined everyone and returned Kisumi’s phone. “Someone’s calling you.”

“Oh!” Kisumi checked the screen and took the call in the living room.

“What do we tell him?” Makoto asked quietly.

“To leave,” Haru suggested.

“Haru, that’s not helpful.”

“Call Rei,” Sousuke instructed, offering his phone to Haru.

Haru nodded and slipped into the bedroom with Sousuke’s phone. Makoto sighed. Hopefully Rei would know what to do.

“I think we should tell him,” Sousuke said. “How far it goes is up to Kisumi’s ability to keep a secret and Haru’s own wants. Have you two talked about telling anyone?”

“Not really. Haru said no one else matters.”

“Yeah.” Sousuke crossed his arms. “Well, one more person knows. Kisumi won’t do something stupid, but I don’t know if he’ll believe it, and that’s more dangerous.”

“Something stupid?”

“There aren’t existing laws against what Rei and Nagisa did since no one has created a full grown human this way before, but it isn’t exactly legal either. As it stands now, Haru is property and belongs to Pace Labs as much as the equipment used to create him. If his existence is determined to be inappropriate, the repercussions would be more costly than a few fines.”

“Oh.” Makoto understood. It was Rei’s technology, but the program could be terminated. “If Kisumi understood, I think he’ll stay quiet.”

“I agree.”

Haru returned and offered Sousuke’s phone. “Rei said he’s on his way.”

“Our apartment’s going to be full tonight,” Makoto said and Haru sighed.

 

* * *

 

“Have I explained everything clearly, Shigino-san?” Rei sat back after his lengthy explanation, interrupted only a few times by Sousuke to remind him to keep everything simple and easy to understand.

“I guess so.” Kisumi leaned into his hand, elbow propped up on the kotatsu.

“You need to keep this to yourself,” Sousuke said from where he stood near the patio door. The threat was evident in his tone, but Kisumi smiled in return.

“I’m happy Haru isn’t dead.”

“Technically speaking, Haruka-senpai is dead,” Rei jumped in. “This Haruka-senpai is a copy of him from a moment in time. I thought I explained—”

“If he has his brain, then he’s not dead.” Kisumi turned his smile onto Rei. “Even if that brain is on a computer chip.”

“It’s more complicated than that,” Rei murmured.

“I know it is.” Kisumi dropped his hand away. “What happens if Haru dies again?”

“What do you mean?”

“Does he start over from the date of the scan again? How many times can you bring him back? One more? Two more? Indefinitely?”

“Never again,” Haru spoke for the first time since Rei’s arrival.

“Haru?” Makoto whispered.

“I don’t want to adjust to this another time. My scan won’t be used again.”

A frown replaced Kisumi’s good-natured smile. “How can you make that decision for the Haru you’d be from the scan?”

Haru’s eyes widened for just long enough for Makoto to catch before he turned his head with a soft noise of annoyance. “My scan won’t be used again,” he repeated.

Kisumi’s smile returned and he nodded once. “I guess it doesn’t matter. I’m glad you’re alive, Haru.”

“Do you accept him as Haruka-senpai?” Rei asked, slightly surprised. “No one else reached a decision this quickly.”

“I don’t see a reason I should separate this Haru from that Haru over a body, five years, and a potential for immortality. I might think differently about it if we spoke more often, but simple is best right now, and that means Haru’s alive and himself.”

“Simple is good,” Makoto agreed. Kisumi was a friend, but he had a life far away from theirs. It hardly mattered what he thought about Haru.

“It must’ve been terrible without Haru, Makoto.” Kisumi’s sympathy stung in the same way all sympathy had for almost two years, but Makoto accepted it with a polite smile. “I’m sorry I didn’t know. I’m glad you two are together again. It just wouldn’t be right to have one without the other.”

“Thank you Kisumi,” Makoto said. “You won’t tell anyone?”

“I won’t. You’ve asked me not to, and it isn’t something anyone would believe anyway.” Kisumi tilted his head and his hair fell across his forehead. “I never expected this when I took the extra flight to see old friends.”

“I don’t think anyone would.”

 

* * *

 

The tub offered little room, but the closeness was wanted. Makoto nestled his nose against the back of Haru’s neck and breathed in. Beneath the scent of soap, he smelled like this Haru. Unique. Different. Good.

By the time Kisumi left with Sousuke and plans for a few drinks with Rin, it was already past dinnertime. Kisumi’s acceptance had been easy. One more step forward. But something bothered Haru. He hadn’t said anything, but Makoto didn’t need words to understand.

“It was weird seeing Kisumi,” Makoto broke the comfortable silence. “But it was nice to catch up.”

“Why isn’t my name on my family grave?”

Makoto turned his head and rested his cheek on Haru’s shoulder. So that’s what bothered him. “It’s on mine.”

“Yours?”

“You were a part of the Tachibana family by then.”

“Rei said we weren’t married.”

“It didn’t matter.”

Haru leaned back into Makoto’s embrace. “Your family was okay with it?”

“My parents suggested it before Haru died. He seemed really happy about it.”

“Should we tell them?”

Makoto held Haru closer. “If you want to, we will.”

“Will they be okay with it?”

“I think so. Everyone else has accepted it.”

Haru intertwined their fingers under the water. “We were family?”

“Yes.”

“But I’m not the same.”

Makoto squeezed Haru’s hand. “That doesn’t matter. A hundred different bodies wouldn’t change anything.”

Haru breathed out and relaxed. “I want to tell them.”

“We’ll plan a trip and do it in person.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kisumi wasn't so bad, was he? ;)
> 
> Thanks for reading!! <3


	13. How it Used to be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It couldn't stay sunshine and kittens forever.

**Chapter 13**

Makoto watched Haru pour cream into a saucer and return it to the fridge. His movements were graceful even during a seemingly mundane task.

“You’re still feeding that cat?” Rin leaned against the half wall that opened into the kitchen. “It isn’t even yours.”

“I spoke to her owner. It’s fine.” Haru dismissed Rin’s concerns with an even tone that matched the Haruka Nanase he shared a past with.

Haru crossed the room to the back door with a gait only slightly off from the one Makoto remembered. Makoto didn’t believe it fair or right, but differences between the two Harus were no longer easily ignored.

“Makoto,” Rin repeated his name and pulled him out of his thoughts. Makoto murmured an embarrassed apology. Sousuke gave the two a look from the kotatsu but stood and joined Haru outside.

“Do you want to wash or dry?” Rin asked with a nod toward the kitchen.

“Oh. I’ll wash.” Makoto entered the kitchen and started on the stack of dishes from dinner. Rin joined him.

“Haru said you two plan to tell your parents.”

Makoto caught the underlying concern in his voice. Two days ago, Kisumi had been the first outside of the group to be told. He’d accepted it well, but his life wouldn’t be affected by Haru’s new circumstances. Whether Haru lived or died mattered little to Kisumi’s life or emotional state.

But Makoto’s family had loved Haruka. They had welcomed him into the family without hesitation or prompting. Makoto believed they’d accept Haru just as Makoto had, but a chance—no matter how small—existed that his parents wouldn’t.

Rin was right to worry.

“Haru wants to.”

“Do you?”

“I do. However, if Haru had decided not to, I would be fine with that as well.”

Rin began to dry a rinsed bowl. “That’s good.”

Makoto paused and glanced at the patio where Haru crouched between Tuna and Sousuke. When he stood, he shifted his weight to his left foot, toward Sousuke. His body was new and foreign, which resulted in a different walk and stance. This Haru looked like Haruka, but the many subtle ways in which he had changed piled high.

“Rin.” Makoto lowered the scrub brush and last dirty bowl. “You had relationships before Sousuke, right?”

“It depends on what you call a relationship.” Rin chuckled at a joke Makoto didn’t want him to expand on. “Why?”

“Did you compare anyone to Sousuke?”

“Sure. In the beginning.” Rin stacked the bowl and reached for another. “Isn’t it a normal part of the adjustment period?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Oh. Right. Haru was your first and only, and knowing you, you probably memorized every freckle and hair on his body.”

Makoto smiled in silent confirmation and began washing again. Rin checked on Haru and Sousuke through the glass door. Makoto rinsed the remaining bowls before he spoke again.

“But now that body isn’t the same.”

Makoto made a soft noise of confirmation.

“You’re comparing Haru to, uh—”

“Haruka,” Makoto supplied.

“Yeah. Haruka.” Rin blew out a frustrated breath and began drying again. “The comparison between Haru and Haruka isn’t the same you’d do with a new relationship with different people. Haru _is_ Haruka, but he’s also not.”

“I know,” Makoto whispered. “It isn’t fair to him, but I can’t help myself. I view them as individuals, so it feels wrong when I notice that Haruka acted or reacted differently. It shouldn’t matter.”

“It’ll take time, but eventually you won’t think about how it used to be.”

“How can you be so sure?”

Rin looked up once again to Haru and Sousuke on the patio. Tuna had crawled up to Sousuke’s shoulders. Rin smiled at his distressed expression. “If my prior lover had been a different version of Sousuke, I imagine I’d expect things to be the same and be surprised when they weren’t. It’s fucked up, but you’re not doing anything wrong, Makoto.”

“I feel like I am.”

“Do you wish Haru had the same body?”

“No. I like that they’re unique.”

Rin smiled. “Then you’re handling it how you should be.”

 

* * *

 

The scratch of pencil on paper greeted Makoto in the morning. The sound of Haru sketching had been something he thought he’d never wake up to again. He opened his eyes and flexed his fingers out, brushing Haru’s forearm. The sound ceased.

“What are you drawing?” Makoto asked.

“You.”

“Me?” Makoto pushed up to his elbow, kissed Haru’s shoulder, and looked at his unfinished likeness in the sketchbook. The style was similar, but it didn’t match Haruka’s work from before. “It’s good, Haru.”

“I’ve practiced.” Haru flipped through rough sketches of Makoto, Nagisa, and Rei. His progress was evident. “I knew how, but my hand wouldn’t do what I wanted. It was the same when you took me swimming.”

“Muscle memory.” Makoto was reminded of Haruka’s frustration when he began to lose coordination. The situation was in reverse now, but the silent resentment Haru had for his own body was the same.

“Is that the fourth sketchbook?”

“Yes.” Haru tilted the cover and flipped to the first six pages filled with unsteady, messy sketches of Makoto. “It isn’t mine, but it felt right.”

“You share a connection. One ending is another beginning.”

“Morbid.”

Makoto chuckled. “I didn’t mean for it to be.”

Haru closed the sketchbook. “Do you want breakfast?”

“Maybe later.” Makoto smoothed the back of his fingers down Haru’s arm. Haru was softer. His skin newer and undamaged by the summer sun. “Unless you’re hungry now.”

Haru studied the early morning light bleeding through the blinds. “I’m fine staying in bed.”

Makoto rested his cheek against Haru’s shoulder and breathed in his scent unique to this Haru. Lazy Sunday mornings had been a distance memory. Makoto had believed it would hurt to remember the ones spent with Haruka before, but the debilitating pain that would accompany every memory had turned into a bearable ache that lessened each day.

Remembering that the two were separate individuals had been difficult at first. Makoto would catch himself bewildered at the ghost of Haruka in the apartment only to catch and swallow the thought.

Haruka was dead. Makoto had understood it for a long time, but accepting it meant letting go. He was ashamed to admit he couldn’t have taken that step without this Haru giving him a reason to let go. While he still loved Haruka, he loved Haru with the same passion.

“Makoto.”

“Hm?” Makoto slipped his hand down Haru’s back.

“You said my body was different.”

“Yeah.” Makoto rested his hand in the dip of Haru’s back. “It’s good. I prefer it this way. You’re you.”

Haru turned and looked at Makoto. “I want to know the differences.”

When he was younger Makoto would’ve blushed if he had to admit he took notice of Haru’s body, but he’d reached a level of comfort with maturity. “You have less hair.”

“What else?”

“Hm. You have a new walk, and you favor your left side when you shift your weight.”

“Oh.” Haru nodded. “I hadn’t noticed.”

Makoto took back his hand and sat up. “We shouldn’t focus on the changes. I’m sorry.”

Haru rolled to his back. “I want to know.”

“But I don’t want to compare you two anymore, Haru.”

Haru sat up and leaned toward Makoto. “It’s fine.”

“How long do you think it’ll take me to feel like I’ve moved on?” Makoto whispered. “How long until how you walk doesn’t remind me that I lost you?”

Haru slipped his arms around Makoto’s shoulders and rested their foreheads together. “It’ll take as long as it needs.”

“Thank you, Haru.” Makoto sighed and lowered his face to the crook of Haru’s neck.

Haru’s pushed his fingers in his hair. The sensation was a familiar comfort with a foreign touch. Eventually, Makoto would grow used to Haru’s way and forget about Haruka’s.

“I had a mole,” Haru said softly. Makoto held still, listening to Haru breathe, and waited for him to continue. “It was on the inside of my hip bone where my swimsuit covered. I only remember it because you once thought it was chocolate.”

Makoto chuckled. He had forgotten about that. “We were so young then.”

“I thought it was strange Makoto thought I’d have chocolate on me. I didn’t like chocolate even then.”

Makoto sat up with a deeper laugh. “I was equally confused about why Haru had chocolate down his swim suit.”

Haru touched Makoto’s cheek and smiled softly. “That mole is gone now. When I realized it, I understood.”

“Understood?”

“I can’t change the fact that my body isn’t the same, but even without a mole you thought was chocolate, you’ll still love me.”

Makoto breathed out what felt like a dissolving weight. “You’re right, Haru. I’d love you no matter what.”

“A hundred different bodies,” Haru repeated Makoto’s words from three days earlier.

“Yes.”

Haru’s lips curled into a gentle smile that was big for Haru standards. He was happy, which made Makoto forget his concerns. He kissed Haru and tasted the sweetness of his smile.

 

* * *

 

It took Makoto six days after Kisumi’s visit to gather his courage and ask his parents for a date to visit. He hadn’t talked to them since June. After an hour discussion, Makoto had a timeframe to arrange time off and travel. Rei expressed concern about airport security, so the trip would have to be by train, which increased the travel time.

“We can just tell them over the phone.” Haru frowned at the computer screen.

“We could.” Makoto mirrored his expression. “But I think it’s better in person.”

“We’ll need Rei to explain it.”

“We’ll rehearse with him and Nagisa to have all the facts right. You want to see them, don’t you?”

Haru sighed and nodded. He didn’t think he would care, but he did. “Yes.”

“Don’t worry. They’ll be happy to see you.”

“Will the twins be there?”

“Mom said they should be.”

Haru nodded again. “Okay.”

“We have three weeks. I should be approved the time off at work by then. We can stay a few days.”

Haru studied the train route on Makoto’s laptop. Plans were in motion and he wanted to see Makoto’s family in Iwatobi, but it seemed like too big of a hassle and made the thought of staying home with Makoto sound like the better idea. Just the sight of the itinerary made him exhausted.

“Are you okay, Haru?”

Haru rubbed his temple where a sharp pain had started. “Headache.”

“I think we have aspirin tablets.”

“I just need water.” Haru stood up and shuffled toward the kitchen. The room tilted and he fell against the wall, confused by the movement.

“Haru?”

Haru straightened and looked back at Makoto who had raised half-way from the kotatsu. He wanted nothing more than to ensure Makoto that he’d only tripped, but his legs felt too heavy and the pain in his temple spiked.

“Mako—” Haru slid down to the floor. Makoto was at his side before his knees hit the wood.

Haru grasped at Makoto’s shirt, struggling against the blackness edging in on his vision. He couldn’t leave Makoto again. He wouldn’t. He struggled to stay awake, but his grip slipped and he fell forward against Makoto and into darkness.

 

* * *

 

Haru woke to a faint, steady beeping and white ceiling tiles. He blinked, waiting for his vision to focus and listening to muted voices fade in and out.

_“...not your fault.”_

_“...failure in the scaffolding...”_

Haru glanced down and found Makoto with his head resting on folded arms at his bedside. He reached out and touched his hair. Makoto stirred and sat up, rubbing his eye.

He noticed Haru and pushed to his feet. “Haru! Do you feel okay?”

Haru wasn’t sure how to answer, but he nodded anyway. “What happened?”

“You fainted.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.” Makoto glanced toward the door and back to Haru. “They haven’t told me.”

“How long?”

“It’s been two days.”

“Oh.” Haru looked around the room and recognized it as one of Rei’s extra laboratories. He felt groggy, but nothing seemed wrong.

“Nanase-san is awake,” Rei-chan-too said, muffled by distance. A moment later, Rei and Nagisa entered.

“Haru-chan!” Nagisa reached the bed first and gripped the sidebar. “I’m so sorry.”

“What happened?” Haru asked.

“You lost consciousness,” Rei supplied.

“Why?”

“The brain shuts off any nonessential functions when it believes resources are needed elsewhere.”

Haru narrowed his eyes. Rei might’ve misunderstood what he wanted to know, or he purposely misdirected.

“Did you find the cause?” Makoto asked, sensing Haru’s growing frustration.

“Yes. And no.” Rei cleared his throat. “A loss of consciousness without an injury is usually linked to a sudden drop of blood pressure. In a healthy adult, this is extremely rare.”

Makoto stood a little straighter. “But you said it wasn’t serious.”

“It might not be.” The hesitation in Rei’s voice added weight in the air. “Due to Haruka-senpai’s unusual circumstances, we took extra precautions to protect his brain with a medically induced coma while we determined the cause.”

“I’m sorry, Haru-chan.” Nagisa hung his head. “It’s my fault.”

“It isn’t your fault, Nagisa-kun.” Rei took a deep breath. “We believe the body Nagisa-kun constructed is failing.”

“Failing?” Haru repeated. “How?”

“I missed something,” Nagisa said with his head lowered. “I engineered your body, and I must’ve missed something.”

Rei touched his shoulder. “We don’t know that, Nagisa-kun.”

“There’s nothing else it can be.”

“The process had never been done before. It’s logical to assume this is a normal occurrence in a project on this scale.”

“Do you mean that Haru will die?” Makoto’s question ended the argument. Tears filled Nagisa’s eyes but he blinked them away.

“I won’t let Haru-chan die again.” Nagisa looked up with his jaw set. “I’ll fix this. Haru-chan will _not_ die.”

Makoto squeezed Haru’s hand and Haru felt all of his unspoken fears. Haru squeezed back until his forearm hurt. He didn’t want to die.

“My scan,” Haru said and all gazes turned to him. “You can use my scan again if something—”

“No.” Makoto swallowed and gave Haru a fragile smile. “I don’t want to put another Haru through this, and I don’t want to live with another Haru.”

Haru took a breath that didn’t quite fill his lungs. Doing it all over again would be far worse on Makoto after forced to say goodbye a second time. Haru didn’t want Makoto to suffer. “Don’t use my scan again, Rei.”

Rei nodded. “I’m confident it won’t come to that.”

“I’ll fix it, Haru-chan,” Nagisa promised with resolve in his voice and tears in his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a little sorry. Prepare for more angst. ;)
> 
> The original ending was a cliff hanger where Haru fainted at home but I split this chapter from chapter 12 so I combined some of 14 to lengthen it. 
> 
> If you've played or watched SOMA, you might know where this is heading....


	14. Memories of Touch and Smell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru starts making alternative plans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo more tags added~ lol  
> I have chapter 15 almost finished so I hope to have it completed and ready for posting soon. 
> 
> Once again, Nicole did the beta work and deserves a big hug.

**Chapter 14**

Haru watched the door and touched his wrist where Makoto’s kiss lingered. He’d sent him home an hour ago for a shower and rest, but in the silence of Rei’s secondary lab, Haru regretted his decision.

“Are you in any pain, Nanase-san?” Rei-chan-too asked.

“Not really.” Haru searched for a monitor to his left, but couldn’t find the source of Rei-chan-too’s voice. “Where are you?”

“In the security system. It has a connection to the Pace Lab’s mainframe in which I reside.”

“Can you see me?”

“Yes. Through the camera above the door.”

Haru looked to his right. “Do you control the security system?”

Rei-chan-too made a noise that resembled a chuckle. “No. The security programs and personnel do. I’m simply borrowing it.”

“Oh.” Haru found the source of the sound. The intercom system’s screen remained blank, but Haru wouldn’t be able to see Rei-chan-too’s static image from the bed anyway. He directed his gaze back to the camera. “Would you tell me the truth if I asked for your opinion?”

“Of course.”

“Can Nagisa and Rei save me?”

“If there is a way to reverse any damage, Dr. Ryugazaki and Dr. Hazuki will find it. Nagisa-kun was very upset. I believe he won’t break his promise to you.”

_Nagisa-kun_. It wasn’t the first time Rei-chan-too referred to Nagisa in such a way. “Do you love Nagisa?”

“I’m unable to fully experience emotions. However, Nagisa-kun and other friends are still important to me.”

Haru shifted his gaze to the speckled gray ceiling. “If Rei died and you replaced him in his research, would Nagisa—?”

“I must ask you to not finish your thought. There are certain hypotheses that should never be questioned.”

Haru nodded. Rei-chan-too claimed to be more computer than human, but he retained more of his human side than he probably realized. “Could my scan be put into a computer like you?”

“The scan file is capable of it. However, I would strongly advise against it.”

“Why?”

“When your scan was conducted, you were not mentally prepared for such a drastic change. I don’t believe your scan would take it well. It could destroy itself. Dr. Ryugazaki had been mentally prepared during his scan for an adjustment in environment, which gave me the ability to accept my new form.”

“If I lived in a computer, I could stay with Makoto.”

“Do you think Tachibana-san is the type to be satisfied with a digital copy?”

Haru knew he wasn’t. Makoto could survive without physical affection, but he’d feel guilty about experiences a computer could not live. “It’s better than being apart.”

“Only Tachibana-san can decide that.”

Haru rolled to his side and watched the door. The steady hum of medical equipment faded into the background. He flexed his fingers and tried to imagine what Makoto would decide if it came down to Haru’s second death. Would he accept a digital version or the grief of saying goodbye twice? Would the second time make it any easier?

Haru swallowed around a lump in his throat. “Are you still here, Rei-chan-too?”

“Yes, Nanase-san. I am here.”

“Could Rei take another brain scan? From today’s date?”

Rei-chan-too was silent long enough for Haru to think he’d leave the question unanswered. Maybe the idea to scan a scan was ridiculous and he muted his laughter.

“In theory, it could be possible,” Rei-chan-too said with an edge of hesitancy. “However, the present technology was created for fully organic matter. In order to mix your organic brain where new memories reside with what is stored on the cortex chip, the scan would need to be redesigned. I’m unsure how quickly this could be completed with our current resources.”

“But it’s possible?”

“With additional time, maybe. The current technology took Dr. Ryugazaki many years to refine. What would you wish to accomplish with a new scan, Nanase-san?”

Haru pulled the blanket around his shoulders. “I don’t want to leave Makoto again. A second scan would be from my current state. You said I just needed to be prepared for a different environment.”

“I see.”

The hum from machines punctuated the silence with a sense of unease.

“Nanase-san, your scan would outlive Tachibana-san. You’d stay with him only to be left behind. Would you really be okay with that?”

“You are.”

“Yes. But my desire was to take this technology as far as it should go. I’m capable of destroying it if it ever comes to that.”

“Then you can delete my scan after Makoto is gone.”

Rei-chan-too was silent a moment. When he spoke again, his voice sounded lighter. “It is a good wish, Haruka-senpai. I’ll see what I can do to help you.”

 

* * *

 

The next evening Haru had improved enough to be released. Makoto took him home with a relieved smile. Haru wanted nothing more than a bath and a quiet night with Makoto, but the aroma of cooking dinner that greeted them as they entered the apartment told Haru his plans had been ruined by company.

“Haru!” Rin came out of the kitchen and pulled him into a hug. “You gave us a scare.” He chuckled but couldn’t mask his concern with laughter.

“I’m fine.”

Rin pulled back and smiled. “Good. We just got you back. We don’t want to lose you again.”

Haru nodded and extracted himself from Rin. “I’m going to take a bath.” Rin stepped to the side and watched him leave.

Makoto touched his shoulder. “It’s been a long few days for Haru, but he’ll be fine.”

“Is that what Rei told you?”

“Yes. And Nagisa promised.”

“Well. If he promised, then there’s nothing to worry about.” Rin crossed his arms and gave Makoto a look.

“Let him have hope, Rin,” Sousuke said from the kitchen doorway. “It’s better than pessimism.” Rin clicked his teeth but didn’t argue. “You should take Haru a change of clothes, Makoto,” Sousuke suggested.

“Oh. Right.” Makoto ducked into the bedroom.

“Rin.” Sousuke tipped his head toward the kitchen. Rin followed him into the small space. “Chop the vegetables.”

“What? You’re putting me to work?” Rin took the knife Sousuke offered. “I thought you had something to say.”

“I don’t.” Sousuke checked the simmering broth. “You need a distraction and Makoto needs to be with Haru.”

“What if Haru diiii—ow!” Sousuke pinched Rin’s upper arm. “What the hell?” Rin rubbed the offended area and leveled a glare at Sousuke.

“Don’t ask that question.”

Rin scoffed but knew Sousuke was right. “Whatever.”

“Everything will be fine.”

Rin wanted to believe Sousuke’s words and Nagisa’s promise, but there was a tightness in his chest that he hadn’t felt since the night before his best friend died.

“You’re right,” Rin whispered, hoping he’d convince himself.

 

* * *

 

Haru sat at the kotatsu with his pencils and sketchbook. The second day Haru was unconscious at Rei’s lab when fear still infected what hope Makoto had for Haru’s diagnosis, he’d called his parents and cancelled the plans for a visit. Afterwards, he’d suggested he invite his parents to Tokyo to meet Haru, but the fact that Haru’s future remained uncertain prevented the idea from growing into plans.

It didn’t matter. Haru was happy with just Makoto. He glanced to his left where Makoto removed the dried sheets from the line and hung the wet clothes from the day’s wash.

Time. Haru just needed more time. He had no solid goal to reach before it ran out, but every second mattered. Even the quiet ones spent on different tasks meant more than Haru could’ve ever imagined when he was 17 with a full life spread out before him.

“Are you hungry, Haru?” Makoto carried the basket of bedding into the apartment.

“Not really.”

Makoto closed the sliding door and noticed the sketchbook. “That’s not an inappropriate drawing, is it?”

Haru closed the cover. “No.”

“If it is, we can keep it in the bedroom with the others.” Makoto shook out a sheet. “Imagine if Rin saw it.”

Haru blew out an amused breath. “He might blush more than you.”

Makoto’s head tilted when he laughed. From Haru’s vantage point he couldn’t see his eyes, but knew they had closed. Haru inhaled deeply and wondered if computers felt the same warmth from small things that meant so much.

“Haru~” Makoto closed his arms around Haru and pushed him to the side. Haru’s struggle lasted only as long as his surprise. He let Makoto lay him on his back and fluff the sheet above their heads.

As the air slowly deflated from the fabric Makoto held down on either side of Haru’s head, Haru reached up and traced Makoto’s smile and cheeks with his fingertips. Makoto turned his head and caught the side of Haru’s hand with a kiss just before the sheet touched the back of his head.

_I love you_ wasn’t spoken, but Haru heard it clearer than words. When Makoto brought their mouths together softly and with embers of passion burning on his tongue, Haru warmed to his touch, and let any worries created by the prior few days fade away under the gentle pressure of Makoto’s body above his.

Haru could now read Makoto’s signs, and he knew what Makoto wanted before he pressed his hips down and sent a jolt of pleasure through Haru’s body. His prior bad mood completely abandoned, Haru arched into Makoto’s embrace.

Makoto kissed his neck and invaded beneath his shirt from the bottom. The slow tease under material sometimes held appeal, but Haru wasn’t in the mood for slowness. He shifted and pulled off his top before Makoto could assist.

Surprised by Haru’s sudden movement, Makoto sat back with a smile. “We should move to the bed.” He picked at the tie around Haru’s pajama bottoms and hesitated as if debating whether or not they could extract themselves from each other long enough to walk the short distance. “The floor won’t be comfortable.”

Thoughtful. As expected from Makoto.

“Right.”

Makoto stood first and held out his hand. Haru didn’t need the help but took it anyway, releasing it only after reaching the bedroom. Haru stripped, crawled onto the bed, and turned to watch Makoto finish undressing.

He retrieved the bottle of lube from the bedside table and joined Haru on the bed, fitting between his legs and kissing the spot on Haru’s neck that rendered his voice useless. Makoto sat back on his heels and studied the bottle. Haru just barely contained his impatience.

“Haru?”

“What is it?”

“Would it be okay if we switched?”

Haru searched Makoto’s face for a hint of explanation. “Switched what?”

Makoto smiled, amused. “Um. Positions?”

“I don’t underst—” realization was slow, but it arrived. “Oh.”

“I noticed you were trying to make our firsts different, so I took the lead. I should’ve asked your preference earlier.”

Haru thought back to Makoto’s reassuring words that he knew firsthand the physical effects of sex. Haru should’ve been the one to ask. “Do you prefer—?”

“I like anything with Haru, but tonight I need this.”

Haru didn’t understand, but it didn’t matter. Makoto needed something from him, and he would give him anything he requested. “Okay.”

Makoto smiled and handed Haru the bottle of lube. “Thank you.”

For a moment, Haru stared at the bottle, bewildered by the idea.

“Are you sure?” Makoto asked. Haru looked up. Makoto requested it, so Haru was sure.

“Yes.”

“It isn’t as daunting as I once believed, so you’ll do fine.”

Haru accepted Makoto’s words of encouragement and switched places with him. Makoto put the pillow under his hips and let his head rest against the mattress.

He trusted Haru would make him feel good no matter how inexperienced. Simply being Haru was enough, but Haru wanted to return the pleasure Makoto had skillfully given so many times before. He mirrored the motions Makoto had used during previous times and watched for signs from Makoto.

One finger. Two fingers.

Soon Makoto’s breath became labored. The subtle winces and quiet gasps didn’t stem from pain or discomfort. Makoto concealed the fluctuations of his voice behind his wrist, stifling his full reactions. Haru drank in all of Makoto’s reactions that threatened to distract him from his task.

“I like it when you watch.”

Haru paused and raised his gaze to Makoto’s. His initial twinge of embarrassment died quickly under a rush of lust spurred by the look in Makoto’s eyes. But he took too long to form a reply. Makoto shifted, smiled, and spoke again.

“Haru, it’s good. I’m ready.”

Haru removed his fingers from inside of Makoto, leaned down, and licked the precum from where it had gathered on the head of Makoto’s cock. Makoto jerked with a gasp. Haru filed the response and taste away for a later time.

Positioned between Makoto’s thighs, Haru took his time, entering him slowly. He shuddered at the warm tightness and gripped Makoto’s hips to wait out the flare of pleasure that rushed to his surrounded cock.

Makoto shifted impatiently and Haru began a slow pace that gradually increased as Makoto opened up for Haru and Haru grew used to the new sensation.

Makoto tipped his head back with a silent cry, pressing his shoulders into the mattress. Haru’s gaze lowered to the smear of precum across Makoto’s stomach. The scene was lewd, but he now understood the desire to capture the moment in a sketchbook. Makoto was beautiful.

In his daily life, Makoto embraced gentle-hearted clumsiness, but he possessed a type of grace only touched upon through pleasure after his masks were fully lowered and forgotten. Haru felt a twinge of jealousy. Another Haru had witnessed it before him.

But it didn’t matter.

Makoto was here with him now and the past could not be changed. Haru pressed forward, chasing Makoto’s breathless cries of pleasure and soft gasps of Haru’s name.

Haru folded over Makoto and reached his lips with his. Makoto returned a sloppy kiss, distracted by the movement of Haru’s hips driving him to a satisfying climax. Haru swallowed his initial cry and the following quiet sigh of Haru’s name.

 

* * *

 

Laundry remained unfinished and dinner unprepared long after sunset, but neither wanted to leave the bed or each other’s embrace. Haru rubbed his hand over Makoto’s stubble, placed his other hand on his own cheek, and compared the roughness of Makoto’s to the smoothness of his.

“It’s been two days.” Makoto kissed Haru’s wrist. “I’ll shave today.”

“I like it.”

Makoto chuckled and leaned into Haru’s palm. “I can’t keep it for work.”

“Oh.” Haru let his fingertips graze the stubble and fall away. “That’s fine.”

“I put in a request to transfer to another station.”

Haru blinked. “What?”

“I don’t want to keep you a secret from colleagues who sent condolences two years ago.”

“They knew me?”

“Of course they did.” Makoto kissed Haru’s bare shoulder. “And now they think I found someone else.”

Haru studied the ceiling. With an uncertain future, plans could only add additional pain for Makoto in his absence. “I might not be here. You shouldn’t make changes.”

“I’m not in denial. I know what Rei said.” Makoto sat up. “But I trust them.”

Trust and too much optimism, Haru figured. But Makoto needed that belief in order to smile, so Haru could try to trust that the future held more than another goodbye. “If that’s what you want, I’ll support you.”

“Thank you, Haru.” Makoto studied the wall but Haru could tell he wasn’t seeing the room as it was now. “We stopped making plans. Before. Haru said it would be easier.” He turned a hollow smile onto Haru. “Nothing makes grief easier. I want to be happy every day you’re here so there are no regrets.”

“I understand.” Haru sat up and leaned into Makoto. He closed his eyes and focused on the warmth from Makoto’s skin and the scent of sex on clean bedding. He wondered if a computer file could recall memories of touch and smell, because if they could, he wanted to remember everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I plan to wrap up everything next chapter unless it runs too long and should be split...but as of now...only one more chapter.   
> v exciting.
> 
> I'm on tumblr at otp-tears.tumblr.com if you wanna swing by and yell at me ;)


	15. Human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru has a change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, here we are at the end. Thank you for reading what I consider to be a long fanfic.  
> If you're curious, this song was what I listened to when I outlined the story: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNQASi28tIg
> 
> no beta this time. 
> 
> Thank you for your comments~ I love them all.

Chapter 15

“What do you do all day?” Sousuke asked, directing his gaze at Pace Laboratory’s front doors. For two weeks, he’d once again accompanied Haru to Pace Labs in the mornings.

Haru paused and weighed his words before he spoke. “I read.”

“You’re alone?”

Haru shrugged. “Rei and Nagisa are busy.”

Sousuke sighed. He’d asked the same question the week before and received the same answer. “They decline dinner invitations from Rin. Have they left Pace?”

“I doubt it. They have an apartment on another floor, I think.”

“Oh.”

Haru stepped away and opened the door.

“I’m coming up with you,” Sousuke said.

“Why?”

“I want to talk to Nagisa.”

Haru studied Sousuke for a moment before accepting his declaration with a single nod. Sousuke followed him into the lobby and past security to the side elevator. “Nagisa gave me my own card,” Haru explained at Sousuke’s frown. “It’s faster.”

“Ah.”

On Rei and Nagisa’s private floor, Haru pointed Sousuke to the left. “Nagisa’s that way.”

“Thanks.”

Luckily the hallway had no intersections between the elevator and where Sousuke spotted Nagisa hunched over a keyboard, scowling at a screen with tired eyes underlined in dark. Sousuke knocked on the opened door. Nagisa looked over without the slightest flinch. It took another beat before he pushed to his feet.

“Sou-chan!”

Like a switch, Nagisa’s exhaustion was swept under a smile and feigned energy.

Sousuke narrowed his eyes. He couldn’t believe anyone would fall for such a blatant farce. “Haru mentioned you guys have an apartment or some place you sleep here in the building.”

Nagisa nodded and rubbed his eyes. “Uh. Yeah. Rei-chan and I have a room upstairs. There are other small, private spaces for other technicians. Why?”

“Show me.”

“Why do you want to see a room meant for sleeping? It isn’t personalized or interesting.”

“Doesn’t matter. Show me.”

Nagisa crossed his arms and grinned. Sousuke braced himself. “You know, Sou-chan, I’m a taken man.”

Sousuke had grown used to Nagisa over the years, but still felt a twinge of embarrassment at the tease. “It isn’t like that.”

“I know.” Nagisa chuckled and wiped at his eyes again. “I can’t show you the apartment right now, Sou-chan. I’m running a few—” he gestured at the computer. “I’m working on Haru-chan.”

“Dr. Hazuki, I can continue the simulations in your absence,” Rei-chan-too offered from the monitor behind Nagisa.

“Oh. Fine. I guess a break is a good thing. Thanks, Rei-chan-too. I’ll be back.”

“Take your time, Dr. Hazuki. There are fresh groceries in the apartment.”

“Vending machines are faster.” Nagisa removed his lab coat and left it in his chair. “This way, Sou-chan. Are you going to tell me what this is all about? It isn’t a surprise party, right?”

“No.” Sousuke followed a step behind Nagisa. “How’s Haru?”

“Didn’t you come in with Haru-chan?”

“He seems fine to me, but that isn’t the case, is it?”

Nagisa’s smile faded. “Haru-chan’s body is fine for now. All the organs are functioning normally. I only missed something in the brain.”

“Can you fix it?”

Nagisa slid a keycard at the end of the hallway and opened a private elevator’s doors. “Haru-chan’s brain isn’t regulating blood flow or fluid flushes. We can repair the fluid flush issue and treat the blood flow problem with medication.”

Sousuke studied Nagisa’s blank stare counting the floors. “Sounds like there’s an ‘however.’”

Nagisa nodded. The doors opened and he led Sousuke down the hall to another keycard access. This one opened a door into a small living space with kitchen, bath, and bed.

“Haru-chan’s brain isn’t like yours or mine. His is combined with a cortex chip. We’re unsure what effects medication will have on the delicate balance between human and computer, so the current treatment can’t be permanent. Plus, the tissue is deteriorating, and we can’t fix that with medication.”

Sousuke raised his gaze to the ceiling. The situation seemed much more dire than he’d previously thought. “How long does he have with treatment?”

Nagisa blew out a breath and dropped into the nearest arm chair. “Two years if the deterioration continues at the current rate and treatment works for the other problems.”

“How long until his quality of life changes?”

“Less than a year. I think. It’ll be a gradual decline.” Nagisa rubbed his eyes. “I really messed up. I wanted to help Haru-chan and Mako-chan, but I only gave them a repeat of the worst part of their lives.”

“You didn’t. I don’t think either one would change the last few months.”

Nagisa nodded but didn’t he look convinced. “Well, this is the apartment.” He looked around the sparse space. “Why did you want to see it?”

“When did you last sleep?”

“I fell asleep in my office yesterday.”

“Have you eaten today?”

“I had a strawberry flavored protein bar. Rei-chan orders them because he knows I’ll eat them.”

Sousuke crossed to the kitchen area and opened the fridge. “I’m going to cook you a proper meal. You’re going to eat, and then you’re going to sleep for no less than six hours.”

“But Sou-chan, I don’t have time—Haru-chan doesn’t have the time.”

“Sit down,” Sousuke commanded. Nagisa wondered how he’d seen him stand with his back turned, but wilted back into the chair without protest.

“It’s my mistake,” Nagisa said. “I have to fix it.”

“You will.” Sousuke closed the fridge and turned toward Nagisa. “But right now your body needs rest and fuel. You can’t help Haru if you continue like this.”

Nagisa smiled. “You really do care about me, Sou-chan.”

“It’s pure selfishness.” Sousuke turned back to the fridge for ingredients. “I’m worried about what reactions a second death will cause.”

“For Rin-chan?”

“Yes.” Sousuke glanced back. “Not only Haru is counting on you, Nagisa.”

“Aha.” Nagisa rubbed his temple. “What pressure.”

“Haru got a second body, but you don’t have that luxury, so take care of this one.”

Nagisa saluted. “You got it, Sou-chan.”

“Is another body an option for Haru?”

“Maybe.” Nagisa lowered his hand with a sigh. “But it isn’t so simple. We can obtain the resources, but the scan—that’s more complicated.”

“Is that what Rei’s working on?”

“Yes. We can rescan Haru-chan and put him in another body if Rei-chan can tweak his scanner to copy a consciousness from two sources: organic matter and a cortex chip.”

“So it’s possible?”

“You’d have to ask Rei-chan.”

“What would happen to the old scan?”

Nagisa shrugged. “Remain stored on a hard drive with the other scans, I guess. Rei-chan feels that deleting a scan is killing a person, so Rei-chan-too hides the files to avoid accidental deletion.”

“Is it murder if the scan isn’t aware it exists?”

“Don’t ask me moral dilemmas when I haven’t slept in two days.” Nagisa transferred to the bed with an exaggerated groan. “It’s what Rei-chan wanted for the scans.”

“The scans are his responsibility.”

“Yeah. The bodies, and parts, are mine.” Nagisa grabbed the pillow and hugged it to his chest. “And I’d deal with any repercussion from the transfer between bodies.”

“Do you mean cremation of the dead?”

Nagisa smiled but it carried a hint of remorse. “Yes. Exactly that.”

 

* * *

 

“Haruka-senpai, I need to test a theory,” Rei stated in lieu of greeting when Haru arrived at his lab.

Haru lowered his bag onto the nearest desk. “What theory?”

“A few weeks ago, Rei-chan-too told me you wished to live inside of a computer like he does—”

“To stay with Makoto.”

“—but since then, Nagisa-kun has discovered what caused the failure in your cerebral scaffolding.”

“Scaffolding?”

“Think of it as the base used to bio-engineer your brain. Nagisa-kun could grow you a body that won’t have the current problem, and this time he has living DNA to extract from as well, so the process is already greatly improved.”

“Oh.”

“Would another flesh body and new cortex chip instead of a computer be okay, Haruka-senpai?”

Another body would be better than the alternative. Haru could stay with Makoto physically instead of just a voice through a speaker. “Yes.”

“Good. I still need to find a way to scan your consciousness from two points and combine it into one without fracturing it. That’s where the testing of my theory today comes in.”

Huru didn’t quite understand, but he’d do anything to help. “What do I need to do?”

“In theory, I know how to calibrate the scanner. I just need to test whether or not it works.”

“Would you delete my old scan?”

Rei frowned. “I don’t like to delete the files, Haruka-senpai.”

It didn’t really matter, but having two versions of himself in the computer seemed like too much. “Do you have to store a new scan?”

“No.” Rei cleared his throat. “It is possible to do a direct transfer this time, but I would prefer to avoid it. It’s no problem having two scans in storage unless you disagree with it.”

“A direct transfer?”

“Yes. It would be like moving a computer file—a very large and delicate computer file. Nothing would be stored on Rei-chan-too’s hard drives. There would be no _copy_. Transferring would remove a waiting period between this body and the next.”

Haru liked the idea of cutting out any period of wait. “I want to do that.”

Rei’s frown deepened. “Would you really be okay with that, Haruka-senpai?”

“Yes.” Haru closed his fingers into loose fists. He’d do it today if possible.

“I understand. And I am sorry it’s come to this.”

“It’s fine, Rei.”

“Right.” Rei turned toward the computer. “Then, let’s begin testing. I need to calibrate the scan to account for organic matter and your cortex chip. I wouldn’t want to leave anything behind during the transfer.”

 

* * *

 

Another week and Nagisa declared he’d begun the process of bio-engineering Haru another body. After politely declining any changes in his DNA—Haru was happy with his hair color—Haru only had to wait. Rei ensured him that Nagisa would be finished before Haru’s time ran out, and Rei’s newly calibrated scanner would be fully functional and tested.

But it was Makoto’s relief that made everything feel right once again.

“Makoto, are you really okay with another body?” Haru asked after dinner when they were still seated around the kotatsu.

“Yes.” Makoto nodded without hesitation.

“You’ll love me in _another_ foreign body?”

“I’d love you in a hundred new bodies. Haru is Haru. Don’t doubt me over a missing freckle on your hip. I don’t love your body, Haru. I love you.”

Haru breathed in and nodded. Of course Makoto would love him. He felt foolish for worrying.

“Oh. It’s raining,” Makoto said with an edge of excitement. “Come on, Haru.” Makoto got to his feet and moved to the sliding glass door. Haru stood and joined him. Rain showered the back yard with large, fast drops. “Let’s go.” Makoto opened the back door, letting in the sound of rainfall and the crisp scent of wet earth.

“Go where?”

“Outside.”

Haru opened his mouth to protest, but Makoto took him by his wrist and tugged him into the covered porch. Haru didn’t mind the noise or rise of humidity. All of it reminded him of water. However, his muscles wanted rest and his head hurt.

“Come.” Makoto’s voice cut through the downpour. Haru opened his eyes. Makoto had jumped the railing and stood barefoot on the grass with his hand out for Haru.

“Makoto?” _Are you crazy?_ Was implied.

Makoto smiled and rain dripped off of his nose and chin. “It’s warm enough we won’t catch a cold.”

“That doesn’t—”

“No one’s watching.”

Haru caved to Makoto’s brilliant smile and accepted the invitation to stand in the rain. Makoto helped him over the railing and into the backyard. His laughter soothed the pain in Haru’s head faster than the water could.

Water collected in Makoto’s hair and traced the lines in his neck Haru loved to kiss. With his lips turned upward, Makoto leaned down and brushed them against Haru’s.

Haru combed his fingers through Makoto’s wet hair and let his kiss make everything disappear. He didn’t fear the rain making it hard to breath. He didn’t care that he was a time bomb with an unknown detonation. He no longer wondered Nagisa wouldn’t be fast enough. In that moment with Makoto’s laughter on his tongue, Haru didn’t have a care in the world.

 

* * *

 

“Have you seen Haru’s new body?” Rin leaned an elbow onto the kotatsu. “Nagisa’s talented with whatever science shit is needed to do that. It looks more like Haru than Haru, and it’s only been like eight months.”

“I haven’t seen it.” Makoto wrapped his hand around his mug of tea Haru brewed before he ventured into the porch with Sousuke to feed Tuna her evening treat. Spring had cut through the winter chill and brought Tuna back to their porch. “He’ll still be Haru regardless of appearance.”

“Yeah. I know.” Rin watched the two crouched on the porch with Tuna between them. The feline had warmed up to Sousuke over the last eight months, but she still avoided Rin. “Nagisa said the new body is healthier.”

Makoto nodded but had nothing to say. After waiting for the procedure, he’d be relieved to have it finished.

“Is Haru scared?” Rin asked.

“No. He said he’s done it before.” Makoto turned and watched Haru stroke Tuna. His headaches had become a daily occurrence two months ago, and he needed more rest than before, but he could still function. “But I think he’s worried.”

“About the transfer of his uh…brain?”

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

“Rei makes it sound complicated on the scanning side, but as easy as laying still on the patient side. He said the chance of complications are almost zero.”

Makoto nodded. “I know.”

“So why is Haru worried?”

“The last time he was scanned, he woke up five years in the future. I think anyone would be worried.”

“I guess.” Rin touched Makoto’s arm and took his attention from the two outside. “Are _you_ worried?”

Makoto smiled a less than convincing lie. “I know everything will be fine.”

“Everything _will_ be fine, Makoto.”

“I know,” Makoto whispered. He could tell himself the same thing a hundred times, but it wouldn’t alleviate the feeling of an approaching storm.

“If the worst happens,” Rin continued. “You’ll still have me and Sousuke.”

“Thank you, Rin.”

 

* * *

 

Haru studied the ceiling and ignored the body beside his bed that resembled him in every way. Nagisa had finished the process in only ten months and Haru’s deteriorating state pushed the procedure forward a month. Rei placed wires and muttered to himself as he worked around the beds and computer. Nagisa monitored the new body and rattled on about accelerated skin growth or something. Haru was trying his hardest not to listen.

“Rei.”

Rei paused and walked into Haru’s view. “Yes, Haruka-senpai?”

Haru swallowed and glanced to his right. His new body took a breath, aided by machines, and Haru looked back at the ceiling. “Is it alive?”

“Of course. It lacks a consciousness, so it isn’t more than a husk. After the transfer, that body will be as human as you are now.”

Haru tried not to think about what it meant to be human, or how Rei could promise the body had no consciousness of its own already. “Will the transfer work?”

“Yes. This time it’ll take longer, but no more than an hour. Nagisa-kun will administer a sedative to help you sleep. I’ll complete the transfer, and you’ll wake up in your new body. Simple.”

Anything needing as many wires as Rei had between the two beds and the computer couldn’t be as simple as Rei claimed, but Haru accepted Rei’s definition of simple with a short nod.

Rei moved away to finish the last checks. “I’m ready, Nagisa-kun.”

“All set, Rei-chan!” Nagisa said from out of Haru’s sight.

A frown crossed Rei’s features but he cleared it before Haru could question it. “We’ll see you shortly, Haruka-senpai.” Rei touched his shoulder. Nagisa came closer and smiled.

“Good night, Haru-chan. See you in a minute.”

Haru flinched at the needle insertion.

“Count to one hundred, Haru-chan.”

Haru started on Nagisa’s request, but he slurred after five and never made it to ten. When he opened his eyes he couldn’t remember what number he stopped on.

“How do you feel?” Rei asked.

Haru blinked until Rei came into focus. “Fine.” _Better_.

“The process took longer than anticipated.” Rei nodded at Nagisa and Haru felt the bed brakes disengage. “I have to move you into another room where Makoto-senpai is waiting.”

Haru turned his head and caught a glimpse of his body on the second bed. It was strange seeing what he guessed Rei would now refer to as _nothing more than a husk_.

Rei rolled the bed into the hallway and continued talking. “Everything went well, Haruka-senpai. Are you in any pain?”

“No.” Haru pushed up to just his elbows and flexed his toes. Everything seemed to work, and the constant ache in his head was gone. “Can I walk?”

“Of course you can. I’ll leave you in Makoto-senpai’s care. I need to finish clean up with Nagisa-kun.”

“What will happen to my old body?”

“It’ll be destroyed, for obvious reasons.”

Haru figured as much. It was property of Pace Labs, and not supposed to exist, but Rei’s stoic response felt out of place.

Rei pushed the bed into an extra room where Makoto waited. He got to his feet and helped Rei position the bed. Rei gave him a quick run-down of the procedure and hurried back into the hallway.

“Haru.” Makoto took Haru’s hand and kissed his forehead. “It went well. I’m glad.”

Haru sat up. His muscles protested but not as much as he’d expected. “I have another new body for you to memorize.”

“Haru,” Makoto chastised.

“It’s true.”

“Yes, but don’t say that here.”

Haru swung his legs out and Makoto helped him to his feet. He didn’t feel as tired as he did the first time. Nagisa had done a better job keeping the muscles worked.

“Rin wanted to be here, but I convinced him and Sousuke to wait for us at the apartment. I’ll text him and let them know everything went as expected.”

“Okay. Do I have clothes?” The hospital gown wouldn’t do.

“Yes. I brought you some. Nagisa said we can go home right away if we took a taxi. You probably want a bath.”

“I do.” Haru removed the gown and dressed in the clothes Makoto brought. “How long did it take?”

Makoto looked at his watch. “Two hours.”

Haru frowned. It was much longer than Rei said. “I’m going back.”

“What?”

“I want to thank them.”

Makoto’s smile was bright. For over ten months the two worked long hours for Haru. He needed to thank them properly. “Okay. I’ll wait.”

Haru made his way back to the procedure lab. Outside the door, he heard Nagisa’s and Rei’s voices inside so he opened it and slipped inside.

“I’m so sorry, Haru-chan,” Nagisa said with a sniffle.

Haru froze and let the door click closed behind him. Nagisa knelt beside the occupied bed, holding the lifeless hand of the body Haru had left behind.

“Haruka-senpai,” Rei came up to Haru’s side. “You should be with Makoto-senpai.”

“I wanted to—” Haru’s gaze swept away from Nagisa and found wide, blue eyes staring at him. Haru took a startled step back. “Rei,” he whispered, keeping his gaze locked onto his own blue eyes. “Is it still alive?”

Rei looked over his shoulder at Nagisa beside Haru’s first bio-engineered body. “Of course he is.”

“Wh—” Haru took another step back and hit the door. “I thought you transferred my consciousness.”

“I did. It’s like moving a computer file onto an external drive. The original remains.”

Haru finally looked away from the frightened eyes and focused on Rei. The body—his failing body—still had _him_ in it. “He’s me?”

“Yes. Or you are him. You’re another divergent from the original Nanase Haruka.”

Haru took a deep breath. There was two of him. One trapped in a deteriorating body with only a few months left. “What are you going to do with him?”

Rei gave Haru a confused frown. “Haruka-senpai, I thought you were aware of what would happen.”

Haru turned back to Nagisa tearfully clutching the hand of his old body. That Haru remained silent, still sedated enough to believe everything was a hallucination, but fear had bled into clear blue eyes.

“I didn’t know...” Haru began but tapered off. “He’s still alive, Rei.”

“He won’t be alive for much longer. By the time the sedative wears off completely, his heart will have stopped.” Rei lowered his head. “Nagisa began the termination process.”

Haru faced Rei. “Termination? But he’s _alive_.”

“The body is dying, Haruka-senpai. We moved your consciousness in order to save you.”

“But that’s still me.”

Rei frowned and swallowed. “I know it is. But there’s nothing we can do for him.”

“But Rei—”

“That was your body until two hours ago. The body is failing. There’s nothing we can do for it. I thought you understood transferring your scan wouldn’t immediate kill your prior body.”

“I thought it removed—”

“It’s organic matter, Haruka-senpai. Nothing can wipe clean an entire brain.”

“But—”

An alarm drew his attention back to his prior body and his prior hand wrapped around Nagisa’s. Rei left his side and went to Nagisa who had begun to cry in earnest. Haru couldn’t witness himself die or hear Nagisa’s whispered apologies. He opened the door just enough to escape into the hallway where the air felt lighter.

“Haru?” Makoto caught Haru by his shoulders. “What’s wrong?”

Haru grasped the material of Makoto’s shirt. He couldn’t tell him. Makoto would never forgive himself. “Nothing.”

A frown creased Makoto’s brow but he didn’t argue. “Did you tell them what you wanted?”

“I will tomorrow.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Haru rested against Makoto’s chest, feeling his solid warmth. He might eventually forget the expression he’d witnessed on his own face across a laboratory. He’d forget the understanding fear that had dulled the blue eyes he knew as his own. He’d forget the feeling of betraying and killing a version of himself who was just as human as he.

He’d forget it all.

“Are you okay, Haru?” Makoto tried to pull away but Haru buried closer to his chest. “Haru?”

“I’m fine,” Haru said. He’d mean it soon enough. He was alive. He was Haru. And Makoto loved him. “Take me home.”

 

 

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *screams*  
> I know. I know. But I promise that it's a good fit for a SOMA AU. ;)
> 
> Thank you SOOOO much for reading the entire thing. Let's all agree that Haru lived a full, happy life with Makoto without going through this ordeal ever again. :) 
> 
> You can yell at me here or on my tumblr: otp-tears.tumblr.com/

**Author's Note:**

> visit me at otp-tears.tumblr.com


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